Abandon hope of political correctness, all ye who enter here.....

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'Tis the season?......

While I love my friends and family, I hate Christmas shopping, I hate the crowds, and I really, really hate Christmas music. Now keep in mind that I will do almost anything to avoid masses of people....I try only to drive during non-commute hours on weekdays, and will sometimes go to the gym in the middle of the night just so I can get some peace and quiet. So you can see that this time of year is very traumatic to me. I am forced to venture out into the wild, and the constant violation of my personal space is driving me nuts.
posted by Number at 3:34 PM [edit]

How can you miss me if I don't leave.....

Yes, it's been quite a while since I've posted, and yes, it's mostly due to laziness. But beyond simply being unable to get off my ass in order to write, I was also contemplating exactly what I was accomplishing by posting. After all, I had been at it for a while and had yet to inspire anyone to see fit to stalk me. I mean, pretty much anyone who has posted online for any length of time can almost expect to have someone contact them desiring for an uncomfortable level of closeness....but apparently I just can't touch people in that way. This has led me on a journey of self-discovery to see if it is really worth it to continue. If I can't really reach out and connect with an audience, then I may not be cut out for this kind of thing. You would think that more people would take an interest in a big-breasted, 21 year-old girl like me, especially one with such a healthy sexual appetite, but apparently not......
posted by Number at 3:05 PM [edit]

I feel like I've died and gone to heaven.....

The past 2 weeks have been about as good as it gets for me. It started when me and the boys headed down to Vegas for the weekend of the CES (oh yeah, and the porno convention too). It's always pretty crazy when we go down there, but this trip set a new standard. It turns out that a friend of mine has an aunt who works for Playboy....my friend has even been to Playboy parties before. One time she was at a party and called me and got Tera Patrick on the line so I could talk to her....now that's a friend! I talked to her once I knew we would be there during the porno convention so I could find out if there were any names I could drop to get me in good with some porno stars. She said that she would be there at the same time with her aunt and that we should try to meet up and maybe her aunt could hook us up somehow. I didn't really mention any possible Playbok hookup to any of the guys because I didn't want anyone getting their hopes up. I just said I needed to get in touch with my friend while I was there....she's really hot herself, so no one would complain about her hanging around. I called her once we got to Vegas and she asked me if I wanted to go to a Playboy party....I said "let me think about it.......HELL YES!" The problem was that there were a lot of guys in my group and I felt bad about trying to get that many people in. She asked me how many of us there were and I told her "uh, there's about 8 of us.....all guys....but don't worry about getting everyone in...whatever you can do for us would be great". It turns out that she said she could get 3 or 4 of us in, which meant that the King and I were in for sure because we were single. I told everyone else that we'd establish a pecking order for the rest of the spots depending on how dedicated they were about going. To me this meant that the first guys who were willing to call their girlfriends and tell them that they were going to a Playboy party were the one's who got to go.....except none of them were brave enough to do that so we just drew straws. The party was at The Light in the Bellagio, and it was guest-list only entry, so no random people could buy their way in. Since we got in, everybody was nice to us because for all they knew, we were some kind of players. There was an open bar, including top shelf, so we could drink whatever we wanted. They had appetizers like ahi tuna and beef wellington being passed out too. After milling around for a while, we settled in on some couches and watched everyone come in. Vince Neil of Motley Crue was seated right behind us, and Ron Jeremy came in right after we sat down. He even stole this girl from one of my friends on the dancefloor....but at least he left another girl to take her place. Tera Patrick was seated across the room, and there were too many other scantily clad women to count. After an hour or so, my friend's aunt was even able to get the rest of the guys in my group into the party too, so nobody missed out. It was amazing to watch a friend of mine playing rock/paper/scissors with a girl sitting next to him who's occupation was "working in fuck films...". Then, while we were talking to my friend's aunt who works for Playboy, she mentioned that she had 2 extra tickets to the AVN's, which are the porno movie awards, and would we like to go. The King and I immediately stepped up and claimed the tickets for ourselves. We actually walked up a red carpet to get into the awards show while hundreds of people lined up to catch a glimpse of the stars walking by. Once inside we got pictures taken with several women who might have been porn stars and at least looked the part. We honestly haven't watched enough pornos to know who's who, but if they had silicone boobies, then we asked them for a picture. I even got a pic taken with Larry Flynt! Our seats were pretty good.....seated at the table next to us were Jenna Jameson and "Best Actress Nominee" Brianna Banks. The awards show itself wasn't that exciting because the winners would just come up, pick up the award, and give a little speech.....no one felt inspired to take off any clothes as a celebration. It did get interesting when they panned to the crowd and showed in on the big screen. Most of the women would take off their shirts and squeeze or lick their boobs....or 2 women would start making out for the camera....it sure kicked the Oscar's ass in that regard. After a while it started to get old, so we left before the awards were all given out. It was getting predictable anyway....as expected, "The Ass Collector" cleaned up. After such an amazing event, the only thing left to do was to meet up with the rest of the guys, tell them the incredible things we saw, and then go straight to the Olympic Garden. Now that we have a Playboy connection, we are making it an annual event.

