Abandon hope of political correctness, all ye who enter here.....

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In times of need, teamwork saves the day.....

The first of the layoffs in our department have begun, and with them come many challenges. One of the guys who's last day is today had a problem that required everybody to pull together to come up with a workable solution. The problem: how to smuggle his Aeron chair out of the building so he could take it home with him. Immediately we discounted some obvious solutions as impractical.....we couldn't toss it out the window because they don't open in our building, and we couldn't just roll out with it because there are cameras everywhere, as well as security at the front door. The next thought was to dismantle it and take it out in pieces, but the base couldn't come apart without messing with the aero mechanism, making it too big to sneak out. A lesser group might have thought it was a no-win scenario and given up, but we are a hearty lot so we stuck it out. Ultimately, the answer became obvious.....someone we know drives a scooter to work, so we told him to go out and take the wheels off. Then we could put them on the side of the chair, have someone sit in it, and then throw a blanket over his lap. Ta da.....instant wheelchair!! I hope they don't catch on when we do it for the 12th time......
posted by Number at 2:08 PM [edit]

Being single vs. having a girlfriend

Single guy: "Why do all the stores already have all the Valentine's candy and stuff on display?....Valentine's day is 2 1/2 weeks away!"

Guy with a girlfriend: "Oh shit! Valentine's day is only 16 days away!"


posted by Number at 1:57 PM [edit]

You can't say he hasn't been warned.....

The other day some of my co-workers and I got together after work for some dinner and drinks. 6 or 7 of us had planned to hang out, but one guy had to cancel at the last minute. He wanted to come, but he didn't because it would've made his girlfriend mad. It turns out that he was hanging out with his boys the night before, but that wasn't what he told his girlfriend. She has this idea that he shouldn't feel the need to go out with his buddies if he has her for companionship, and if he does, it's only because he is looking to cheat on her or something. So he told her that he was out with us, and came up with a whole backround story about where we went to eat and why we were going out. He even made us memorize the details in case she ever asked us about it. All of this meant that if he actually went out with us, it would seem like he was hanging out with the co-workers 2 nights in a row, so he couldn't go. In other words, he was spending too much time with us even though he wasn't out with us at all. He's always trying to keep his stories straight like tha. It brought to mind what I told him after I'd known him for a while.....I said that if anybody I know is ever going to get John Wayne Bobbit-ed, it would be him.....and that was before he started going out with a possessive woman. So if anyone is driving around and see's a penis being thrown out of a moving car, let me know because I may be able to give it back to it's rightful owner.........
posted by Number at 10:37 AM [edit]

Anybody hard-up for a place to live?.....

I was walking around lunch today when I spotted a "For Rent" banner hanging on this place. The location is pretty good, right on the edge of North Beach and within walking distance of a wide variety of good restaurants. I'm not sure what the rent would be, but I'd imagine it would be pretty reasonable. Oh yeah, one more thing....it's right above "Big Al's", the adult bookshop and the self-proclaimed "Valentine's Day Headquarters" on Broadway. As a bonus there is a trashy strip club, "Roaring 20's", right next door. So if you're a fan of perverts and skanky women, you might want to look into it before it gets snapped up.........
posted by Number at 1:47 PM [edit]

I should've been hired as a consultant.....

