Abandon hope of political correctness, all ye who enter here.....

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Wow, our local San Jose Earthquakes won the Major League Soccer championship......alright, all together now: "Who Cares?!". I mean honestly, it's soccer, so who gives a crap. I don't care how many times I hear it's the most popular sport in the world, that still doesn't make it any less boring. My theory is that it's the world's biggest excuse to get drunk and rowdy. The most exciting thing during a game is when a guy shouts "Goooooooaaaaalllll!!!!" for an hour after somebody scores. And no, I don't thinks it's cool for the scorer to run around and take off his shirt, no matter what x says. I've also been told that soccer is really catching on with all the kids in this country, which supposedly means that it will be really big in the years to come. Anybody who would say that is missing the big picture. You see, sports like baseball and basketball require some athletic skill to play, even at the beginner's level. Kids can actually get hurt by flying baseballs and the like if they aren't coordinated. Soccer, on the other hand, just requires kids to run around. Even the lame kids can participate, because all they have to do is get in the way of somebody on the other team to do a good job. If a fat kid falls flat on his face from exhaustion, his parents can still yell: "good block!". You can only hide one sorry kid in right field in little league, but youth soccer can be a whole team of right fielders. Now I'm just waiting for the trend to fade away so I can have space at the parks for a volleyball net again.....
posted by Number at 2:46 PM [edit]

Whoa!.....

What's freakier than an albino guy?.....an Asian albino guy! I just saw such a person walking around while I was out picking up some lunch. Man, I've never seen anything like that before.....it was one weird sight. Now I can say that I have seen the 2 most mythical Asian figures....the albino man....and the big-breasted woman. Both are very very rare, but believe me, they do exist........
posted by Number at 12:44 PM [edit]

Okay, now they've crossed the line.....

I often complain about the gross emails I get spammed with having to do with penile enlargement or porn sites. I've just realized that it could be worse. At least I know that when I get dirty emails it means that somebody out there thinks I'm having sex, or am at least interested in it, and I can live with that. So the other day I get an email that was sent to me specifically because I fit some kind of profile that would indicate interest in the subject matter. What the email was advertising that I should have great interest in was......a sale on bowties! What the FUCK!.......BOWTIES??!! That was really a slap in the face, because as everybody knows, guys who wear bowties are clearly not interested in sex whatsoever. A bowtie is like wearing a chastity belt around your neck.....your privates may as well be under lock and key 'cause ain't nobody getting laid while wearing one of those. And some asshole out there thought I fit the profile of a bowtie wearer. That's so wrong.....my celebacy is purely involuntary. I'm hoping it was just a mistake and it was supposed to go to another email address. Maybe I should consider changing my address from ACGreen@hotmail.com to something else........
posted by Number at 9:59 AM [edit]

A couple of more things about skydiving:

(A) Apparently, smart-aleckness (that may not be a real word, but my blog, my rules) and jumping out of planes don't really mix. I found that out while we were getting a demonstration of the technique we were supposed to use when we came out of the plane. The guy was telling us that when we got to the door of the plane and were ready to jump out, we needed to keep our feet together and cross our arms over our chests. That's when I interjected by saying: "oh, just like in a coffin...", which didn't seem to go over too well. Geez, can't anyone appreciate my efforts to lighten the mood?

(B) There is such a thing as a skydiving stud.....I know, because I saw one. There was this guy strutting around that I couldn't help but notice because he was wearing a white jumpsuit......my co-worker kept calling him "Super Dave Osborne". The thing that really got me was the way he wore it......he kept it halfway unzipped, and didn't wear a shirt underneath so he had all this chest hair sticking out. I think I once saw an episode of "Three's Company" where Larry wore a similar outfit. I started asking the people who worked there "uh, I don't have to wear one of those, do I?". It turns out he actually ran the place, and was revered by all the divers as "The Man".....he had made more jumps than anyone there. So I figured that it probably works like a gunslinger notching a kill....the skydiving equivilent must be to unzip the jumpsuit a bit with every dive. I only hope that they stop once they get to the waist......


posted by Number at 8:31 AM [edit]

A lot of my friends are going to be disappointed.....