In some ways this past weekend was even better. My beloved Raiders are back in the Super Bowl for the first time in 19 years. It was put into perspective when I realized that I was wearing Top-siders the last time they played for the championship. And now they get to play against Jon Gruden and Tampa Bay....it would be the sweetest way to win. On the other hand, I would've loved to see Philadelphia in the Super Bowl, if only because their fans deserve it. I always thought Philly fans are great, but this weekend they really reached out and bonded with me. In case you missed it, Ja Rule performed at halftime of the Philly-Tampa game.....and the fans booed him. You've gotta love those Eagle fans.......
posted by Number at 5:33 PM [edit]

Now that's reality....

I'm checking out "The Bachelorette" tonight, and I'm pretty impressed with the girl. I didn't watch the original "Bachelor" so I didn't know anything about her, but she seems really cool. Though to be honest, I'm having a hard time watching. You may be asking why I feel that way, and it's because it hits too close to home. Every time I go out, there's a 25 to 1 ratio of guys to hot girls so I can see a version of the show every weekend if I wanted to. And on camera you can see all the cheesy maneuvers the guys try to pull and it really gives me a headache.....I already don't like the Tiffany bracelet guy. Maybe it'll be easier to watch once the crowd gets whittled down...I'll check back next week and see how many dorks are left.....
posted by Number at 9:52 PM [edit]

How disappointing.....

I may have had my hopes too high, but I feel so ripped off this Christmas. Presents aren't usually that big a deal to me or anything because I know I'm hard to shop for. Even so, I was influenced by commercials and my expectations my have gotten all out of whack. I was so excited that I bolted out of bed and ran to the garage to see if there was a Jaguar waiting there....but nothing. Then I opened all the little boxes to see if any car keys were in there.....again, nothing. Finally I opened the bigger boxes, hoping that there would be a remote control Lexus in one that would lead me to the real one outside with the big bow on it....but it wasn't to be. What the hell?!....from the commercials it seemed like everyone was getting a car this Christmas! They were even showing non-white people getting them! That really sucks....now I feel dumb that ordered those "XMASLXUS" vanity plates already. I should've known it was all just a scam....my friend who works at a Lexus dealership says they don't even stock huge Christmas bows to put on cars.......
posted by Number at 12:54 PM [edit]

Be afraid...be very afraid.....

Sometimes the scariest things are the one's that kinda sneak up on you. When something flies below the radar, by the time you realize what's going on it may already be too late. I bring this up because I think I've figured out a plot against the people of America and everyone needs to know about it. I know that some people may think I'm over-reacting, but I really think that I am on to something. So what is it that is making so nervous?.....it's these new body sprays I've been seeing commercials for. For any of you who aren't familiar with the concept, I'll try to explain it. From what I understand, you spray this stuff on all over your body to kinda freshen yourself up. The commercials I've seen are pretty gross....the guys open up their shirts and spray the crap all over themselves. Now you may think that there's nothing dangerous about a product simply because it's cheesy, and that was my initial reaction too, but then I started asking myself some questions. I wondered "what kind of idiot would use that stuff?", and "how is that different from the guys who drown themselves in cologne?".....then I realized that there really isn't a difference between the body spray and drowning in cologne, and I made the connection which led to this horrifying thought: Someone is trying to introduce the European shower to America!!!!! I haven't really investigated, but I'm betting that the makers of these body sprays are subsidiaries of French companies. I must spread the word and get the citizens of this great country to act before it's too late. Everyone should keep their eyes open, or maybe I should say noses. If you suspect someone of being a victim of these heinous products you should proceed with caution....it may turn out that the person is actually really French.......
posted by Number at 10:37 PM [edit]

Somebody call me every 24 hours to make sure I'm still here....

As anyone who's ever met me can attest, I am Korean pretty much in name only. I don't have many characteristics of the typical Korean male, and I can't read, write, or speak the language. Wahine is always quick to point that out to me, but still enjoys sending me any story featuring something embarrassing involving Koreans. It doesn't bother me because I'm basically not Korean anyway so I get the same kick out of it as everyone else. There was one story in particular that involved a Korean guy who died because he spent an ungodly number of uninterrupted hours playing video games. Like most people, my first reaction was "what a dumbass!", but now it's beginning to hit home for me. I picked up a copy of "Grand Theft Auto Vice City" yesterday and I can't stop playing it. Supposedly, it takes about 100 hours of gameplay to finish it, so I may have my ass parked on the couch until sometime Sunday. Since I don't plan on getting up off the couch, I won't be passing out any candy so I can survive by eating what I had planned on giving out. I have a case of water too, so the only other thing I need is this: http://www.stadiumpal.com/stadiumpal.html. Let the games commence....
posted by Number at 11:50 PM [edit]

Now it's official....

