Abandon hope of political correctness, all ye who enter here.....

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Sadly, I must confess that the subject of my last post was, in fact, an Asian....wait, let me amend that a bit....it was a CHINESE guy (I only mention that to distance myself from him as much as possible). I guess he was trying to fit into the Man's world by adopting one of his creations. It got me thinking as to whether the combover would have even been invented had The Man never existed. Then I took the idea a little farther by giving the idea a kind of "It's a Wonderful Life" spin.....how would the world be different if The Man didn't exist? I came up with a few things right off the top of my head:

* Rogaine sales dip by 90%
* The Professional Golf Tour consists of Tiger Woods kicking the asses of anonymous Asian guys rather than anonymous white guys
* Jamaican bobsled team - Olympic gold medalists
* Trailers used only as actual mobile homes, not permanent dwellings
* Governor of the state of California - OJ Simpson

Clearly, such a thing would never happen...The Man is here to stay....but a man can dream, can't he?.....


posted by Number at 3:00 PM [edit]

Dude, just let it go........

I saw something quite incredible the other day....and a bit scary as well. I saw this guy walking towards me and all I could notice about him was his massive combover. I have to say that it was quite an epic combover....one the most impressive I have ever seen. Yes, I know that's not very interesting unto itself, but I haven't got to the good part yet. As he walked past me I kept watching him and that's when I got the big payoff. When I saw the side of his head I saw that he had actually bobby pinned his combover to keep his flap of hair from coming loose! I couldn't believe it.....like it's not bad enough to have a combover....to take it farther and basically barrette it into place is one of the saddest things I've ever seen. Personally, I would much prefer just to be bald....but then again, I don't have to worry about that.. hahahaha!..........
posted by Number at 8:51 AM [edit]

Facial hair update, day 4.....

I have a neo-goatee going at this point. I'm beginning to look a little sketchy.....I would not be surprised if people eyed me suspiciously when I'm waiting behind them to use the ATM. "Reminder to self.....avoid wearing knit caps for the foreseeable future....". There's still a bit of an "I'm trying to look older" quality to my facial hair, so I'm wondering if I'll get carded some more....which will probably be followed by the normal "oh wow!....sorry", when they see my age. Now I should go charge my electric shaver so I can carry it around in case I need to do an emergency shave.....that would if someone were to say: "hey, you sort of look like that guy in the Backstreet Boys".....
posted by Number at 9:26 PM [edit]

Change is good.....

Since I've gone the weekend without shaving, I've decided to grow one of the "soul patch" thingies like Apolo Ohno has. Yes, I realize that the chances are much greater that I'll turn out looking like Egg Shen from "Big Trouble in Little China", but who cares?! I must admit that history is not on my side, as I have only tried to grow facial hair once, and that was in high school.....I shaved it after justifiably earning the nickname "wolfman". But I matured some since then (at least physically...) and think I can get something pretty decent to grow now, so I'm going to give it a shot. My goal is to keep it long enough for wahine to get a chance to make fun of it in person....

On an Olympic note, I am watching the closing ceremonies right now and was planning to give my thoughts on it but I can't keep everything straight. A couple of things do stick out:

- Willie Nelson sang "Bridge Over Troubled Water" for an audience of millions..... meanwhile Art Garfunkle was back at home throwing a beer can at the TV while prepping for his upcoming "Where Are They Now?" segment.

- I don't think Bon Jovi got their gig because they have worldwide appeal...they were probably told: "you can play.....if Heather Locklear shows up too." Even the Russian judges would vote for that.

- They are saving N'Sync until after the local news.....which mean I can go to sleep....






posted by Number at 11:17 PM [edit]

This what my life has come to.....