I watched some of "That 80's Show" last night, and being the "glass is half-empty" kind of guy that I am, I spent most of my time dwelling on the things I thought they got wrong. The robot?....in the 80's?....no way! The 80's was strutting, poppin', and breakdancing! Just think of the movies that were made in the 80's....Beat Street, Krush Groove, and of course, Breakin' 2 Electric Boogaloo, and you won't see a hint of the robot in any of them. You might find it in "Rappin'", but only because it starred Lorenzo Lamas, and he had to do something to kill time before they cut away to the breakdancing stand-in. Actually, 80's dancing was really all about the pogo-stick kinda thing that the white folk did.....well, not just the white folk because I must admit that there were times that I did it too, and I keep trying to forget that it happened, but the images keep haunting me like Vietnam War flashbacks. The connection between war and the 80's is obvious....on the battlefield, soldiers wear helmets....in the 80's, we had helmets of hair. That's another thing they got wrong.....the hair product of choice wasn't hairspray, it was mousse!....or gel....or both....or both AND hairspray....but rarely just hairspray. I can personally say that KMS gel changed my life. I take that back.....wine coolers were what really changed my life. That's yet another thing they got wrong. Flavored wine coolers?....by the time those came out, the age of the wine coolers was over. It was all about California Coolers....when you took a sip of one of those you'd get a mixture of cheap wine, juice, chunks of citrus pulp, and bits of foil that came off the mouth of the bottle.....and it was great! By great, I mean that girls would drink them, and a single 4-pack could get at least 3 girls really buzzed.....clearly, that was a good thing. Then Bartles & Jaymes came out, and they were even easier to drink....a 4-pack of that stuff was worth it's weight in Spanish Fly! Oh, the fond memories.....

The best thing about the show was the Asian guy playing the generic sitcom horny guy. Sure, it's a half-assed, one-dimensional character, but it isn't a race-specific, half-assed, one-dimensional character. Anybody could have been cast in that role, but usually, anybody=The Man. I don't know how that happened, but I ain't complaining. Just imagine that an Asian guy is playing the equivalent of Larry from "Three's Company". We've come a long way, baby!.........
posted by Number at 9:42 AM [edit]

Do I smell a conspiracy?.....

"Kiss of that Dragon", starring Jet Li, came out on video today, which only served as a reminder that he will never make a really good American movie. Why?.....because The Man won't let him! I mean really, a Jet Li movie directed by The Man?! Clearly, the white studio heads want to ruin Jet's reputation by having his movies directed by hack, music video guys. Sure, they lose money on his movies, but the greed of The Man is surpassed by the desire to keep a brother down! And besides, they'll make back all that money on the Steven Segal and Jean-Claude Van Damme crap they keep churning out. And you know what?.....there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. It's sad that some kids will actually grow up debating who's better, Jet Li....or Chuck Norris! If I ever hear someone say that I'm going to beat someone with a copy of "Fist of Legend"......
posted by Number at 10:09 PM [edit]

What will they think of next?.....

I went to this cool restaurant the other night for the first time. I'd heard good things about it, and I wasn't disappointed. The food was good, the service first-rate, and the ambiance terrific. It's one of those hip new places that is willing to be creative in it's food and decor, taking traditional ideas and giving them a twist.....but what really threw me off was the bathroom. There wasn't much unusual about the bathroom itself, but when I stepped up to the stall, I noticed that it was full of ice. I hesitated for a moment, and then looked around at everybody else to see if there was something special I needed to do. Was it okay to take actually take a piss in there?...am I supposed to pour a drink into it?....was it some hip version of an ice machine? Then it hit me that it was merely a way to occupy the time while in the bathroom. Some places will hang the newspaper on the wall so there's something for guys to do while they relieving themselves, but this place choose ice instead. It did take me a couple of minutes to figure it out, but it finally hit me that the ice was like snow.....so you can write your name in it! I don't think everybody else had the same revelation that I did, but then again, I'm hipper than most. I even got some weird looks from a couple of rubes as I backed up so I'd have enough room for my cursive to come out right.....it's sometimes hard being a sophisticate......
posted by Number at 10:05 AM [edit]

A little dining tip......

There are a lot of different reasons to dine out.....it might be because you don't, or can't cook. Or maybe to have occasion to meet up with friends. Or it could be to experience new types of food. I personally don't go out to eat as often as I used to, but there are certain things I look for when I do. First of all, I want the food to be good....it can be basic, but it should be good. I would also hope that the service maintains a satisfactory standard....that's part of what you pay for. That's part of the reason why I've been patronizing some of the nice steakhouses that the City has to offer. I can always go for a nice cut of meat, but more than that I enjoy the atmosphere....at least my definition of atmosphere. I know you're all wondering what I mean by that....I will admit that I don't think of things in the same terms as everybody else. What I consider the defining element of the atmosphere of a bourgie steakhouse is the large quantity of stodgy old white folk who get the beejeezus scared out of them the moment me and my friends walk through the door. I love it when they look out of the corner of their eyes and try not to stare, all the while they are thinking: "please don't seat them next to me!". Now pretty much the entire restaurant will be thinking that, and only a couple of lucky tables will actually have to deal with us sitting next to them, but I don't like everybody else feeling like they got totally off the hook. I like to make sure that our presence can't be ignored. That's why I always take a detour on the way to our table and wind through the whole restaurant with my hands up while yelling: "WE ABOUT TO GET OUR STEAK OONNNNNN!!!!". For some reason the food always tastes so much better to me when I do that........
posted by Number at 9:19 AM [edit]