I've seen 3 episodes of "Boomtown" now, which is enough for me to proclaim it the best new show of the season. I will stand by that statement no matter how much lobbying Wahine does on behalf of "Hack". It's so good that you can even forget that Donnie Wahlberg is an alumni of New Kids on the Block....although I reserve the right to change my opinion of the show if the have a NKOTB reunion episode.

One another note, my mom told me that she has high blood pressure. In a way that is surprising, but in a way it's not. It's surprising because she's never been the least bit overweight, and even now she barely cracks 100 lbs. On the other hand, she subsists on junk food that she snacks on throughout the day and doesn't exercise a lick....if it's possible, she has negative muscle tone. And she loves salty food.....she used to drown everything in salt and msg when we were kids. I'll bet I had high blood pressure by the time I was 8 because of how I ate...we must've used up a container of Accent every week. Still, she's in pretty good health so I'm not too worried. I'm a little more bothered by the fact she had to call me to tape something for her because she doesn't know how to use a vcr.....and that I have to get her new cell phone hooked up because she hasn't a clue as to how wireless works....and I have to figure out how to update her company website because she doesn't know how and it's 2 years out of date.....and the capper is that she is my technologically advanced parent. My is just catching on to the idea of a portable stereo....he keeps raving about his new Walkman. I guess it's understandable to keep from trying new things. I will probably be the same way someday....my son may want me to try some crazy virtual reality sex chamber or something and I'll have to tell him: "no thanks, but I prefer the old fashioned way.....now go get me some kleenex and Jergens...."......
posted by Number at 11:54 PM [edit]

Just when you think you've got someone figured out.....

The King will often surprise me because there are things about him that he doesn't like to reveal for fear of seeming wimpy. It's not like he's a caveman or anything, and he's usually very thoughtful and considerate of others, but he is reluctant to show a lot of overt sensitivity. That's why I was surprised when he told me he was too tired to go out on Friday so he just stayed home and watched "Kissing Jessica Stein". Now keep in mind that he's not a big movie watcher to begin with, and the films he does watch are usually summer blockbuster-type stuff. So I had a passing thought that he might be evolving and maturing to the point that he would be interested in a more character driven movie.....but I was way off base. When asked why he chose that movie, he said: "because 'Blade II' was all rented out, and I figured that I couldn't go wrong with watching some girls make out....". And if anyone suspects that he really wanted to see the movie and used a macho cover story to justify his renting it, trust me when I tell you he wasn't. He generally doesn't lie and if he did we'd know. Also, when he mentioned wanting to watch chicks make out he wasn't lying.....he loves that. His video collection consists of one movie....."Wild Things"....that is his all time favorite film and the only one he deems worth owning. For those of you who haven't seen it, it is quite possibly the finest mainstream girl on girl flick of all time.....we're talking Neve Campbell and Denise Richards....definitely required viewing for any guy. I probably know 3 or 4 guys who consider it their favorite movie too. Everyone should keep that in mind for the men it your lives because Christmas will be here before you know it.....

posted by Number at 10:18 PM [edit]

Sometimes it's better to just stay home....

I haven't mentioned anything about my trip to Vegas last weekend because there's not much to tell. I went with 3 other guys and all I have to say about it is that we didn't golf, nobody hooked up, and we all lost money. Actually it was a lot of fun, but it just wasn't all we planned it to be. First of all, the King got the shingles a few days before we left which cramped his style a little bit. Then we missed out on a tee time (after lugging our clubs down with us no less) because we stayed out until 6 am and couldn't wake up to play. Somehow we even whiffed on a gift the gods sent to us, that being the group of 4 single Asian girls we ran into at a club who had no place to stay for the night....we couldn't seem to pair up to everyone's satisfaction. At least it's good to know we didn't sell each other out to get at the cutest girl.....although it would've been easiest for me because I was the only one who didn't have a girlfriend back home, or the shingles. Some of you may not think it's a big deal to refrain from stabbing some of your closest friends in the back to get at a hottie, but trust me, it is. But in the end, we all shared a little sexual frustration to go with along with a loss of $$. Of course some of those dollars were lost at the Olympic Garden as a direct result of our sexual frustration....but that's to be expected. The best was yet to come though, because after dragging my golf clubs down to Vegas and not using them, I was "lucky" enough to have the airline lose them on the way back. That is over $2k worth of stuff, and I have no idea of what they will give me for my trouble. I did find out that the maximum compensation they give out for lost luggage is $2,500, which is approximately what my stuff is worth. Will I get the full amount?....I damn well better. I always expect to get screwed in situations like this so I'm practicing how I'm going to respond. Now I know that whatever person I ultimately deal with will have had nothing to do with my clubs getting lost, but I can't help that. This is how I will put it: "I know that it's not your fault, but unfortunately, you represent the airline and since I'm getting screwed out of X amount of $$'s, I am forced to take that much out of your ass...". Or I might just tell them that we can do it the easy way, or the hard way.....the easy way would be for them to give me all the money I'm entitled to....the hard way would require me to call on the services of Wahine to make it happen. If they were smart, they would give me more than I ask for just to avoid the latter option. It's not like she's unreasonable or mean, but she comes very prepared, and if you don't have the answers, she will cut your bullshit to pieces. I'm almost looking forward to getting screwed so I can watch the fireworks.......in the meantime I'll be borrowing my Mom's "Lady Hogan"'s so I'll have something to play with in the meantime.....
posted by Number at 12:04 AM [edit]

Spare the rod, spoil the child.....