With increasing regularity, a couple friends and I have been hanging out and going drinking. Mainly it's because we are all single and have nothing better to do, but I'm sure we can find more productive ways to spend our time. That really hit home the other day when we ran into someone who bartends at one of the places we hang out. As she was leaving, she said "so I'll see you guys Wednesday....".....in other words, she didn't just think we'd show up, she KNEW we'd be there. I thought to myself: "oh shit, we're regulars now....we've become male barflies!" And the worst part is that if you compare us to the Cheers gang I think I end up playing the part of....Cliff Clavin! It's starting to get embarrassing.........
posted by Number at 2:56 PM [edit]

I suppose it was bound to happen eventually.....

I got together with some of my best friends over the weekend. These are some of my oldest and closest friends and I always look forward to getting to spend time with them, especially since it's hard to get everybody together nowadays. So we're making conversation and something strange happened to me. I found myself drifting off and thinking: "damn, I sure wish I was home playing my X-box right now...". Now you have to understand that while I have been known to tune out on occasion when someone else is talking, it never happens when I'm with my really close friends. I couldn't figure out why that was happening because I was interacting with some of the people whose company I enjoy the most, and I felt really bad about it. Then when I replayed the evening in my head on the way home things became clearer. I realized that instead of the usual smack talk and amusing anecdotes, the conversation veered towards subjects like patio furniture, Home Depot, and engagement ring sizing. A whole half and hour was devoted to talking about window coverings......it's a wonder I was able to stay awake. My friends should know better than to spend an entire evening talking about such boring shit! But you know what?...that's what they find interesting at this stage of their lives. While I wasn't paying attention, my friends went off and became.......ADULTS! What's up with that?!! At least there's some hope.....the guys don't wear dark socks with shorts, so they haven't fully given in to surburban adulthood yet. Even so, this is going to take some adjustment on my part....I'll try to fit in and not make waves, but there's no way in hell I'm going to be seen shopping for Dockers......
posted by Number at 10:12 AM [edit]

I am available for career counciling.....

Some of my friends are preparing to have a baby, so they have been discussing to great length what the child's name will be. Yes, a lot of the names they are considering are on the cutesy side, but at least they are giving a lot of thought as to how the wrong name can affect a kid while growing up.....they want to avoid names that will subject their child to daily ass-kickings while growing up, and to me, that's good parenting. It reminds me of a guy I once worked with. He was always complaining about being a slave to the man and wondered if he should consider a career change to help him feel more fulfilled. I always agreed with him, and kept telling him to "embrace his destiny....". He asked me what I meant by that, and this is what I said to him: "dude, your name is Avery.....you are destined to be a butler so quit trying to fight it. It's like being named Cadbury or Jeeves....your lot in life was decided the moment your birth certificate was filled out." Sadly, my message fell on deaf ears and the guy still hasn't figured out what he wants to do. I tried, but you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink......
posted by Number at 9:54 PM [edit]

It almost brings a tear to the eye.....

I went to a birthday dinner the other night that ended up being a duel celebration when a couple announced that they had gotten engaged earlier that day. It had been a long time coming, but it finally happened, and they way it came about was almost like a fairytale. It turns out that the guy had edited his girlriend's favorite movie, "Legends of the Fall", and inserted himself in the place of Brad Pitt to pop the question. The only problem is that the DVD wouldn't run in any of the players in her place, so he went to take a shower to collect clear his head.....but he had left the ring in it's box out in the open and she found it. When he got out of the shower he was greeted with the words every man longs to hear when he's ready to propose: "ARE YOU SHITTING ME!...". How beautiful is that?.....it's a story to tell the grandkids one day.....
posted by Number at 10:38 AM [edit]

Know thy enemy......

I was out getting a Jamba Juice this morning when I noticed a guy with a sweater wrapped around his neck (naturally, he was The Man...). I sized the guy up and then figured out that there was some easy money to be made. I told my co-worker that I'd bet $100 that I could guess what kind of shoes that sweater guy was wearing. He didn't bite because he thought that I had seen the guy's feet, but I hadn't....and didn't need to either. Even though there was no money on the line I had to prove my point, so I whispered: "he's got on loafers.......with tassles on them.....guaranteed". And sure enough, I was right on the money. It was too easy.....The Man is soooo predictable....if you can remember how Mr. Drummond dressed on Different Strokes you'll have them pegged......
posted by Number at 1:09 PM [edit]

Music to my ears?.....

