Abandon hope of political correctness, all ye who enter here.....

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Holidays take so much out of me........

I'm very tired today after the holiday festivities of yesterday. In case nobody noticed, November 27th is Bruce Lee's birthday, which qualifies it as a holiday to me. The Man has his Columbus day, and I have my Bruce Lee day....fair is fair. He would have been 61 yesterday if the white studio owners and Chuck Norris hadn't conspir.....actually, I can't prove that theory (at least not yet), so I won't bring it up at this time. Besides, a holiday calls for celebration, which is what I spent yesterday doing. And what does one do to celebrate Bruce Lee day?....well, what I do is an homage to the classic "Fists of Fury". That involves kicking the ass of every Japanese guy I see for a full 24 hours (and no, wahine, I didn't take my shirt off to complete the tribute). Now I have about 6 months to recover before I have to do it all over again for Jet Li's birthday.........
posted by Number at 9:56 AM [edit]

Oh damn, here we go again.....

If you want to make a man cry (in a non-pussy way), show him the movie "Brian's Song". I dare any man to resist welling up while watching that movie. As you may have heard, they are doing a re-make, which will be on in a week. I had heard about it, but I figured it would be a crappy facsimile of the original....and it probably will be. But I just saw the commercial for it, and damned if I didn't almost start bawling on the spot....and that was just a minute of footage, I can only imagine what would happen if I saw the whole thing. I feel no shame though....a guy is allowed to cry during "Old Yeller" when he's a kid, and "Brian's Song" when he's an adult....but that's it.....
posted by Number at 10:56 PM [edit]

I'm beginning to notice a trend.....

I went to dinner the other night for JT's birthday. It began with cocktails while we waited for everyone to arrive, which was followed by consumption of large quantities of red meat.....and even larger quantities for red wine. A good time was had by all......uh, except maybe the people around us, because at some point I noticed that all the tables around us had emptied. It dawned on me that scaring adjoining diners away is not an unusual occurrence. Maybe that just a coincidence, but even if it's not, what can ya do? It was a celebration, and we were just having a really good time....it's hard to feel like you should apologize for that. I will acknowledge that it can get a little loud...alcohol can do that. There are only 2 instinces where I make myself hoarse.....at sporting events, and when I've been drinking. Hey, if a restaurant serves alcohol (at an inflated price no less) then they have to live with the consequences. I follow the rules by wearing a shirt (shut up, wahine!), and shoes, so I expect the service. At least I don't have to worry about that on a regular basis, although I can only imagine what would happen if wahine was a drinker....as it is, a reminder to "watch her volume" is sometimes in order. I can say that because I don't think I'll see her for a while, so I can only get a virtual ass-kicking. hahaha......
posted by Number at 10:43 PM [edit]

In this era of Big Brother, it's important to realize that someone could be watching us at any time. With that in mind, I have had to make certain concessions. For example, when I talk smack about somebody, I also add something nice, so I can make an argument later, should I happen to be recorded. "Yeah, I said you were an asshole, but I also said that I wouldn't kick your girlfriend out of bed...". "Yes, I said you were a bitch, but I added that you'd look good in a thong..." And just like that, a potential disaster is averted. But I just have good people skills like that. You may be thinking: "why don't you just fight Big Brother so you don't have to worry about being watched?". That is a valid point, but I can't spread myself too thin, and the crusade against The Man is priority # 1....
posted by Number at 10:22 AM [edit]

I've had this bug that I haven't been able to shake. I missed a couple of days of work and still didn't feel right by the weekend. Since it was lingering so long, I decided to research the worst possible scenario, so I looked up the symptoms of anthrax exposure. I'm not a fatalist, but I was just curious. Luckily, my symptoms didn't seem to match, so I think I'm safe. I went ahead and checked out small pox too.....and ebola......I may as well cover all the bases. That's what it's come to....instead of just having to worry that I'm going to get an ass-kicking because I passed my bug to the Queen, I now have to consider the possibility that I've picked up a life-threatening virus. But at least I'm going to live....unless I actually did pass along a bug to the Queen....then I might end up being an ingredient in the Thanksgiving day stuffing....
posted by Number at 9:46 PM [edit]

This was today's best junk e-mail subject line: "Add inches to your Manhood to please your mate". I think it was really meant for someone else because (1) I don't have a mate, and (2) I'm not the type of guy who capitalizes the word "Manhood".
posted by Number at 9:13 AM [edit]

There goes the neighborhood.....

