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Time can be unkind......

There was a time when I would really look forward to seeing Michael Jackson perform because he is undeniably talented and was exciting to watch. It's a shame that when he makes an appearance now I just hope that he hasn't become any creepier looking than the last time I saw him. You can't even focus on his talent anymore because you fixate on how weird he looks, although it wouldn't hurt if he updated his dance moves either. What's really frightening is that he's not even the clear-cut choice as the scariest looking member of his family....LaToya gives him a pretty good run for his money. Thank goodness for Janet.......
posted by Number at 1:43 AM [edit]

Ah, the memories.....

A friend of mine literally forced me to sit down and watch the movie "Dogtown and the Z-Boys" this past weekend. It's a documentary about the pioneering skateboarders of the '70's and he knew it was sure to stir up some memories in me. It really did take me back to that time because I was just like those guys......but I was much younger and a much crappier rider. I'm almost the exact same age as Tony Hawk so if I stuck with it I could've been a millionaire by now....except for the fact that I sucked. Even so, I did get sentimental seeing the the Fibreflex boards, Road Rider wheels, and hella short shorts in the movie.....all that was missing was a "Keep on Truckin'" t-shirt. It was great to see guys riding in empty swimming pools too.....that was such a rush back in the day. I can't believe we used to do that on skinny little boards while wearing no padding or helmets. Now that I think of it, somebody broke an arm just about every month.....that's the price you paid to have some fun in the pre-video game/computer age. I got so worked up after reliving all those memories that I dug out the skateboard I have in my garage and took it out for a spin....bad idea. I won't get into the specifics of what happened, but it involved some rocks and a sewer grate. I'll just say that there's a reason I have moved on to rollerblading.......
posted by Number at 11:57 PM [edit]

The games men play.....

Who gives a crap about a possible baseball strike because the NFL season is almost upon us. The NFL also means fantasy football, so we had the draft for my league this past weekend. Truth be told, I'm almost embarrassed to be in the league because half the guys are real dorks.....I'm talking some real Star Trek Convention types. Of course it is their geekiness that makes the league very competitive, and that's why I like it. I actually only joined the league to settle a bet. I have a partner, and 2 of our friends are another team. The losing team has to buy the winning team dinner wherever the winners want to go....and I do mean anywhere. Not only do the winners get to pick the restaurant and have the losers pick up the tab, they also can order as much as they want, as long as they finish everything. The last time we won we had 2 appetizers apiece and split 3 desserts. We had to pay for the last dinner.....at Masa's no less....but we are owed one for last year. That makes for a really good hammer to beat down any smack talking.....when one of them tries to say anything we can always say: "you just cost yourself another appetizer, smartass....". But with so much at stake it makes for some obsessive behavior. We talk so much football now that my partner's girlfriend limits us to 5 minutes to talk fantasy football whenever we see each other. She has to because if no one stops us we can go on for hours.....literally hours. We can talk about the fifth-string wide receiver for the Rams, or the third-string running back for the Broncos.....it's pretty sad. And I have the nerve to call those other guys geeks.........
posted by Number at 10:46 PM [edit]

I may be on to something....

I went to a picnic with my married friends this weekend. It was at this park in the 'burbs because all my married friends live in surburban cult-like "communities". Naturally, most of the people who live in these housing complexes are white, but everyone I've met has been really nice so it hasn't been a big deal. We did notice something at the park when we had our picnic though.....all the white people who were there when we arrived were gone within 20 minutes. Everybody was wondering if we drove them away....that surprised me because I don't expect everyone else to think the way that I do. I guess a big group of Asians might make The Man feel a little uncomfortable....hell, when I was at the USA vs. China basketball game I got a little freaked out by all the Asians there....it was like a Chinese Obon festival. And it's not like we weren't insulted or anything....it was nice to have the park to ourselves. A lot of times it's hard to find a place to barbeque because all of these surburban parks get crowded. So that gave us an idea of what we can do if we get to a park that's crowded....if we just turn up the Asian-ness we can freak out everybody enough so that they leave and we could have the park to ourselves. All we'd have to do is bring in a couple of live chickens and wave around some cleavers....or even something simpler, like squatting while eating might do the trick.

posted by Number at 8:45 PM [edit]

Behind enemy lines....