I got an unexpected treat the other day....and just in time for the Chinese New Year too. I was in that BART station when I heard the sweet sounds that could only come from the Chinese violin. While I was enjoying the soulful melodies I got another nice surprise when I realized that on the other end of the station was ANOTHER Chinese violin player! A friendly competition seemed to ensue as each tried to top each other....it was too close to call for a winner to be determined....the real winners were the patrons of BART who got to enjoy the fine music. I even saw a few people using a different kind of applause. Rather than doing the traditional clap of putting their hands together, they brought their hands up to their ears instead.....it must be some kind of special thing reserved for Chinese music, because I tend to see that done a lot. And everybody got a chance to share in the enjoyment because you could hear it all throughout the station. It's amazing how much sound can come from just 2 Chinese violins.....I figured that it would take at least 10 stray cats all meowing in unison to be able to duplicate that kind of sound. I only wish that this friend of mine, who I just found out is a Chinese opera singer in her spare time, was there to sing along. But that would've been to good to be true.......
posted by Number at 11:08 AM [edit]

My personal progress comes in baby steps....

Maybe I'm just getting overcome by the Olympic spirit, but I've found myself watching figure skating and enjoying it. There was a time when I would avoid the subject of figure skating because it made me feel too gay, but now I don't care....I can even talk about it in public, and was quick to chime in about the controversy involving the Canadians and the Russians. I even watched the men skate the other night, which is the big test of my resolve. Sure, the outfits they wear are pretty gay, but at least they're less sequin-ey than they used to be. What is important is that I can recognize that they are really fine athletes, and I can appreciate their grace, precision, and athleticism. Even so, I have come to realize that I need to change the channel once the music stops....because once the skating is over, all those guys instantly turn into Richard Simmons. They start crying and holding their hands to their cheeks like girls looking at a friend's engagement ring. Then they pick up bouquets of flowers.... start blowing kisses.....hug teddy bears....that's just not what being an athlete is about. All those skaters should've watched Ray Lewis giving a press conference in his chincilla coat and taken some notes......now that's what being an athlete is all about.....
posted by Number at 10:22 AM [edit]

The high life is not always what it's cut out to be.....

I've always wanted to hit Vegas like a baller, and I finally got a chance to get a taste of that kind of life. We went with someone who's a high roller and got a little taste of the big time, which has it's pros and cons.

PROS: We got our rooms comped, with one being a suite. At the airport there was a chauffeur carrying one of those little signs, and it turned out to be for us! That's right, limo service to and from to airport, and when we went to the golf course too. Several of our meals were comped, and let me tell you that food tastes better when it's free....although part of that might be the fact that I was upgrading from my usual cereal for breakfast to steak. We also got to walk right past the hundreds of chumps waiting in line to get into the club and went right in through the VIP entrance without having to pay the $25 it usually costs to get in that way. That also got us into the VIP lounge inside the club where there was a little more elbow room, a less crowded bar, and no drunken frat boys "raising the roof".

CONS: To roll with a baller, you have to be ready to spend some cash. You go to the places ballers go, and since you are getting a lot of benefits, you don't want to do anything to hold your benefactor back. That means you have to go to dinner at expensive places.....the 2 dinners I had cost me $150. I even got sticker shock from some of the drink prices, which I didn't think would happen given that I go out in the City from time to time.....but more than $10 for a vodka-tonic?!...and you thought the prices for ice cream cakes were outrageous! It also means you nod your head in agreement when the night's plans are told to you...."why yes, I would love to spend $75 to see Rick Springfield starring in eFX!, especially now that I know they do some Riverdancing in it too!..." You are also representing a high roller, so when you tip, you can't be cheap either.....we spent more tipping the limo driver than it would have cost us to take a cab. Also, everything was in the high roller's name, who was a woman. That meant that a lot of the time we couldn't get anything done without her having to step in....it also meant that at one point or another, every guy on the trip was called by her last name...."oh, you must be Mr. X..." Her boyfriend kept putting his thumb and forefinger about a quarter of an inch apart and saying: "I feel about this big....".