I went to a party thrown by the King the other night......it was in Oakland, at a place where I have attended numerous functions. While I was inside, my car got messed with.....nothing major, the emblem on the back of my car was just pried off by some fool.....it was a Honda emblem, by the way. What kind of low-rent vandal steals a Honda emblem anyway?! I'm figuring it had to be some fool-ass riceboy type who wants to make his Hyundai look like a Honda or something like that. At any rate, it's not really that big a deal, except that it signals a possible disturbing trend. Could it be that even the streets of Oakland are no longer safe?! Do I now have to be afraid to walk the down E. 14th while making a malt liquor run? Can I still hit all the regular spots looking to score some crack without having to worry about getting mugged? Will I continue to feel secure cruising the streets looking for hookers?...... One can only hope so. I really hope it was only an isolated incident and that Oakland will still represent the best and brightest that the East Bay has to offer.

I don't want to make the night sound like a total waste....I had a good time at the party. I actually got there very early so I could help the King set everything up. In return for my efforts, I was given a great honor as a token of appreciation. For the very first time, I had the priviledge of opening the procedings by throwing up the ceremonial first woody when the initial group of scantily clad hoochies showed up.....it was an experience I will cherish for a long, long time.......
posted by Number at 10:19 PM [edit]

The showdown, part 1.......

A lot of people don't know of my rap roots....I have connections to MC Hammer going way back.....I used to rent him kung fu and porno videos back when he was known by Stanley Burrell. With a pedigree like that, is it any wonder that I get called out all the time by perpetrators wanting to make a name for themselves? My latest challenge came from the Filipino Jay-Z disciple who got my attention by being able to create a rhyme that included the word "lumpia". The disciple threw down the gauntlet by asking me to offer up a person, place, and a thing to form the basis of a rap. In true Wayne Brady style, the disciple came up with a rhyme off the top of the head, "who's line is it anyway?"-style, after being given the following subject matter: Mike Tyson, Madison Square Garden, and a popsicle. Here are the results:

people say im ludicrous
that just makes me wanna bite your ear
when i battle my opressors with hugs and kiss
i just suckle my sicle with care

chill with me at the garden brutha
me and spike will take you out
but if you tell me that you did my mutha
i'll kick your ass with..... ("oh wait,*** is on the phone, brb")

It must be noted that the disciple did all this while simultaneously carrying on a phone conversation, and couldn't even finish the last line because of another interruption (although apparently it was going to end with the word 'kraut'(?!)....also, it was totally off the cuff. For my rebuttal, I was given Ross Gellar, a pumkin, and a toilet at the Louvre in France. What the hell?!.....even the great Biz Markie couldn't make a rhyme out to that! Nonetheless, I had to rise to the occasion in true old skool fashion, and this is what I came up with:

the scientist Friend is who i be...
i'm down with the s*** called anthropology....
many wives i've had, from europe came #3
and she told me that the louvre is the place to pee
like makin' jack o lanterns on halloween night
i carve up sucka mc's who dare to put up a fight
the R to th O to the S to the S
f*** you xxxx 'cause i just aced your test!

I must admit that mine wasn't really improvisational.....in fact, as my opponent noted "ive had dinner and pooped twice by the time you finished"

So true, but as the King has often said: "I'm from Oakland.....we don't fight fair!". Hahahaha.....better luck next time!

Stay tuned for part II........



posted by Number at 3:23 PM [edit]

Wow, former Dallas Cowboy offensive lineman Nate Newton was arrested for possession of 213 pounds of marijuana....213 lbs!!!! That is a crapload of weed....almost as much as Snoop took with him on his tour. What I can't understand is how he was dumb enough to get caught. Any pot smoker worth his salt should have seen Cheech & Chong's classic ganja-fest "Up in Smoke".....probably several times. If Big Nate had watched the movie, he would've known to light up his cargo when he was pulled over, so the cops would inhale the weed and let him go while they made a beeline for the nearest Jack-in-the-Box. Sadly, the lessons passed along to us by Cheech and Chong have been ignored.

At least one other icon of popular culture is being given it's just due. Another cast member of the classic show "Saved by the Bell" is moving on to bigger and better things as Zack joins the cast of "NYPD Blue". I'm waiting to hear that Screech will be showing up on "The West Wing", but I can't actually confirm that......
posted by Number at 2:27 PM [edit]

Last week I was taken to a Chinese market by the Queen, and I was reminded how much weird stuff is considered food by the Chinese. It's not just that no part of an animal is wasted, it's that weirdest parts are often considered the best eats. I have told the Queen that you couldn't have some old Chinese person as a contestant on "Fear Factor" because all they would ace the part where they have to eat eyeballs or pig parts too easily.....they'd probably want to take home the leftovers too. I know some people might say: "Korean, please!.....what about the crap you people eat?!". Yes, a lot of Korean food is whacked out too, but it gets smothered in spicy flavorings to mask the gaminess. Most of the time you can't tell what it used to be....and that's often a good thing. So anyway, I was walking the aisles at Costco and noticed this jumbo bag of pig ears. I thought to myself: "is this a new Chinese delicacy aisle or something?", but then I noticed that they were meant to be some kind of dog treat. Oops, my bad.....it was an honest mistake....can you really blame me for the confusion?
posted by Number at 5:34 PM [edit]