I got a chance to go see Yao Ming play at the Oakland Coliseum tonight. I really scored by getting a free ticket for a luxury box. Then it hit me.....luxury boxes are the domain of The Man...I would have to suck it up and try not to cause a fuss. This meant that instead of oohing and aahing over alley-oops or crossovers I would have to shake my head and mutter something about how shameless showboating is ruining the game. I also watched some of the movie "Hoosiers" so I would have some phrases to drop. Every so often I would yell out: "run the picket fence at 'em....and don't get caught watching the paint dry!". I have no idea what that is supposed to mean, but The Man would nod their heads in agreement when I said it, so I figured I was on the right track. My only trouble spot came during one of the halftime shows. There was a whole chinese theme for the game, so at halftime they had a lion dance and also some woman on a giant unicycle who flipped bowls onto her head (you really had to see it to know what I'm talking about). They also had 10 or 12 martial artists come out to give a kung fu demonstration. I didn't want to jump to conclusions when I saw one white guy in their midst, but I couldn't help but think that his dad must've owned the school they came from or something like that. My suspicions were confirmed when they all got little solo spots and the white guy did a version of drunken boxing that made him look like that drunk guy Otis from "The Andy Griffith Show". Then there was a part when everyone was on their back and then they all did kip-ups to their feet in unison.....except for the white guy. I wanted to say something, but since I was not in my element I decided to keep my thoughts to myself. After all, I may get invited back for some Warriors games so I didn't want to rock the boat. Yes, that my seem a bit hypocritical given the stance I've taken against The Man, but luxury box living is pretty sweet.....once you've lived the life of all the dry roasted peanuts you can eat, its hard to go back.......
posted by Number at 12:53 AM [edit]

On the subject....

I'm still kicking myself for not picking up a copy of "Cool as Ice" years ago when I found it in a bargain bin for $5.00. I should've known it would become a cult classic. It would really be good for a laugh now. I can still remember the classic tag line on the cover: "When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it.... Just add Ice.....Vanilla Ice is Cool as Ice".......it doesn't get any better than that.....


posted by Number at 2:29 PM [edit]

That's quite a fall from grace......

I recently caught "9 1/2 Weeks" on the tube....I'd almost forgotten how smoking Kim Basinger was in that movie. She was so hot that I didn't even mind that she was doing all that stuff with Mickey Rourke. From there she ended up buying a small town, and later won an Oscar for "L.A. Confidential"......and now she's starring as Eminem's mother in his new movie. I feel so bad for her....she's playing a mom now....Eminem's mom....that's gotta sting. Even so, it could be worse.....she could be playing Vanilla Ice's mom in "Cool as Ice 2"......
posted by Number at 2:25 PM [edit]

Out with the old, in with the new.....

Today I got a new cellphone case....I only had my old one for a few months, but it need replacing. The old one was leather, with had some plastic parts so the case could rotate or slide off the beltclip...it seemed study enough, but I guess I pushed it beyond it's limits. Basically what happened is that the case couldn't handle a trip to a strip club. We took a trip to the Crazy Horse a short time ago for a bachelor party.....never mind that I didn't really know the bachelor, I was just along for the ride. So it turns out that there was a girl there who came highly recommended by the guys who are the true strip club connoiseurs (i.e., they have gone to a club by themselves...". Anyway, this girl normally works at the Mitchell Brothers, which is the priciest strip club in the city. That meant that we could get some premium action at a discount price (for anyone interested, her name is Nina, and she's usually at the Crazy Horse on Tuesdays or Wednesdays). We all took turns getting a dance from her (we let the bachelor go first, of course...), and everybody came away satisfied. About a half an hour after I had gotten my dance, I realized that my phone was gone. I then figured out that it had been lapdanced right off of me! I had to go into the back room and rummage through the cushions looking for my phone, while guys were getting their dances. My bad....looking back I realize that was a bit of a strip club faux pas. It turns out that someone found it that turned it in to the front desk, but when I got it back and tried to clip it back to my belt, it became apparent that it wasn't going to work. The stripper had grinded all the plastic parts to bits and the case was toast. Some people might take that as a sign that such sinful endeavors lead to nothing but misfortune....my exact thoughts were: "shit, I have to miss out on a lapdance because I need to use that money to buy a new cellphone case!". I'll have to get in touch with Motorola.....maybe the warrenty will cover lapdance damage.....hey, you never know until you ask.......
posted by Number at 12:52 AM [edit]

What a sucker.....