I've mentioned before how stupid I think it is for all the politically correct types to tell parents that they can't hit their kids, but this latest episode with the woman in Indiana got me on my soapbox again. A whole generation of spoiled brats is being created because some parents have no way of disciplining their children. I remember studying Pavlov's theory about conditioned response and as I recall, nowhere were "timeouts" mentioned. Every guy my age can remembers what it was like to get whacked by their own Hotwheels track....that's an especially painful way to get punished because it's done with your own toy....but it's stuff like that that kept me in my place. Honestly, if you could get in trouble for hitting your kids in public then I've had plenty of opportunities to perform a citizen's arrest. Hell, there is a Super K-mart in Oakland and I can guarantee you that if you spent 5 minutes there you'd see several examples of "child abuse". If you don't want to come to Oakland, let me give you an example of what might be overheard while roaming the aisles:

"get back here!" *whap*
"what'd I tell you?!" *whap*
"you're supposed to be watching your sister!" *whap*
"I about had it with you!" *whap*

Now I don't necessarily condone that type of child rearing, but I can't really argue with it when it calms down psycho kids that are running around me. As far as I'm concerned, it's never too early to introduce the term "pimp slap" to unruly kids.....
posted by Number at 12:42 AM [edit]

Let's hope the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree......

I went to visit my mom today....it's been too long given how close she lives to me, and that's always the first thing she says when she sees me. I don't mind because she's right, and she doesn't nag me about stuff when I see her. She actually does that thru my friends who come by her bridal shop. I run into people who'll say: "your mom wants to know if you have a girlfriend yet...", or "your mom says to call her more often....". Again, I don't mind....it kinda cracks me up. So today I'm telling her what I've been up to and what I have planned for the near future. I mentioned to her that I'm going to Vegas soon, which got her on her soapbox. She asked when I was planning to start working again and then said that I "party too much...". She wasn't mad or anything, just trying to be constructive. I simply answered her by replying: "you know that I get the drinking and partying genes from you...". She paused a second then said: "well, there's nothing wrong with having a good time...". Understand that my mom weighs a buck-o-five and can drink most guys under the table, myself included. She also looks 20 years younger than her age, and has guys competing for her all that time....she's a badass. I'm not saying she's perfect....she can't drive for shit, and has to wear these Mr. Magoo glasses while behind the wheel....but you didn't hear that from me.....

posted by Number at 1:07 AM [edit]

Poor guy.....

Imagine how you'd feel if you got your ass kicked and some teeth knocked out....and then imagine that you're a professional athlete and the news of your ass-kicking is in all the papers and everybody knows about it....and then try to imagine that your attacker came after you with a butter knife.....that's right, not a switchblade or a tire iron, a butter knife. That's what happened to Yankee pitcher David Wells over the weekend. At least he can say that he was too busy laughing at the guy wielding the butter knife to protect himself, but it's still embarrassing. Luckily, guys don't rag on their buddies about stuff like that, so he is perfectly safe from any kind of ribbing.....oh wait, I got that backwards....guys love ragging their friends embarrassing shit, so he's going to hear about it forever. It's almost as bad as getting beat up by a girl. That happened to me once when I was in the second grade. I'm still trying to track down the girl who did it to show her that payback is a bitch......of course, if she kicked my ass again I would just tell everyone that my injuries came from a guy attacking me with a butter knife.....
posted by Number at 10:47 PM [edit]

Somebody wake me because I'm obviously dreaming.....

Today I watched Argentina play Yugoslavia for the world championship of basketball....that's right, a game to decide the best basketball team on the face of the earth featured 2 teams made up entirely of white guys. Ordinarily I would smell a conspiracy, but the 2 teams made it to the final fair and square while the U.S. team got it's butt kicked twice. It's hard to believe that 2002 would end up becoming the year of the white man in basketball, but it has. I was very confused watching the game at first.....I thought it was Classic Sports showing some game for the 1940's....I asked a friend to point out which guy was Bob Cousy. It was a little disappointing that with all those white guys out there the game was still as sloppy as a normal NBA game....where was the all the Princeton-style backdoor cutting? I will say that there were more guys with "Miami Vice" facial hair than in any game I've ever seen, but other than that it was nothing special. I guess I shouldn't have expected it to be like the movie "Hoosiers", but I had no other experiences with all white basketball teams to draw upon, so who could blame me?! At least it bodes well for the Warriors this year....they drafted 2 white guys. I guess the Celtics were on to something all those years......
posted by Number at 11:12 PM [edit]

I smell a conspiracy.....

