Abandon hope of political correctness, all ye who enter here.....

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I don't think Kobe and Shaq have anything to worry about.....

Ever since I first heard of that new sport Slamball, I've kinda been looking forward to seeing what it was all about. For those of you who don't know what it is, it's a new sport that could be considered extreme basketball. Contact and goaltending is allowed, and there are several trampolines around each hoop so most of the baskets are crazy dunks. I thought it was supposed to start this weekend, but I was flipping channels around last night and a game was on. They showed a couple of games back to back and I stayed up to watch them both, but I don't feel the need to watch it regularly in the future. It gets pretty old after a while, although one of the guys did a pretty amazing dunk....he was one of the streetball guys in the Nike Freestyle commercial and he was the best player on the court. Because of the contact involved, a lot of the guys actually have a football backround instead of basketball.....and it shows. A lot of those boys have no smoothness to their game at all....that should be expected since the game was invented by The Man. And you want to know what the really funny thing is?.....even with all those trampolines, the white guys still couldn't dunk for shit! They invented the game and they still can't play it any good! It still is basketball after all.........
posted by Number at 12:12 AM [edit]

While I'm on the subject.....

I went to Great America a few weeks ago for the first time in 3 or 4 years. It's always fun to go there, especially when there are some new rides that have been opened since the last visit. The only downside is waiting in long lines, but fortunately, we found plenty of entertainment to occupy us. Now I expect to see some trashy clientele at an amusement park....I counted about 1,000 guys in wife-beaters the day we went and wasn't a bit surprised. We were lucky that there were some guys who went beyond the common wife-beater and gave us something to do in line. While waiting in line we saw some t-shirts that cracked us up. One guy had a shirt on with a horizontal line on the front and below it was written: "Must Be At Least This Tall To Ride". A shirt like that is cool, but it's even cooler when worn at an amusement park! My friends and I made eye contact with each other and looked away so we could laugh......who would actually wear a shirt like that?! The next line we waited in had something even better. There was this guy wearing an even better shirt. First off let me say that the guy was about 5'6" with a crewcut and shaped like a bowling ball. I was thinking how dorky he looked when he turned around so I could see what was on the back of his shirt. It had a picture of a dog, along with the phrase: "Quit Hounding Me, Woman!".......I shit you not!.....I couldn't make this kind of stuff up! But again, if I had grown up in a trailer park that could've been me......but probably not....make that definitely not......
posted by Number at 1:45 PM [edit]

But for the grace of God go I.....

I was in Tahoe this weekend and couldn't help but notice that there was a greater assortment of rednecks than usual. Even my more politically correct friends agreed that there was a distinct Hee-Haw element present there. It turns out that Tim McGraw was performing.....if you're wondering who Tim McGraw is, he is also known as Mr. Faith Hill to those people who's houses don't have wheels on them. Now normally I would be making hayseed comments all weekend, but something I experienced a short time ago gave me pause for thought. What happened is that I met someone recently who grew up in Texas.....she was not only Asian, but Korean. We were playing some music that we had burned and were asking if anyone had any requests. She replied by asking: "ph, do you guys have the new Dixie Chicks?!"....we sat there for a minute thinking: "Dixie Chicks...that's funny". Then we figured out that she was serious.....she liked country music! I was dumbfounded....a fellow Korean liking country music?!.....who ever heard of such a thing. That made me wonder what would have happened to me if I had grown up in the South. Would I think of Nikes, baseball caps, and snowboearding as stupid, and cowboy hats, gun racks, and belt buckles the size of my head really cool? Would I be dipping snuff instead of drinking gin and tonics? Would I wear Wranglers instead of Calvin Kleins? Would I go to the playgrounds to try and get into a pick-up game of cow-chip tossing? I get scared just thinking of such an awful parallel universe. It's the whole nature vs. nurture argument.....am I the person I am because of my genetic makeup, or the environment I grew up in. I have to admit that I have given in to peer pressure before, especially when I was young and impresssionable. I can sum up how bad it got for me in two words.....parachute pants. So yes, I do have a newfound sympathy for trailer trash, for it's not impossible to imagine myself being in the same boat. I'm going to have to remember to thank my parents for choosing to live in the Bay Area.........
posted by Number at 12:58 AM [edit]

Whew, that was a close one......

Yesterday was supposed the be the King's first day at his new job.....except that he decided to not to take the job. On the drive over for his orientation he had an epiphany and realized he shouldn't take a job he wouldn't like, so he went to HR and quit before he even started....fortunately, this was before he signed the papers that would have cut off his unemployment benefits. I told him that he was in the electric chair and got a pardon from the Governor. Now I don't want to say that I'm happy about him remaining jobless, but I can't say that I'm upset that it happened. To be honest, when he told me he was taking the job, the first thing that came to my mind was that I would have to find a job too, since I wouldn't really have much to do without a partner in crime. Golfing by myself wouldn't be much fun, and drinking by myself would just be sad. So his change of heart becomes a reprieve for me, although I really should try to get a job soon.....I'm getting so lazy that I have subsisted the last couple of day on Frosted Mini Wheats, White Cheddar Cheez-Its, and Cookies and Cream Drumsticks because that's all I have around the house and I haven't been able to bring myself to get out to go shopping.....

