Abandon hope of political correctness, all ye who enter here.....

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Sometimes it's better to just stay home....

I haven't mentioned anything about my trip to Vegas last weekend because there's not much to tell. I went with 3 other guys and all I have to say about it is that we didn't golf, nobody hooked up, and we all lost money. Actually it was a lot of fun, but it just wasn't all we planned it to be. First of all, the King got the shingles a few days before we left which cramped his style a little bit. Then we missed out on a tee time (after lugging our clubs down with us no less) because we stayed out until 6 am and couldn't wake up to play. Somehow we even whiffed on a gift the gods sent to us, that being the group of 4 single Asian girls we ran into at a club who had no place to stay for the night....we couldn't seem to pair up to everyone's satisfaction. At least it's good to know we didn't sell each other out to get at the cutest girl.....although it would've been easiest for me because I was the only one who didn't have a girlfriend back home, or the shingles. Some of you may not think it's a big deal to refrain from stabbing some of your closest friends in the back to get at a hottie, but trust me, it is. But in the end, we all shared a little sexual frustration to go with along with a loss of $$. Of course some of those dollars were lost at the Olympic Garden as a direct result of our sexual frustration....but that's to be expected. The best was yet to come though, because after dragging my golf clubs down to Vegas and not using them, I was "lucky" enough to have the airline lose them on the way back. That is over $2k worth of stuff, and I have no idea of what they will give me for my trouble. I did find out that the maximum compensation they give out for lost luggage is $2,500, which is approximately what my stuff is worth. Will I get the full amount?....I damn well better. I always expect to get screwed in situations like this so I'm practicing how I'm going to respond. Now I know that whatever person I ultimately deal with will have had nothing to do with my clubs getting lost, but I can't help that. This is how I will put it: "I know that it's not your fault, but unfortunately, you represent the airline and since I'm getting screwed out of X amount of $$'s, I am forced to take that much out of your ass...". Or I might just tell them that we can do it the easy way, or the hard way.....the easy way would be for them to give me all the money I'm entitled to....the hard way would require me to call on the services of Wahine to make it happen. If they were smart, they would give me more than I ask for just to avoid the latter option. It's not like she's unreasonable or mean, but she comes very prepared, and if you don't have the answers, she will cut your bullshit to pieces. I'm almost looking forward to getting screwed so I can watch the fireworks.......in the meantime I'll be borrowing my Mom's "Lady Hogan"'s so I'll have something to play with in the meantime.....
posted by Number at 12:04 AM [edit]

Spare the rod, spoil the child.....

I've mentioned before how stupid I think it is for all the politically correct types to tell parents that they can't hit their kids, but this latest episode with the woman in Indiana got me on my soapbox again. A whole generation of spoiled brats is being created because some parents have no way of disciplining their children. I remember studying Pavlov's theory about conditioned response and as I recall, nowhere were "timeouts" mentioned. Every guy my age can remembers what it was like to get whacked by their own Hotwheels track....that's an especially painful way to get punished because it's done with your own toy....but it's stuff like that that kept me in my place. Honestly, if you could get in trouble for hitting your kids in public then I've had plenty of opportunities to perform a citizen's arrest. Hell, there is a Super K-mart in Oakland and I can guarantee you that if you spent 5 minutes there you'd see several examples of "child abuse". If you don't want to come to Oakland, let me give you an example of what might be overheard while roaming the aisles:

"get back here!" *whap*
"what'd I tell you?!" *whap*
"you're supposed to be watching your sister!" *whap*
"I about had it with you!" *whap*

Now I don't necessarily condone that type of child rearing, but I can't really argue with it when it calms down psycho kids that are running around me. As far as I'm concerned, it's never too early to introduce the term "pimp slap" to unruly kids.....
posted by Number at 12:42 AM [edit]

Let's hope the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree......

I went to visit my mom today....it's been too long given how close she lives to me, and that's always the first thing she says when she sees me. I don't mind because she's right, and she doesn't nag me about stuff when I see her. She actually does that thru my friends who come by her bridal shop. I run into people who'll say: "your mom wants to know if you have a girlfriend yet...", or "your mom says to call her more often....". Again, I don't mind....it kinda cracks me up. So today I'm telling her what I've been up to and what I have planned for the near future. I mentioned to her that I'm going to Vegas soon, which got her on her soapbox. She asked when I was planning to start working again and then said that I "party too much...". She wasn't mad or anything, just trying to be constructive. I simply answered her by replying: "you know that I get the drinking and partying genes from you...". She paused a second then said: "well, there's nothing wrong with having a good time...". Understand that my mom weighs a buck-o-five and can drink most guys under the table, myself included. She also looks 20 years younger than her age, and has guys competing for her all that time....she's a badass. I'm not saying she's perfect....she can't drive for shit, and has to wear these Mr. Magoo glasses while behind the wheel....but you didn't hear that from me.....

posted by Number at 1:07 AM [edit]

Poor guy.....