So Wahine sent me the list of the 20 greatest sports movies and asked me if I'd seen them all. I said that I had seen everything but "Chariots of Fire" because it just seemed like it would be boring. Besides, for a movie that was supposedly based on a true story, it sure did seem far-fetched. C'mon, a film about a couple of pasty Englishman who were competing against each other to see who would win Olympic gold in sprinting. Yeah right, a film set in the 20th century where 2 white guys going against each other to decide the title of "the World's fastest man"...I don't buy that at all. It sounds like a fairy tale made up by the Man. It may be public record, but it could be the same kind of revisionist history that claimed that Columbus discovered America. Use your heads people.....if it doesn't fit, you must acquit! The facts in this case don't add up. It would be like me claiming an Asian man could become the #1 overall draft pick in the NBA....the thought of that is simply ridiculous......

posted by Number at 11:51 PM [edit]

It's so wrong.....

I came across an article that I've been saving for a while because I wanted to comment on it. It's something I find part amusing and part scary. It's a guideline to teen slang, and if you're like me you're already sensing the possible danger. These kinds of things are written about every so often, and the obvious problem is that it's an article on teen slang that wasn't written by a teenager, so you just know it's not going to be an accurate representation of how teens talk. Here's a sampling of the phrases that are offered up, along with their definitions:

All that and then some = in possession of all good qualities
Butter = something that is good
Hook up = be with a person romantically
Wingnut = not all there
Word up! = Exactly

Now I'm not a teenager, but I'll bet I could walk through a high school every hour of every day for a year and not hear the phrase "Word up!", particularly as an exclaimation like that. Actually, there should be an amendment to the original article that gives the updated definition for "Word up!", which is, of course, "go ahead and kick my ass because I'm a dork". It's really wrong to publish an article like that knowing that it will be used as a study guide for parents wanting to relate to their kids and doofy teens wanting to fit in. It was bad enough when my dad used the term "hey man" while trying to reach out to me when I was a kid, now a misguided parent might actually spit out the words "it's off the heazy fo' sheazy".....and they probably wouldn't even pronounce it right either. A teacher at Berkeley High actually put together a slang dictionary under the misguided impression that it will help clue in adults. It's so wrong to try to profit from something that is basically a guide on how to be ostracized and ridiculed by teens. The computer nerd kids will check it out too, and will work hard to try to include words like "schmabbin'" into conversations because they think it might make them seem cooler....they aren't clued into the fact that any slang word used by a dorky kid can automatically come to mean "please dump mayonnaise into my backpack and give me a wedgie" if they aren't careful. The bottom line is that everyone, no matter what their age, should strive to just be true to themselves and let the chips fall where they may. To do otherwise would be, to use one of my personal favorite words, ludicrous......
posted by Number at 12:36 AM [edit]

Time can be unkind......

There was a time when I would really look forward to seeing Michael Jackson perform because he is undeniably talented and was exciting to watch. It's a shame that when he makes an appearance now I just hope that he hasn't become any creepier looking than the last time I saw him. You can't even focus on his talent anymore because you fixate on how weird he looks, although it wouldn't hurt if he updated his dance moves either. What's really frightening is that he's not even the clear-cut choice as the scariest looking member of his family....LaToya gives him a pretty good run for his money. Thank goodness for Janet.......
posted by Number at 1:43 AM [edit]

Ah, the memories.....

A friend of mine literally forced me to sit down and watch the movie "Dogtown and the Z-Boys" this past weekend. It's a documentary about the pioneering skateboarders of the '70's and he knew it was sure to stir up some memories in me. It really did take me back to that time because I was just like those guys......but I was much younger and a much crappier rider. I'm almost the exact same age as Tony Hawk so if I stuck with it I could've been a millionaire by now....except for the fact that I sucked. Even so, I did get sentimental seeing the the Fibreflex boards, Road Rider wheels, and hella short shorts in the movie.....all that was missing was a "Keep on Truckin'" t-shirt. It was great to see guys riding in empty swimming pools too.....that was such a rush back in the day. I can't believe we used to do that on skinny little boards while wearing no padding or helmets. Now that I think of it, somebody broke an arm just about every month.....that's the price you paid to have some fun in the pre-video game/computer age. I got so worked up after reliving all those memories that I dug out the skateboard I have in my garage and took it out for a spin....bad idea. I won't get into the specifics of what happened, but it involved some rocks and a sewer grate. I'll just say that there's a reason I have moved on to rollerblading.......
posted by Number at 11:57 PM [edit]

The games men play.....