Since I'm not committing to sobriety until next week I had occasion last night to tie one on. I really wasn't planning to drink, but one of my friends had some guests from out of town who needed some entertaining so I had to step up to the plate. We taught them some of the drinking games we like to play when we get together, and predictably, we kicked their asses since we do it all the time. We showed no mercy either....losers drink no matter how inexperienced they are at the game, even if they are girls. So they were getting pretty drunk, the drinks were progressing to shots, and a lot of smack talking was taking place. Then one of the girls told the bartender that she wanted the toughest shot he could think of.....and then she told him to make it a double because she was ready to drink. I suggested she have a liquid cocaine, and she agreed....then she passed it over to me and said if I didn't drink it, I was weak. I told her I wasn't drinking by myself, and etiquette dictates that if you get someone a shot, you have to take one too. She agreed and got a round for everybody....except we were the only 2 who took our shots. I went to get something out of my car, and when I came back, nobody had taken their shot yet. Since everybody was wussing out, the girl told me that we should take another shot. I figured I can't turn down a challenge from a girl, so I took the shot. They were some pretty tough shots to take, and I was pretty impressed by her ability to hang. She got me to take shots all night because she would drink with me, and I wasn't about to let a girl outdrink me. Finally, the out-of-towners decided to call it a night since they were from a different time zone and it was pretty late for them. I was saying goodbye to my friend who was taking them home when he leaned over to me and said: "you know she was taking shots of Coke, right?". Daaaammn.....I was had! I give her some credit though....that was a good one......
posted by Number at 10:15 AM [edit]

Long live the King.....

With this being the anniversary of Elvis Presley's passing, I am honoring him by writing this entry while sitting on the crapper. Actually, I'm not, but there are other ways to pay my respects. Maybe I'll eat a few dozen fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches and ask out some high school girls....I'll have to give it some thought. On the subject legendary performers, I recently caught a shot of the Rolling Stones in a magazine.....after taking a look at Keith Richards I immediately decided to give up alcohol for a while. Seeing the real affect of too much partying was getting slapped in the face with a diseased liver....quite a reality check. So I'll try staying dry for a couple of weeks and see how it goes.....oh, but I should mention that I won't be starting until next week....I have a real kick ass wedding to go to this weekend and I don't want to miss out on any of the fun.....
posted by Number at 12:39 PM [edit]

No wonder kids are turning out so messed up.....

I've been noticing these stores that have been popping up in malls in the last few years where a kid can create their own teddy bear. That sounds like a neat thing for a child to be able to do because it's kinda a personal thing for a kid and lets them make decisions about how it's made....at least that's what I thought until I actually figured out the process. Like I said, I had seen these places for a while, but it wasn't until a couple of months ago that I really knew how it worked. I went in with some friends while we were killing time in Vegas, and I was horrified by what I saw. For those of you who don't know how it works, I'll give some insight. Basically what you see when you go inside one of these places are a bunch of bins with unstuffed animal carcasses piled inside.....I found it to be a disturbing sight....I'll bet a kid goes running out crying at least once a week. So anyway, a kid can rummage through all the different pelts and find one they like, then they give it to a worker and watch while it gets stuffed....how creepy is that?! That's not a toy, that's taxidermy. If I was a kid I wouldn't be able to sleep in the same room as one of those things. Maybe it's big with hunters who want to get their kids started early....I guess it beats giving them a moosehead or a bearskin rug......

posted by Number at 12:26 AM [edit]

I hate when signals get crossed.....

"Brian Fellow" was telling me a story that involved some girls who were on the make, but didn't really have the honey to attract any bees. That struck a nerve with me because there have been times when I was just looking around and happened to make eye contact with a girl and have her give me a "I caught you checking me out" look.....but I wasn't checking her out....I just happened to be looking in that direction. I hate when that happens.....I even try to give a little head shake as if to say "no, I really wasn't looking at you", but by then it's too late. So what's the big deal at that point, right?....someone feels good about herself and I just stop looking in her direction and that's it. The problem is that I get misrepresented.....some girl is walking around with a smug look on her face for no good reason. And she'll be telling her friends that some guy was checking her out....and the idea of me supposedly being that guy just drives me nuts. Believe me, when I'm really checking out a girl she either won't know it because I'm really being sly, or else she'll definitely know it because my eyes will be bugging out like Buckwheat's did. I may have to start carrying around a sign to clear up the confusion. I was thinking about something saying "I ain't that drunk!", or something along those lines. I'll have to put some thought into it.....any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.....
posted by Number at 12:22 AM [edit]

Holy crap.....