See, Michael Irvin and Deion Sanders are on to something.....

Damn it's cold! I can't believe it can be this sunny but so cold! And to make things worse, I didn't get the fur coat for Christmas like I hoped to. Apparently, my so-called friends don't check my Amazon wish list because "fur coat" and "fur hat" were the only items on it and I didn't get either! I really need a fur coat to remain styling in this weather. I have to admit that my Members Only jacket is meant for fashion, not function........
posted by Number at 12:50 PM [edit]

Good manners go out to window....

Since they announced that our department is being moved and people are being layed off, there has been a big drop of in the level of professionalism around here. I hear the words: "who gives a shit....what're they going to do, fire me?!" almost every day. If anybody was counting on me to be the one to set a better example, then they were sadly mistaken. My obligations are to show up on time and get my work done, which I do, but I don't feel the need to do anything more than that. The main difference is that I don't feel the need to indulge people who drive me nuts.....my patience has come to an end. This doesn't really effect anybody but Postal Guy....he's been especially nuts lately, and he's driving everybody up the wall. So as a stress-reliever, I downloaded a bunch of soundbites to my computer to be played at the appropriate time. When Postal Guy offers unsolicited advice, I play Adam Sandler saying "SHUT UP!"......when he starts going into one of his legendary 10 minute run-on sentences, then it's time for Homer Simpson's "BOOOORRING".....everybody gets a kick out of it, and he's so oblivious that he doesn't even realize that it is referring to him. If you think that I'm being cruel, then you've got it all wrong. At least now people will let him keep talking because the soundbites make it interesting for them. It used to be that people would just pretend not to hear him....or walk away while he was in mid-sentence....or fall asleep while he was telling a story.....or fake a heart attack....anything to get him to stop talking to them. So what if I'm probably the first to get it when he finally does go postal....I like being first in line....I'm not called Number One for nothing.....
posted by Number at 9:53 AM [edit]

Maybe I should just go jogging for a while...

The beginning of the year always sucks at the gym because of all the New Year's resolution types who show up for the first time in months. The main problem is that it gets really crowded, and close proximity and sweat don't mix too well. I can handle that, but with more people comes a greater chance that some of them will be freaks. I've said before that the men's locker room in the gym is a very scary place.....sometimes I'm tempted to work out in slacks and a sweater rather risking a trip inside to change. It's especially dangerous to head toward the bathroom because the path from the showers cuts right through the one heading to the toilet. So the other day I take a chance and head to the bathroom because I really had to go, while being on guard for any possible danger coming from the showers. I had my trusty red-hot pokers handy in case I had to jam them into my eyes rather than be permanently traumatized by the sight of some naked sasquatch-type walking around.....for some reason those kind of guys keep their towels around their necks instead of their waists. Thankfully, I made it past the showers without incident and was headed toward the promised land of the urinal when I was blindsighted by a horrific image.....next to the sink was a fat guy who had gotten out of the shower and was rotating himself around so that he could alternate drying his ass and his sac with the hand dryer!! The shock of such a sight caused me to drop my red-hot pokers so I couldn't even gouge my eyes out......blindness sounded pretty good about that time. Now I may never visit the gym again....my revised New Year's resolutions now include a promise to NOT work out as much......
posted by Number at 9:59 PM [edit]