I actually did it.....I jumped out of an airplane at 14,000 feet, parachuted down and lived to tell about it. I even got my whole experience videotaped, although in hindsight, that might not have been the best idea. I was trying to play it off really cool, but to be honest, I looked pretty fruity in a lot of parts. Oh yeah, and I got a little quesy when the chute yanked me up after opening, and that got captured for posterity too. When I landed, the camera guy asked me how I was feeling, and I said "uh, not too good....". Even so, it was quite a rush, and I may end up doing it again. And my friends?....they don't get shit. You see, when I told them that I was going to skydive at a dinner last week, they spent the rest of the night holding a draft to divide up all of my stuff in case I didn't make it. Sorry suckers.........
posted by Number at 9:36 PM [edit]

Eventually we leave childish things behind......

There was a time when the most joyful sound I could hear was the ice cream truck. I used to react just like Eddie Murphy described in "Delirious" whenever I heard that tinkle-ey music. And where I grew up the ice cream man, didn't come by too often, so it was a really big deal.....I still can recall the trauma of being fooled by wind chimes blowing on a windy day. We'd go running around for blocks trying to catch up to a truck that wasn't there. But that was then, and now it's more of a distraction than anything. That really hit home the other day when I was playing golf and I kept hearing that music. I kept waiting for the truck to get out of hearing distance, but it never did. Damn, that music can really drive you nuts when you hear it for 5 hours straight.....it's like hearing one of those cars that clowns drive around in at the circus buzzing around all day. Maybe the clown connection is what really gets to me because as far as I'm concerned, clowns are pure evil. But the worst thing about the modern day ice cream man is the product he sells. The last couple of times I've bought something from a truck I've noticed that they sell knock-off frozen treats. I wanted a Missle, and they had something similar called a "Rocket Pop", or some crap like that. All the stuff they had was like that.....it was like being at the flea market.....if I remember right, the guy was selling "Rolexx" watches too. That's just one more thing that's screwing up the youth of America.......

posted by Number at 10:53 PM [edit]

What the hell?! I can't do any banking or get my mail tomorrow because the banks and post offices are closed because of Columbus Day. I didn't think that such a holiday existed anymore, given that it's been pretty well established that Columbus did not discover the Americas....shit, basically the guy's only accomplishment was reading a map wrong. To be fair, he was the first guy in America to get lost because he was too stubborn to pull over and ask for directions, which apparently has served as an inspiration to every man who's lived here ever since. Nonetheless, I don't think that's anything worth celebrating the guy for.....let's face it, what we are really talking about is a day off for The Man to pat himself on the back. Obviously, that doesn't fly with me, so we worked something out at work to deal with that. We are only having half the staff come in.....the white half. That should serve as some small penance for the injustices perpetrated upon the Native Americans. I will use the time off as a chance for some quiet reflection....oh yeah, and also to sleep in late and play video games all day.....I'm sure my fellow minorities will be doing the same......
posted by Number at 10:38 PM [edit]

Holy Schnikes!....

My hot co-worker has decided to show her patriotism by dressing as the Statue of Liberty for Halloween.....it won't be a costume per-se', because she'll only be wearing body paint! All you guys out there keep in mind that she's got a really boomin' body and then repeat after me: "HOLEEEEY SHIT!" I guess that's what happens when you grow up in Modesto and finally make it to civilization.....you just go buck wild. She's got hot friends too.....the makers of those "Girls Gone Wild" might want to show up for this.......
posted by Number at 9:43 AM [edit]

Since everybody's been doing these quizzes about themselves, it might be expected that I'd do the same.....but I'm not. Really, only a few people know me, so it'd pretty much be a waste of time for everybody. And besides, all the answers would probably be along the lines of "it's The Man's fault", "it's a conspiracy by The Man", or "because The Man's keeping me down"......
posted by Number at 10:58 PM [edit]

I got around to watching "Startup.com", and it while it was interesting and topical, it wasn't really great. "The War Room", which was done by the same director, was better, mainly because James Carville was so compelling. I've got this thing for non-fiction.....things that are real are very interesting to me. I really like documentaries when they are well done....of course I loved "Hoop Dreams", and "Brother's Keeper" was good too. A good one to check out that isn't really well known is "Visions of Light". It's about movie cinematography, and is a must for any movie buff. It really helps to show the nuances that can make a film great....you will seriously see movies in a different way after seeing it. Now I feel like a true movie afficionado......I can really understand the director's vision of "Porky's II" now.......
posted by Number at 10:15 PM [edit]