I'm watching Howard Stern on E!, and you'd never guess who's band is performing.....Corey Feldman's! At least I think it's Corey Feldman....I can't keep the Coreys straight...the only difference between them is that one is going quietly into showbiz oblivion, while the other is being dragged kicking and screaming. So anyway, no matter which Corey it was, the music was terrible. But what really disappointed me is that he didn't pull out any of the Michael Jackson moves he used to do, or wear the one sequined glove. You just know he used to practice night and day to perfect Michael's dance moves and now it seems like such a waste. That's something I warn my younger friends about....if a dance craze comes around don't bother learning it because it ain't gonna be timeless. I remember fools working for a month to perfect the "Roger Rabbit", and if you pull that one out now no one will be able to keep from cracking up. Sure it seems dumb now, but I can remember a time when people were seriously out on the dance floor doing the cabbage patch or the running man....btw, has anyone done the macarena lately? That's why I try to keep things in perspective and realize that what I think is cool today will probably seem really dorky a few years from now. In other words, no tattoos for me.....
posted by Number at 11:39 PM [edit]

Don't ask the question if you don't want the answer......

I was at Trader Joe's today and when I was done shopping I got into the "Express" line to pay.....only the line was moving very slowly. It turns out that the woman working the register was moving pretty slugishly. She was kinda going through the motions and acting like she couldn't wait for her shift to end. I noticed her saying "how are you?" to everybody, but she didn't seem to be paying any attention to what anyone was replying to her question. I figured that if she asked me how I was doing I would tell her and see what happened. Sure enough, when she started ringing me up she gave me a very disinterested "how are you doing?".....I replied: "not too good actually....my back's been killing me so that everytime I sit down it really stiffens up....it's getting to the point where I fear having to take a dump. That's a real problem too, because I must've had some dairy sometime today and it's really hitting me hard because of my lactose intolerance.... you wouldn't happen to have a bathroom, would you?". At that point she wouldn't even look up from the register....I found it sorta rude. After all, I was just answering a question honestly.....how is that wrong? At least she seemed to learn a lesson.....she didn't say a word to the next person in line......
posted by Number at 12:29 AM [edit]

Just like I thought.....

I was flipping around the channels last night when the Anna Nicole show came on. I felt compelled to watch some of it, and naturally, it was awful. I would watch for a couple of minutes and then have to look away. The same thing happened when I used to try to watch Jerry Springer or Ricki Lake....there's only so much I can take before it's no longer amusing. I hope she was just trying unsuccessfully to be entertaining for the camera, because otherwise she is as about as smart as a mailbox. And it was really sad when she tried to get her way by acting seductive because she's really got a Jabba the Hutt thing going on right now.....I won't even get into the midriff-baring fashions. It was like watching a trainwreck.....a really big trainwreck.....where all the cars were cabooses. Maybe something can be salvaged out of it.....I think there's potential for one helluva drinking game somewhere in there.....

posted by Number at 12:34 AM [edit]

Now that's never happened before.....

This weekend some friends and I got together to play in a basketball tournament. The championship game had just started when one of the referees called an official timeout. It seems that all the baby strollers that our team had parked just beyond the endline of the court were deemed a possible hazard and had to be moved before play continued. The members of our team had a total of 4 kids, and another is on the way within a month....that created quite a traffic jam in a gym. We are now officially the team of old guys that we used to make fun of. I never even imagined we'd still be playing after all this time....actually, I take that back....I never thought about us ever quitting, I just could never see any of us as parents. Even so, the family dynamic makes it even more fun to play, with all the kids running around and dribbling their mini basketballs, and it's an occasion to get everybody together. One of my friends said that all we need now is for me to have a kid, but someone else pointed out that the idea of a minature version of me is absolutely terrifying....and then she said to me: "don't you think so?". She definitely had a point, and I couldn't agree more......
posted by Number at 11:30 PM [edit]