I just found out some new details on Prince Harry and his weed smoking. Apparently he got busted when he and a buddy got caught sneaking into the palace with 3 bags of Doritos, 2 boxes of Twinkies, a sixer of Coors Light, and a bootleg copy of "How High". He then demanded that a 7-11 and a Jack in the Box be built inside of Buckingham Palace immediately, while his buddy snickered: "dude, you are sooo busted!"
posted by Number at 11:25 AM [edit]

I thought it was funny reading about Josh's musing about the origins of the long sweater cardigan because I used to wonder about that myself. Then it hit me that since it's clingy on the top and covers the bottom, it's the best of both worlds.....it emphasizes the boobs and at the same time it covers the butt. With women, it's always about the boobs and the butt. With men, it's about looking buffed, and minimizing the gut. That's why fat guys wear those Guido suits with the wide shoulders. They think it makes them look muscle bound and tapered at the waist.....I think it makes them look like a kite. But then again, I'm not an "accentuate the positive" type of person. Unfortunately, the gut-consciousness of guys has led to the virtual demise of the half-shirt....with the possible exception of gay men. Now people may be asking what qualifies me to comment on fashion.....the Members Only jacket I have hanging in my closet gives me carte blanche........
posted by Number at 10:45 AM [edit]

I'm still no miracle worker.....

This may surprise some folks, but I really am a giving sort of person who's ready to give a hand to those in need. For that reason, people who know me will often ask for my advice or guidance about their affairs. I have useless tidbits of information on a wide range of topics, so I can usually sound like I know what I am talking about. Because sometimes easing someone's mind is just as important as providing answers....at least that's what I tell people when they come back to me later asking why I gave them such crappy advice. But there are times when circumstances, or even Mother Nature itself, prevent me from helping someone out. A case in point is my hot co-worker who bartends on weekends. It turns out that she likes to dance to hip hop music, but knows that she looks lame and asked me if I could help her. I quizzed her about what she knew about hip hop and suggested that the booty-er the song, the easier it was to cut loose. Here's where we hit our first roadblock because she didn't understand the concept of booty-ness. I tried to explain it to her, but stopped because I wasn't really capturing the vibe like I wanted to....I started sounding like Arsenio Hall: "it's that deep down, getcha freak on right between your toes funk....." I started to think that maybe there are certain things that a white girl from Modesto just isn't meant to do, but I was determined to do what I could anyway. I tried giving her some basic advice to minimized the caucasian elements of her moves. What I stressed was not to try to do too much....less is more. I put it like this: "don't keep your feet rooted to the floor, but don't really pick them up and do any steps either.....you can do stuff with your body, but minimize the arm movements....and for heaven's sake don't do any turns or spins....you could really hurt somebody that way!" She seemed to understand what I was saying, but I got the feeling that once the bass started pumping it would be a different story. She started saying something about maybe it would be better if she was shorter so that her center of gravity was lower. That was when I decided to cut out all the pretense and just be honest with her. I said: "Look, you're tall, you're thin, and most importantly, you are white....the lord has dictated that you are meant for something else....you were born to RIVERDANCE!" That seemed to strike a chord with her, and she proceeded to stand up straight, put her hands on her hips, and do a little jig for me. She had found her calling........
posted by Number at 6:50 PM [edit]

I enjoy going to the movies, but I've fallen behind on my movie watching. A lot of it has to do with the holidays and all that kind of stuff, but it also has to do with the movie "I am Sam".....not only do I not want to see the movie, but I can't even stand to watch the trailer. I got into a debate with my buddy's sisters at a party because they were saying it looked good and how good Sean Penn is supposed to be in it.....I was forced to voice my disagreement. I said that it's easy for an actor to play someone retarded because the way they are supposed to act is clearly defined....it's pretty much an impersonation. In fact, someone who's doing a parody will act the same way as someone doing a serious interpretation of someone who's retarded......every frat boy I've ever met can do exactly the same thing Sean Penn does in the movie. Then one of his sister tried to pull the political correctness card on me by asking in an abrupt manner: "are you saying that all retarded people act the same way?". I replied by saying: "I didn't say that...what I'm saying is that there are certain vocal characteristics and speech patterns that are pretty consistant with people who are mentally retarded, or at least the way they are depicted in Hollywood....not to mention the way the walk, hand gestures, etc.....and because most Hollywood depictions are similar, it's the reputation of the actor that determines whether the public considers it a good performance or not. When it's Sean Penn, it's a great performance....when it's Rob Lowe or Juliet Lewis, it's an embarrassing stretch, but in reality, it's all basically the same thing." Then my buddy put an exclaimation point to my argument by adding: "I was just reading how somebody said that for an actor to play somebody mentally challenged, all he has to do is button his shirt all the way to the top and wear floods....." I couldn't have said it any better myself.......
posted by Number at 2:12 PM [edit]