Holy crap! Postal guy is walking around with the seat of his pants split. Hand to god, I shit you not! Something like this has happened before.....a couple of years ago, he caught his pants on a drawer that was sticking out a tore his pants....he actually tried to scotch tape it back together. We joked that since it happened on the job, he should ask for some workman's comp to cover the cost of a new suit. He took us seriously, and HR had to look into it since it was an official claim. These 2 guys had to come in and look at the drawers and measure everything so that HR could come back to him and say "you've gotta be fucking kidding me!" (they said it nicer than that though). Even with his postal tendencies, we couldn't keep ourselves from giving him some grief. That got him pretty worked up and he blurted out: "this isn't funny!....I don't know about you fellows, but I can't afford to go buying new suits....this suit cost me $400!". Then one of the guys chimes in "....yeah, but that was in 1975......". That really got him worked up....he turned all red and his hair started frizzing out. The guy who ragged him about his suit tried to give him some advice about patching up the hole by suggesting he try stapling because it's less messy looking as scotch tape, but by then Postal guy wasn't listening to anybody. He took off his tie and wrapped it around his leg to cover the tear.....apparently, the pants were bleeding and a tourniquet was needed to keep them alive. So this time nobody's saying anything.....he's even more on edge than the last time so we don't want to drive him into going nuts. Plus, ain't nobody volunteering to do any taping or stapling a tear on his ass.....
posted by Number at 10:57 AM [edit]

I'm becoming that which I despise....

I've noticed something about myself lately that I find very disturbing. For some reason, I have started hearing myself breathe deeply with increasing frequency. I'm becoming one of those labored breathers that I find so annoying. Is it an aging thing?.....do I have to start worrying about hair growing out of my ears and shit like that? Maybe I'm just imaging it.....maybe I've just been paying too much attention to my breathing. You know how hard it is to breathe normally when you think about it, right? I'm hoping that maybe I'm just a little stopped up......if I'm lucky, I just have something like bronchitis or pneumonia.........
posted by Number at 9:54 PM [edit]

I met up with some of the fellas to watch Monday Night Football last night.....one of the guys was late because he had to go to some celebration for the Moon Festival. While we were waiting for him, I asked what exactly the Moon Festival was supposed to be about. These guys, Chinese guys mind you, just shrugged their shoulders and said "damned if we know....it's an excuse to eat moon cakes". I just shook my head and told them "you don't know because it's probably some Taiwanese thing that they don't explain to you peasant fools...does 'moon cake' even translate into Cantonese?". They weren't even listening to me....they were just asking each other "did he call?...is he bringing the moon cakes?" Geez, how can you even get excited about that kind of stuff. I've spent my whole life haven't trying to figure out the logic behind Asian desserts. Trying to explain it to non-Asians is even harder. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had like the following:

"what's that?"
"it's dessert..."
"what's in it?"
"beans"
"beans?....and you're sure it's supposed to be a dessert?"
"they're sweet beans....it's good....or you could try one with egg"
"egg?"
"egg, like custard...it's good"
"um...."
"there's the ginger candy..."
"ginger candy?....now you're just messing with me"
"I'm not kidding..."
"uh, I think I'll got get a Snickers..."
"wait up, I think I'll join you...."

Has anybody ever thought to import chocolate or caramel to Asia?......



posted by Number at 2:12 PM [edit]

I've never considered myself a man of science (judging by my grades, neither did my professors), but there are times that intellectual curiosity overcomes our natural tendencies. What happened to me is that through random observation I formulated a hypothesis. I became intrigued enough by the possibility of proving my hypothesis that I was inspired to take it further This meant that I reseached my subject matter in an attempt to compile enough empirical data so that I could advance my hypothesis into a theory. Taking this theory, I then set about examining a large variety of test subjects operating in their natural environment. I made no attempts to control any elements of test locations, nor did I inform any of the test subjects that I was observing them....this was done so that the results wouldn't be skewed by any of my own personal bias' in an attempt to prove my theory. A long and exhausting amount of time was spent accumulating data from a variety of sources....every concievable scenario was examined, with relevance being given to all the unique elements of a particular test site. I do believe that I have proven my theory to be airtight, and can now unequivocally state for the record that I have proven the following as an absolute fact: WHITE FOLKS CAN'T DANCE!

I wonder if I can get published in time to be added to next year's college curriculums........


posted by Number at 10:47 AM [edit]