Who gives a crap about a possible baseball strike because the NFL season is almost upon us. The NFL also means fantasy football, so we had the draft for my league this past weekend. Truth be told, I'm almost embarrassed to be in the league because half the guys are real dorks.....I'm talking some real Star Trek Convention types. Of course it is their geekiness that makes the league very competitive, and that's why I like it. I actually only joined the league to settle a bet. I have a partner, and 2 of our friends are another team. The losing team has to buy the winning team dinner wherever the winners want to go....and I do mean anywhere. Not only do the winners get to pick the restaurant and have the losers pick up the tab, they also can order as much as they want, as long as they finish everything. The last time we won we had 2 appetizers apiece and split 3 desserts. We had to pay for the last dinner.....at Masa's no less....but we are owed one for last year. That makes for a really good hammer to beat down any smack talking.....when one of them tries to say anything we can always say: "you just cost yourself another appetizer, smartass....". But with so much at stake it makes for some obsessive behavior. We talk so much football now that my partner's girlfriend limits us to 5 minutes to talk fantasy football whenever we see each other. She has to because if no one stops us we can go on for hours.....literally hours. We can talk about the fifth-string wide receiver for the Rams, or the third-string running back for the Broncos.....it's pretty sad. And I have the nerve to call those other guys geeks.........
posted by Number at 10:46 PM [edit]

I may be on to something....

I went to a picnic with my married friends this weekend. It was at this park in the 'burbs because all my married friends live in surburban cult-like "communities". Naturally, most of the people who live in these housing complexes are white, but everyone I've met has been really nice so it hasn't been a big deal. We did notice something at the park when we had our picnic though.....all the white people who were there when we arrived were gone within 20 minutes. Everybody was wondering if we drove them away....that surprised me because I don't expect everyone else to think the way that I do. I guess a big group of Asians might make The Man feel a little uncomfortable....hell, when I was at the USA vs. China basketball game I got a little freaked out by all the Asians there....it was like a Chinese Obon festival. And it's not like we weren't insulted or anything....it was nice to have the park to ourselves. A lot of times it's hard to find a place to barbeque because all of these surburban parks get crowded. So that gave us an idea of what we can do if we get to a park that's crowded....if we just turn up the Asian-ness we can freak out everybody enough so that they leave and we could have the park to ourselves. All we'd have to do is bring in a couple of live chickens and wave around some cleavers....or even something simpler, like squatting while eating might do the trick.

posted by Number at 8:45 PM [edit]

Behind enemy lines....

I got a chance to go see Yao Ming play at the Oakland Coliseum tonight. I really scored by getting a free ticket for a luxury box. Then it hit me.....luxury boxes are the domain of The Man...I would have to suck it up and try not to cause a fuss. This meant that instead of oohing and aahing over alley-oops or crossovers I would have to shake my head and mutter something about how shameless showboating is ruining the game. I also watched some of the movie "Hoosiers" so I would have some phrases to drop. Every so often I would yell out: "run the picket fence at 'em....and don't get caught watching the paint dry!". I have no idea what that is supposed to mean, but The Man would nod their heads in agreement when I said it, so I figured I was on the right track. My only trouble spot came during one of the halftime shows. There was a whole chinese theme for the game, so at halftime they had a lion dance and also some woman on a giant unicycle who flipped bowls onto her head (you really had to see it to know what I'm talking about). They also had 10 or 12 martial artists come out to give a kung fu demonstration. I didn't want to jump to conclusions when I saw one white guy in their midst, but I couldn't help but think that his dad must've owned the school they came from or something like that. My suspicions were confirmed when they all got little solo spots and the white guy did a version of drunken boxing that made him look like that drunk guy Otis from "The Andy Griffith Show". Then there was a part when everyone was on their back and then they all did kip-ups to their feet in unison.....except for the white guy. I wanted to say something, but since I was not in my element I decided to keep my thoughts to myself. After all, I may get invited back for some Warriors games so I didn't want to rock the boat. Yes, that my seem a bit hypocritical given the stance I've taken against The Man, but luxury box living is pretty sweet.....once you've lived the life of all the dry roasted peanuts you can eat, its hard to go back.......
posted by Number at 12:53 AM [edit]

On the subject....

I'm still kicking myself for not picking up a copy of "Cool as Ice" years ago when I found it in a bargain bin for $5.00. I should've known it would become a cult classic. It would really be good for a laugh now. I can still remember the classic tag line on the cover: "When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it.... Just add Ice.....Vanilla Ice is Cool as Ice".......it doesn't get any better than that.....


posted by Number at 2:29 PM [edit]

That's quite a fall from grace......

I recently caught "9 1/2 Weeks" on the tube....I'd almost forgotten how smoking Kim Basinger was in that movie. She was so hot that I didn't even mind that she was doing all that stuff with Mickey Rourke. From there she ended up buying a small town, and later won an Oscar for "L.A. Confidential"......and now she's starring as Eminem's mother in his new movie. I feel so bad for her....she's playing a mom now....Eminem's mom....that's gotta sting. Even so, it could be worse.....she could be playing Vanilla Ice's mom in "Cool as Ice 2"......
posted by Number at 2:25 PM [edit]

Out with the old, in with the new.....