Imagine how you'd feel if you got your ass kicked and some teeth knocked out....and then imagine that you're a professional athlete and the news of your ass-kicking is in all the papers and everybody knows about it....and then try to imagine that your attacker came after you with a butter knife.....that's right, not a switchblade or a tire iron, a butter knife. That's what happened to Yankee pitcher David Wells over the weekend. At least he can say that he was too busy laughing at the guy wielding the butter knife to protect himself, but it's still embarrassing. Luckily, guys don't rag on their buddies about stuff like that, so he is perfectly safe from any kind of ribbing.....oh wait, I got that backwards....guys love ragging their friends embarrassing shit, so he's going to hear about it forever. It's almost as bad as getting beat up by a girl. That happened to me once when I was in the second grade. I'm still trying to track down the girl who did it to show her that payback is a bitch......of course, if she kicked my ass again I would just tell everyone that my injuries came from a guy attacking me with a butter knife.....
posted by Number at 10:47 PM [edit]

Somebody wake me because I'm obviously dreaming.....

Today I watched Argentina play Yugoslavia for the world championship of basketball....that's right, a game to decide the best basketball team on the face of the earth featured 2 teams made up entirely of white guys. Ordinarily I would smell a conspiracy, but the 2 teams made it to the final fair and square while the U.S. team got it's butt kicked twice. It's hard to believe that 2002 would end up becoming the year of the white man in basketball, but it has. I was very confused watching the game at first.....I thought it was Classic Sports showing some game for the 1940's....I asked a friend to point out which guy was Bob Cousy. It was a little disappointing that with all those white guys out there the game was still as sloppy as a normal NBA game....where was the all the Princeton-style backdoor cutting? I will say that there were more guys with "Miami Vice" facial hair than in any game I've ever seen, but other than that it was nothing special. I guess I shouldn't have expected it to be like the movie "Hoosiers", but I had no other experiences with all white basketball teams to draw upon, so who could blame me?! At least it bodes well for the Warriors this year....they drafted 2 white guys. I guess the Celtics were on to something all those years......
posted by Number at 11:12 PM [edit]

I smell a conspiracy.....

So Wahine sent me the list of the 20 greatest sports movies and asked me if I'd seen them all. I said that I had seen everything but "Chariots of Fire" because it just seemed like it would be boring. Besides, for a movie that was supposedly based on a true story, it sure did seem far-fetched. C'mon, a film about a couple of pasty Englishman who were competing against each other to see who would win Olympic gold in sprinting. Yeah right, a film set in the 20th century where 2 white guys going against each other to decide the title of "the World's fastest man"...I don't buy that at all. It sounds like a fairy tale made up by the Man. It may be public record, but it could be the same kind of revisionist history that claimed that Columbus discovered America. Use your heads people.....if it doesn't fit, you must acquit! The facts in this case don't add up. It would be like me claiming an Asian man could become the #1 overall draft pick in the NBA....the thought of that is simply ridiculous......

posted by Number at 11:51 PM [edit]

It's so wrong.....

I came across an article that I've been saving for a while because I wanted to comment on it. It's something I find part amusing and part scary. It's a guideline to teen slang, and if you're like me you're already sensing the possible danger. These kinds of things are written about every so often, and the obvious problem is that it's an article on teen slang that wasn't written by a teenager, so you just know it's not going to be an accurate representation of how teens talk. Here's a sampling of the phrases that are offered up, along with their definitions:

All that and then some = in possession of all good qualities
Butter = something that is good
Hook up = be with a person romantically
Wingnut = not all there
Word up! = Exactly

Now I'm not a teenager, but I'll bet I could walk through a high school every hour of every day for a year and not hear the phrase "Word up!", particularly as an exclaimation like that. Actually, there should be an amendment to the original article that gives the updated definition for "Word up!", which is, of course, "go ahead and kick my ass because I'm a dork". It's really wrong to publish an article like that knowing that it will be used as a study guide for parents wanting to relate to their kids and doofy teens wanting to fit in. It was bad enough when my dad used the term "hey man" while trying to reach out to me when I was a kid, now a misguided parent might actually spit out the words "it's off the heazy fo' sheazy".....and they probably wouldn't even pronounce it right either. A teacher at Berkeley High actually put together a slang dictionary under the misguided impression that it will help clue in adults. It's so wrong to try to profit from something that is basically a guide on how to be ostracized and ridiculed by teens. The computer nerd kids will check it out too, and will work hard to try to include words like "schmabbin'" into conversations because they think it might make them seem cooler....they aren't clued into the fact that any slang word used by a dorky kid can automatically come to mean "please dump mayonnaise into my backpack and give me a wedgie" if they aren't careful. The bottom line is that everyone, no matter what their age, should strive to just be true to themselves and let the chips fall where they may. To do otherwise would be, to use one of my personal favorite words, ludicrous......
posted by Number at 12:36 AM [edit]