Abandon hope of political correctness, all ye who enter here.....

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I have never attended an exercise class at the gym, and have never had any intention to so. A friend of mine has been bugging me to go to one with her, and to stop her from nagging me I said I would if she could find something cool. By cool I meant something that didn't have "aerobics" on the end of the title. She threw out a couple of suggestions which I quickly dismissed, but when she got to kickboxing I became interested. I figured that was something I could go for. So we go to the gym and a kickboxing class is in session so we could see what they did. I watched for a while and then this conversation ensued:
me: "when do they start hitting each other?
her: "you don't actually hit anyone!....you kick and punch in place!"
me: "what the f***!....what fun is it if you don't get to hit anyone?!"
her: "it's still fun to do it in place...."
me: "not for me,it's not...what else have you got?"
her: "well, those people lining up are waiting for a step-aerobics class to start"
me: "you cannot be serious....."
her: "what? it's a good workout...and there are guys in line....taking it doesn't make you gay"
me: "uh, yes it does...and besides, that class doesn't do you any good"
her: "how would you know? you've never taken it!"
me: "I don't have to take the class to know it's no good....look at the people in line....most of them are fat, therefore, the class doesn't work"

her: "maybe they are just starting the class..."
me: "it doesn't matter.....and I'm not going into a room full of fat people exercising....there's going to be fat people's sweat flying all over the place...."

her: "you are hopeless....
me: "I'm serious!....I'm all for everyone doing what they can to get into shape, but you have to admit that fat people sweat a lot....they even sweat in the aqua-aerobics class....by the time they get out of the pool, it's turned into salt water"

her: "I think I'm going to have to find someone else to take a class with me"
me: "I think that's a good idea....."

I'll stick to regiment of pub-crawling as my aerobic activity......



posted by Number at 2:46 PM [edit]

A few random thoughts.....

I didn't catch much of the Oscar's this year but I managed to see a little bit of it and here's my take:

For some reason I find it really cool that Opie won....most child stars becomes wackos, so it's nice to see one not only turn out normal, but actually be successful. It's especially ironic given that Barry Williams, Danny Bonaduce, and Todd Bridges just appeared on Celebrity Boxing.

While it's cool to see minorities win the best acting categories, I get the feeling that there may have been some guilt involved. With all the talk about how poor a job the academy has done in recognizing minorities, I got the feeling that there was pressure to try to rectify that and I wasn't surprised at how it turned out. Still, The Man did get in a slam by rewarding Randy Newman once again....for those who don't remember, he wrote "Short People", an obvious slam at Asians!

One last thing...the reason I didn't make the time to watch the whole show is because I knew it would suck. How did I know?....because it was going to showcase the work of Whoopi and Bruce Villanch, and they save their best stuff for the f***ing Hollywood Squares! How sad is it that the Oscars showcase the talent from the Hollywood Squares?!....I'll wait for the MTV Movie Awards......

posted by Number at 10:53 PM [edit]

Yes, I am still alive....

....at least for the moment. I just have to watch my back for another week and then I'm outta here. In the meantime, I have to decide where I'm going to display my mermaid collection since I won't have a desk to keep in on anymore. Maybe I'll hang them from my rear view mirror....but then what would I do with my fuzzy dice?....and maybe a sock monkey too!

So, I noticed that they showed the Celebrity Boxing again.....they are determined to run the thing into the ground. Like everybody, I thought the idea was an affront to human decency and an embarrassment to everyone involved....and I couldn't wait to see it. How could I not watch it?....it was pay-per-view quality crap that was put on free television so I couldn't pass that up. Sadly, it sucked even more than I thought it would, and I won't watch the next one unless they come up with some more compelling matchups. I was thinking about who I'd like to see box each other, and a there were a lot of intrigueing possibilities. Ultimately though, I realized that there's only one bout I'd really like to see....it's something I would pay for. That ultimate matchup would be Gary Coleman vs. Webster.....that would be so awesome. That would be like celebrity boxing AND midget wrestling combined into one! Who could resist that?! They could put anything else on the card and I wouldn't care....but no women. Some of you might be surprised that I would feel that way....my co-workers were. They asked: "I thought you liked to watch women box?..." To that I replied: "no no no....I hate to see them box.....but I love to watch them FIGHT....there's a huge difference! I don't want a ring or gloves or refs or rules....just let them go at it like alley cats thrown together into a canvas sack". But that's just me.....my views don't represent the general public......




posted by Number at 1:19 PM [edit]

My next post could be my last.....