Today I got a new cellphone case....I only had my old one for a few months, but it need replacing. The old one was leather, with had some plastic parts so the case could rotate or slide off the beltclip...it seemed study enough, but I guess I pushed it beyond it's limits. Basically what happened is that the case couldn't handle a trip to a strip club. We took a trip to the Crazy Horse a short time ago for a bachelor party.....never mind that I didn't really know the bachelor, I was just along for the ride. So it turns out that there was a girl there who came highly recommended by the guys who are the true strip club connoiseurs (i.e., they have gone to a club by themselves...". Anyway, this girl normally works at the Mitchell Brothers, which is the priciest strip club in the city. That meant that we could get some premium action at a discount price (for anyone interested, her name is Nina, and she's usually at the Crazy Horse on Tuesdays or Wednesdays). We all took turns getting a dance from her (we let the bachelor go first, of course...), and everybody came away satisfied. About a half an hour after I had gotten my dance, I realized that my phone was gone. I then figured out that it had been lapdanced right off of me! I had to go into the back room and rummage through the cushions looking for my phone, while guys were getting their dances. My bad....looking back I realize that was a bit of a strip club faux pas. It turns out that someone found it that turned it in to the front desk, but when I got it back and tried to clip it back to my belt, it became apparent that it wasn't going to work. The stripper had grinded all the plastic parts to bits and the case was toast. Some people might take that as a sign that such sinful endeavors lead to nothing but misfortune....my exact thoughts were: "shit, I have to miss out on a lapdance because I need to use that money to buy a new cellphone case!". I'll have to get in touch with Motorola.....maybe the warrenty will cover lapdance damage.....hey, you never know until you ask.......
posted by Number at 12:52 AM [edit]

What a sucker.....

Since I'm not committing to sobriety until next week I had occasion last night to tie one on. I really wasn't planning to drink, but one of my friends had some guests from out of town who needed some entertaining so I had to step up to the plate. We taught them some of the drinking games we like to play when we get together, and predictably, we kicked their asses since we do it all the time. We showed no mercy either....losers drink no matter how inexperienced they are at the game, even if they are girls. So they were getting pretty drunk, the drinks were progressing to shots, and a lot of smack talking was taking place. Then one of the girls told the bartender that she wanted the toughest shot he could think of.....and then she told him to make it a double because she was ready to drink. I suggested she have a liquid cocaine, and she agreed....then she passed it over to me and said if I didn't drink it, I was weak. I told her I wasn't drinking by myself, and etiquette dictates that if you get someone a shot, you have to take one too. She agreed and got a round for everybody....except we were the only 2 who took our shots. I went to get something out of my car, and when I came back, nobody had taken their shot yet. Since everybody was wussing out, the girl told me that we should take another shot. I figured I can't turn down a challenge from a girl, so I took the shot. They were some pretty tough shots to take, and I was pretty impressed by her ability to hang. She got me to take shots all night because she would drink with me, and I wasn't about to let a girl outdrink me. Finally, the out-of-towners decided to call it a night since they were from a different time zone and it was pretty late for them. I was saying goodbye to my friend who was taking them home when he leaned over to me and said: "you know she was taking shots of Coke, right?". Daaaammn.....I was had! I give her some credit though....that was a good one......
posted by Number at 10:15 AM [edit]

Long live the King.....

With this being the anniversary of Elvis Presley's passing, I am honoring him by writing this entry while sitting on the crapper. Actually, I'm not, but there are other ways to pay my respects. Maybe I'll eat a few dozen fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches and ask out some high school girls....I'll have to give it some thought. On the subject legendary performers, I recently caught a shot of the Rolling Stones in a magazine.....after taking a look at Keith Richards I immediately decided to give up alcohol for a while. Seeing the real affect of too much partying was getting slapped in the face with a diseased liver....quite a reality check. So I'll try staying dry for a couple of weeks and see how it goes.....oh, but I should mention that I won't be starting until next week....I have a real kick ass wedding to go to this weekend and I don't want to miss out on any of the fun.....
posted by Number at 12:39 PM [edit]

No wonder kids are turning out so messed up.....

I've been noticing these stores that have been popping up in malls in the last few years where a kid can create their own teddy bear. That sounds like a neat thing for a child to be able to do because it's kinda a personal thing for a kid and lets them make decisions about how it's made....at least that's what I thought until I actually figured out the process. Like I said, I had seen these places for a while, but it wasn't until a couple of months ago that I really knew how it worked. I went in with some friends while we were killing time in Vegas, and I was horrified by what I saw. For those of you who don't know how it works, I'll give some insight. Basically what you see when you go inside one of these places are a bunch of bins with unstuffed animal carcasses piled inside.....I found it to be a disturbing sight....I'll bet a kid goes running out crying at least once a week. So anyway, a kid can rummage through all the different pelts and find one they like, then they give it to a worker and watch while it gets stuffed....how creepy is that?! That's not a toy, that's taxidermy. If I was a kid I wouldn't be able to sleep in the same room as one of those things. Maybe it's big with hunters who want to get their kids started early....I guess it beats giving them a moosehead or a bearskin rug......

posted by Number at 12:26 AM [edit]

I hate when signals get crossed.....