His admin's name is must be Marilyn Chambers.....

We are undergoing a lot of organizational changes here at work.....that is the official term for layoffs. My department will no longer exist, and they are trying to place me somewhere else in the company. The guy who is in charge of trying to find room for the displaced workers in our firm is based in New York, and he was in town to meet with certain individuals to find out if he do anything for them. I was told that he'd want to see me while he was here, and to expect someone to contact me to arrange a meeting. So today I find this post-it on my monitor telling me that John Holmes called. The first thing that crossed my mind was that the Queen was messing with me, but then I thought that she's more of a Ron Jeremy person, so it probably wasn't her. I asked around, and it turns out that the guy I'm supposed to meet is named John Holmes! Maybe I'm just immature, but hearing the name of a porno star just cracks me up. Even when I was prepared to hear it, I still almost cracked up when I had to actually say into the phone: "I'm trying to reach John Holmes". It also created a dilemma, because I had to talk to this guy about a job, but my smart-alecky instincts kept trying to take over. In the end I was able to maintain my professionalism, even though I didn't even want the job. As I was leaving I couldn't totall let it go........I just had to sneak a peak to see if it was evident that he was hung like a porn star.....the verdict was inconclusive......
posted by Number at 3:20 PM [edit]

Once again, my opinion is validated.....

A friend of mine was relating a story to me about a date she had. She had gone through a divorce and was just starting to get into the dating scene again. She met a guy at a social function and they seemed to hit it off well enough, so he asked for her number and they arranged to meet for dinner. They made plans to meet at a restaurant, and the guy was at the bar having a drink when she arrived. She ordered a drink too, and then they closed out their tab so they could go to their table and eat. The guy made a point to mention that he would take care of the drink tab. So they're having dinner and getting to know each other a little better. He mentions that his profession is "theatrical performance artist", which she took to mean that he was an actor of some kind. She also got the impression during their conversation that he didn't make a lot of money, so she offered to pick up the check for dinner. He replied: "you know what?.....I'm secure enough in my manhood to let you do that". They decided to go dancing, so she asked him if he could drive since she picked up the dinner check. He said: "uh sure.....if you don't mind having to climb through the window....". So naturally, she then offered to drive. While they are in the car, the guy starts playing with all the knobs and switches, all the while saying: "wow, this is cool!". And he never stopped, he kept playing around the whole time they were driving. So at this point she's starting to think that he's kinda strange, but went ahead into the club with him anyway (after he waited for her to pay for them to get in). They get out on the dancefloor, and she starts thinking that he's a bit of a spaz in the dancing department, but the worse was yet to come. He suddenly breaks out......and starts VOGUEING!! Then he spots a pole and starts working the pole like a stripper. At that point she had seen enough, so she gave him cab fare and left. His behavior could be more easily explained when she found out later what he meant by "theatrical performance artist"..........he works as a MIME! I was shocked to hear that.....I had no idea that somebody could be a professional mime in this day and age. But I loved the story because gives me something to tell people when they ask me why everyone should hate mimes. You see, there are certain things that I believe it is every good Americans duty to hate......mimes are one of them, along with clowns, Michael Bolton, etc. I would think that no explaination would be necessary as to why I think the way I do about the subjects in question, but sometimes people insist I provide evidence to support my beliefs. As far as mimes go, the prosecution can now rest it's case......
posted by Number at 10:24 PM [edit]