In the end it all work out though because I won some $$ at the tables so I could afford to live it up a little. It was kind of an out of body experience, but in a good way. Everyone should live large every now and then just so they know how the other half lives. You don't have to even be in Vegas to do it, you can just do little things from time to time, be it tipping a little extra.....taking a cab instead of the bus....or even eating so much red meat in a weekend that you feel like you've joined the Mafia.......
posted by Number at 10:36 AM [edit]

With time comes clarity.....

When I first saw the anti-smoking ads during the Super Bowl I thought they were preachy and inappropriate in the midst of a festive atmosphere.....they almost made me WANT to smoke! But upon reflection I really began to get the message and gained a greater sense of understanding. Here is the real message that advertisers were trying to get across: "Please don't jeopardize your health by smoking cigarettes.......do it by drinking beer and eating junk food." It's nice to know that even big corporations care about our well-being.....
posted by Number at 10:39 PM [edit]

Let me know when the girls from Penthouse are on......

I checked out the Playboy playmate Fear Factor during halftime of the Super Bowl and it really sucked.....what a ripoff! I understand that they were just trying to tease everybody by saving the good stuff for later, but walking across a rope?....with a safety harness covering their chests to boot?! They could've at least had some boobie cut-outs in the harnesses! There must've been 20 guys in the room with me watching it and I'll bet there wasn't a single boner among us. If they really wanted to keep us watching, they should've had them competing for who could jump the highest on a trampoline, or had some kind of water balloon fight. But at least the Playmates were able to show how *really* smart they are.....

Honestly, the whole Fear Factor thing is losing me. It really doesn't have to do much with fear....the stunts aren't dangerous because they take all those boring safety precautions, and the eating stuff is really gross, but not anything to be scared of. Shit, anybody who's eaten in Chinatown has seen scarier stuff than what the eat on the show. In fact, as I've told wahine, if you had 4 chinese contestants having to eat pig parts, nobody would drop out....and they'd ask to box up the leftovers before fighting over who got to take them home. As always, I think I could do better and should be given a chance to run the show. You want scary?......how about having to tell Postal Guy that he's fired? If the contestants survive that one, then I'd turn up the heat a notch and they'd have to be passengers in a car driven by either of my parents.....at night....on a twisty road....without the folks wearing their glasses. Believe me, that's like being on a rollercoaster without the tracks. Finally, I would drop the contestants off in East Oakland and see who could stand on a street corner the longest while wearing a "Mark Fuhrman Fan Club" t-shirt. See, programming that show couldn't be that hard.......
posted by Number at 11:10 AM [edit]

How am I going to break this to my parents....

The realization that I will probably not be working in a few weeks is starting to hit home with me. It didn't seem real to me until people I work with started being let go, but now I'm thinking some crazy thoughts. I haven't been pursuing other jobs because I'm getting severance and other financial considerations that will make it easy to go without working for a while. I even turned down a couple of opportunities to stay with the company, even though I don't have anything else lined up and the job market is tough right now. The idea of waking up at noon and playing golf every day sounded a lot better than any job I might find. But once I really started to think about it, I realized that I don't want to take time off....I want to find another job because I really don't want to go without working for any length of time. Not because of money either, but because I need something to do. I can't believe I just said that.....I am so disappointed with myself. Holy crap, what kind of slacker am I?! For some reason I feel compelled to undo my life's work! I have spent years cultivating an impressive resume of slacker-ness and now I'm throwing it all away. I have been a damn good slacker....just check out my credentials:

6 years of college to get undergraduate degree? check!
Got first real job in late 20's? check!
Frequent all night video game sessions? check!
Call in sick to go snowboarding? check!

...and I could go on and on....

The one thing I've ever accomplished and I'm determined to throw it all away.....

posted by Number at 1:23 AM [edit]