"Brian Fellow" was telling me a story that involved some girls who were on the make, but didn't really have the honey to attract any bees. That struck a nerve with me because there have been times when I was just looking around and happened to make eye contact with a girl and have her give me a "I caught you checking me out" look.....but I wasn't checking her out....I just happened to be looking in that direction. I hate when that happens.....I even try to give a little head shake as if to say "no, I really wasn't looking at you", but by then it's too late. So what's the big deal at that point, right?....someone feels good about herself and I just stop looking in her direction and that's it. The problem is that I get misrepresented.....some girl is walking around with a smug look on her face for no good reason. And she'll be telling her friends that some guy was checking her out....and the idea of me supposedly being that guy just drives me nuts. Believe me, when I'm really checking out a girl she either won't know it because I'm really being sly, or else she'll definitely know it because my eyes will be bugging out like Buckwheat's did. I may have to start carrying around a sign to clear up the confusion. I was thinking about something saying "I ain't that drunk!", or something along those lines. I'll have to put some thought into it.....any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.....
posted by Number at 12:22 AM [edit]

Holy crap.....

I'm watching Howard Stern on E!, and you'd never guess who's band is performing.....Corey Feldman's! At least I think it's Corey Feldman....I can't keep the Coreys straight...the only difference between them is that one is going quietly into showbiz oblivion, while the other is being dragged kicking and screaming. So anyway, no matter which Corey it was, the music was terrible. But what really disappointed me is that he didn't pull out any of the Michael Jackson moves he used to do, or wear the one sequined glove. You just know he used to practice night and day to perfect Michael's dance moves and now it seems like such a waste. That's something I warn my younger friends about....if a dance craze comes around don't bother learning it because it ain't gonna be timeless. I remember fools working for a month to perfect the "Roger Rabbit", and if you pull that one out now no one will be able to keep from cracking up. Sure it seems dumb now, but I can remember a time when people were seriously out on the dance floor doing the cabbage patch or the running man....btw, has anyone done the macarena lately? That's why I try to keep things in perspective and realize that what I think is cool today will probably seem really dorky a few years from now. In other words, no tattoos for me.....
posted by Number at 11:39 PM [edit]

Don't ask the question if you don't want the answer......

I was at Trader Joe's today and when I was done shopping I got into the "Express" line to pay.....only the line was moving very slowly. It turns out that the woman working the register was moving pretty slugishly. She was kinda going through the motions and acting like she couldn't wait for her shift to end. I noticed her saying "how are you?" to everybody, but she didn't seem to be paying any attention to what anyone was replying to her question. I figured that if she asked me how I was doing I would tell her and see what happened. Sure enough, when she started ringing me up she gave me a very disinterested "how are you doing?".....I replied: "not too good actually....my back's been killing me so that everytime I sit down it really stiffens up....it's getting to the point where I fear having to take a dump. That's a real problem too, because I must've had some dairy sometime today and it's really hitting me hard because of my lactose intolerance.... you wouldn't happen to have a bathroom, would you?". At that point she wouldn't even look up from the register....I found it sorta rude. After all, I was just answering a question honestly.....how is that wrong? At least she seemed to learn a lesson.....she didn't say a word to the next person in line......
posted by Number at 12:29 AM [edit]

Just like I thought.....

I was flipping around the channels last night when the Anna Nicole show came on. I felt compelled to watch some of it, and naturally, it was awful. I would watch for a couple of minutes and then have to look away. The same thing happened when I used to try to watch Jerry Springer or Ricki Lake....there's only so much I can take before it's no longer amusing. I hope she was just trying unsuccessfully to be entertaining for the camera, because otherwise she is as about as smart as a mailbox. And it was really sad when she tried to get her way by acting seductive because she's really got a Jabba the Hutt thing going on right now.....I won't even get into the midriff-baring fashions. It was like watching a trainwreck.....a really big trainwreck.....where all the cars were cabooses. Maybe something can be salvaged out of it.....I think there's potential for one helluva drinking game somewhere in there.....

posted by Number at 12:34 AM [edit]

Now that's never happened before.....

This weekend some friends and I got together to play in a basketball tournament. The championship game had just started when one of the referees called an official timeout. It seems that all the baby strollers that our team had parked just beyond the endline of the court were deemed a possible hazard and had to be moved before play continued. The members of our team had a total of 4 kids, and another is on the way within a month....that created quite a traffic jam in a gym. We are now officially the team of old guys that we used to make fun of. I never even imagined we'd still be playing after all this time....actually, I take that back....I never thought about us ever quitting, I just could never see any of us as parents. Even so, the family dynamic makes it even more fun to play, with all the kids running around and dribbling their mini basketballs, and it's an occasion to get everybody together. One of my friends said that all we need now is for me to have a kid, but someone else pointed out that the idea of a minature version of me is absolutely terrifying....and then she said to me: "don't you think so?". She definitely had a point, and I couldn't agree more......
posted by Number at 11:30 PM [edit]