The moment we've all been dreading here at work could happen at any moment. No, it's not getting laid off that we are afraid of, it's the possibility of Postal Guy getting the axe that makes us fearful. Yes, we joke about him being a candidate to go postal, but it's also a real possibility. The crazy thing is that they wanted to keep him on even though he would have nothing to do, because everyone was scared of what he might do if he was let go. The problem with that idea was that the idiot let it go to his head and started thinking that he was kept because they couldn't live without his expertise. So he thought he had leverage and started busting everybody's chops to get more money. First he asked for a transfer to a location where he could run a department....they said no. Then he let it be known that he'd be willing to move to the east coast if he got a fat raise....they countered saying that if he came they could probably find a desk for him and a computer he could use. He started getting mad and was complaining all the time when someone said: "uh, how can you make demands when it's you who is asking to be transferred?". That seemed to calm him down....but only momentarily. You have to understand that he is in his 40's and has no money saved and a lot of debt, so he's always looking for a way to cash in. His latest bright idea was to quit and take his severance....he's been around so long that he would get about 5 months worth if he left. He asked everybody if they thought he should do that, and everyone.....I mean everyone, told him that he should feel lucky to have a job. So naturally, after mulling it over, he decides to quit if he can get his severance. He sends an email out inquiring as to what kind of package he'd get if he quit, but by this time all the severance money had been allotted, and there was nothing left for him. On top of that, since he's been annoying everyone so much, they higher ups have pretty much decided to get rid of him.....and this is the kicker.....since he wrote emails asking about his severance and mentioning quitting, those can be used as a letter of resignation and he can be let go without getting any severance. If they go ahead with that, the shit's going to hit the fan because he's going to go nuts! I'm half kidding, but I honestly don't know what he'll do. So if you hear about any incidents downtown, and don't hear from me again, you know what happened...........
posted by Number at 3:02 PM [edit]

Mission accomplished.....

This weekend was the annual birthday celebration in Tahoe for J-Smooth....once again it was a rousing success as we got him to puke in Tahoe AND during the ride home. I experienced a bit less success on a personal level. Although I managed to profit at the casinos, I fell short in my quest to drink as many ounces of beer as pounds I weigh and as a consequence of my efforts I spent the night passed out on the couch. I would recount more embarrassing happenings on the trip, but since most of them involved me, I'll pass. Besides, my memory is a little fuzzy so I can't recall much anyway. Maybe some things will come back to me....otherwise I'll try to make something up......
posted by Number at 9:45 PM [edit]

Who'd have thunk it?......

I was reading some shocking news in the paper today......"Heavy pot use impairs brain....". Damn, I would never have guess that smoking weed could cause kill brain cells, memory loss, and make it difficult to concentrate. Prolonged use makes the symptoms even worse! You would think that for as long as pot has been around they would have figured this stuff out earlier, but I guess that it was difficult to test subjects after they had smoked because they kept cutting out to go to Jack in the Box right after finishing a joint. A friend of mine would've made a good test subject because he smokes.....a lot.....as in every day. So when I heard the news I immediately gave him a call:

"hey dude, I've got some good news and some bad news for you...."
"give me the bad news first...."
"okay....they have proof that smoking pot kills your brain cells..."
"tell me something I don't know.....besides, I hear we have a lot of those to spare anyway.... what's the good news?"
"the good news is that due to all your smoking, in a couple of minutes you won't remember that I told you the bad news...."
"bullshit....I'll remember"
"okay, but if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make any sound?"
'what the fuck are you talking about?"
"I don't really know....do you remember what I was talking about?"
"fuck if I know..."
"yeah....that's what I thought....."

Ignorance is bliss..........

posted by Number at 1:47 PM [edit]