On a totally unrelated note, I can't tell you how cool it is to hear an Elvis tune turned into a dance track. Being as cheezy as I am I naturally love Elvis, so I immediately went nuts for the Elvis vs JXL remix of "A Little Less Conversation". I can't tell anyone that I like it though, because I'm always talking down dance tracks as opposed to hip hop. It seems like everytime I'm in someone else's car nowadays I have to hear the damn station 92.7! I can say that my other favorite track right now is definitely hip hop.....I listen to "Nothin'" by N.O.R.E. at least a couple of time a day....it's really groovin'. I even like it after seeing the video and realizing that the incredibly horrible Ja Rule had something to do with it....but pretend that I didn't say that because I don't want to leave on a negative note.....I've been told I am sometimes a tad bit negative....
posted by Number at 12:45 AM [edit]

I stand corrected......

After I made my claim of being the magazine king of the free world, a rebuttal was issued by "brian fellow" in the form of a list of all the magazines sent to the fellow household. I came up on the short end.....I knew I shouldn't have cancelled my subscriptions of "Swank" and "Black Tail". It wasn't really a fair competition anyway....most of my hobbies involve sports, and there's only so many sports magazines I can subscribe to, as opposed to the dozens of publications devoted to brian fellow's love of import car racing. Nonetheless, I did make a claim that I cannot back up and must now eat my words.....fortunately, I have a magazine that can show me the best way to do that....
posted by Number at 11:21 PM [edit]

I hit the motherlode......

Every so often the stars align and things really fall into place for you. This happened for me last Friday. Did I find the woman of my dreams?.....no.....did I find the perfect job?.....nope....those are things that can happen every day. What I experienced was the cosmic occurrance of having my weeklys and monthlys coincide. Most of you are probably wondering what the hell I am talking about, but those who really know me will probably figure out that I'm referring to magazines. You see, I subscribe to more magazines than probably anyone on the planet....I claim it's because I love to read, but I don't have the attention span for books....and they have pictures too! Now some of them are weeklys (no, not the National Equirer or the Star or any porno mags, no matter what brian fellow(?!) might claim), but most of them are monthlys. The weeklys might arrive anytime from Wednesday to Saturday, and the monthlys are spread out all throughout the month. But every once in a while a bunch of my monthlys will come at the same time as my weeklys. Friday was a new milestone....the Halley's Comet of magazine delivery.....a once in a lifetime happening. I went to the mailbox and it was stuffed with 12 magazines....12!!! I nearly pissed in my pants with excitement. To me there's nothing better than having a stockpile of magazines. If I don't write for a while, that's the reason.....yes, I realize I'm nuts and in need of some serious professional help.......
posted by Number at 11:48 PM [edit]

The things I do for mankind......

Last week I conducted a science experiment on myself....okay, I'll admit that it was done unintentionally, but the results can still be a benefit to all.

On one of the days that it was really hot last week, I was out playing basketball and when I got home I was thirsty....REALLY thirsty. I drank a lot of water, but that didn't seem to do the trick. What I needed was Gatorade, and as luck would have it, I had a big bottle in the fridge.....it was almost full too. I'm not a glutton, but I really would have preferred a full bottle....you see, a full bottle would have been unopened, unlike the one I had in my fridge....and I had opened it a loooonnng time ago. It had been at least 6 months, and probably more than a year since I had last drank from the bottle, and though I know of people who use the same holiday beverages for several years running, at least it is soda, which just goes flat. So I'm debating whether to take a chance and drink this fermented Gatorade and thought it probably wouldn't be such a good idea, especially since the label said to "refrigerate after opening". Then I read the ingredients and figured out that there was nothing natural in it, like fruit juice, that could go bad. So being a single guy, I naturally decided to roll the dice and drink it. I started gulping it down really quickly and it really hit the spot.....at least until I got to the bottom of the bottle. As I tilted the bottle to get the last of the Gatorade, I felt something solid smack against my lips. I curiously looked down into the bottle and saw a big glob of some kind of Gatorade byproduct swimming in it. It looked like a mushroom cap (keep in mind that mushrooms are fungi), and I immediately felt like puking. I started feeling really quesy and sick, but I didn't honestly know if it was because of what I drank or because I was psychologically traumatized. I managed to suck it up and make it out for drinks that night, but felt compelled to ask everyone if they considered themselves the kind of good person who would be a donor if they had a friend who's kidneys became poisoned. Everybody just looked at me funny....but that's not too unusual. My bartender friend gave me drinks on the house to try and kill the germs......sounds like a pretty good tradeoff to me. Ultimately, I didn't get sick and even drank some more Gatorade the next day. So now you know......Gatorade doesn't go bad....and it can even be enjoyed in solid form like Jello. I better talk to the Gatorade people to make sure I get proper credit for that idea.......
posted by Number at 5:38 PM [edit]

Sorry for being such a lazy ass......

I really should be posting more, but in my unemployed state I don't like doing anything that involves any effort. I do feel obligated because for some strange reason, people check in every day on the off chance I wrote something. Normally it's the opposite.....the people I see all the time keep hoping that I'll shut my mouth. I hope to get around to recounting all the interesting events of the past month, but my memory isn't what it used to be so I may not remember everything....that's what happens drinking becomes your profession. I will make sure to mention my recent revelations in regards to women, so stay tuned......
posted by Number at 11:55 PM [edit]