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I went to this party the other night.....it was nothing much to speak of, pretty much a weenie roast, although we heard that it was kinda hoppin' before we got there. Some people we knew were there, and one guy ended up introducing us to this big group of girls he was hanging out with. I was drawn to one of them....not because I was attracted to her or anything, but more because she reminded me of someone. There was just something about her and the way she looked, even the way she dressed, that was very familiar to me. I kept looking her over to try and figure out who she was reminding me of, but at the same time I tried really hard to make it clear that I was giving her the "I'm checking you out, but I'm not really checking you out" look. Once I saw her dance, I finally figured out that she was a dead ringer for a character in the movie "How to be a Player". There was this woman in the movie that Bill Bellamy danced with just to show what a sensitive guy he was. This girl I saw was dressed just like the woman in the movie, and her clothes and posture were the same too. But the clincher was the was she danced.....she was doing the robot!! (I totally shit you not!). Okay, it wasn't the pure robot, but it was robotic enough the people would throw change at her if she was doing it at Pier 39. Those in the know would say that she'd be a match made in heaven for the King, but sadly, their paths never crossed. To be honest, he's pretty much retired "the Scarecrow" anyway......
posted by Number at 10:20 PM [edit]

I had a very disturbing experience at the gym the other day. I was coming out of the bathroom, turned the corner and BOOM!, right there at 12 o'clock was this dude with his back to me in a thong. I thought that seeing bare asses was bad, but seeing a butt flossed like that was far worse. I felt like the Nazi's in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" who didn't close their eyes when the Ark of the Covenant was opened......my face felt like it was melting. There really should be rules against that sort of thing.....
posted by Number at 12:13 PM [edit]

It was a good mail day.....multiple packages and multiple magazines. I got my SI and Maxim.....I'm still trying to figure out the deal with Maxim and Stuff. As far as I can tell, they are exactly the same...I mean they literally have the exact same content. And even weirder is that they are both monthlys, but they always come a few days apart....they might as well just come out with one issue that's twice as big. I'll bet that at most fraternity houses, all of the brothers don't even get a chance to whack off to Stuff by the time Maxim comes. But hey, what do I know about it?.....I didn't even know what Stuff was until x sent me a copy. It's pretty sad when a guy has to count on a woman to let him know what he should be leering at, but I feel no shame.

Getting the magazines was good, but the packages were even better. I got a couple of DVD's that I've been waiting to get in non-dubbed form and I was finally able to. I got my favorite movies from both Jet Li and Jackie Chan.....I'm talking about "Fist of Legend" and "Drunken Master II"! Now that's some good shit! There was a time when I enjoyed a good, dubbed kung-fu movie, but those times are long gone.....I need the real stuff now. The dubbed stuff is still good for laughs though.....you just don't get classic lines like: "I'm Chen... this is my brother, Chen....." anywhere else.




posted by Number at 9:41 PM [edit]

So a friend of mine is getting married this Saturday, but I won't be attending....this mostly has to do with my being invited last Wednesday!......via e-mail! He gave some jive excuses for why the invite didn't come earlier, but I ain't buying it....I wasn't even the only one the e-mail was sent to. I can't tell you how touching it is to be invited to a wedding via a mass e-mail sent 10 days the ceremony. Hey, it could be worse....rumor has it that the people even farther down the list than me didn't even get a choice of beef of chicken.....I heard that their choices were "bologna or PB & J". I'm not sure what the exact etiquette is in cases like these, but I figure that since I am getting an invitation only because somebody bailed, then that means that I have a lot of latitude as to what sort of gift I can give. I was thinking about recycling something I was given, but now I'm leaning towards stuff with my company's logo on them......I can even make it his and her's, as long as she can wear an XL. One last thing.....do I really have to mention that he's Chinese?.......
posted by Number at 9:12 AM [edit]

I ended up going to see the A's again tonight.....it was dollar night, so it only cost us a buck to get in, and then we moved down to field level. I can easily justify this seemingly weaselly action by pointing out that although I only paid $1 to get in, I ended up spending $25 in food and beer. We also seemed to catch some bad karma because we had a group of obnoxious guys behind us who had also snuck down from the cheap seats. I guess that's what we deserved....although no one deserves to have to hear a guy yell out "SHOW ME THE MONEY!!" all game long. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that really has anything to do with baseball, and more importantly, it's catchphrase shelf life expired at least 4 years ago. I was ready to club him over the head with a John Holmes dog! BTW, I was dared to eat a John Holmes dog by my buddies, but I just couldn't do it. I said that if they actually went up and asked for a "John Holmes dog", then I would eat it. Well, they couldn't go through with it, so I didn't eat it. Getting it for free does not make it more appetizing, and that's my own fault for associating a porn star's pride & joy with stadium food. There's just no way I can eat anything if I feel like I'm giving it a hummer, and that's pretty much a hard and fast rule with me. So I'm sitting there with several pounds worth of hot dog in my hands when I notice this skanky looking chick looking in my direction. I thought about trying to get her attention to offer her my hot dog (I think I got that last line from a Three's Company episode), but only so I could say to her: "remember, you're supposed to bite into this kind...."......but that would just be rude.......
posted by Number at 10:45 PM [edit]

So yes, I did go by Ibiza last Friday, and no, I wasn't the guy passing out on a couch outside. I was really there to look out for J-Smooth and make sure he didn't give in to the lure of the hoochie. It was his first time out to a full blown hoochie-fest since he started going steady, and he was on shaky ground. Having bare midriffs shaking in front of him was like waving a needle in the face of a smack addict. He really likes having a girlfriend.....he wasn't even tempted by the super-freaks in Southeast Asia on a recent trip there.....but California hoochies are a totally different story.....they are his personal kryptonite. Surprisingly, he showed a steely resolve and kept his eyes off the prize (his hands too...). Of course, his girlfriend calling him every hour might have had something to do with that too.....but it was still a major test that was passed. It's all about baby steps.......
posted by Number at 9:45 PM [edit]

The place to be this weekend if you like cute, young, Japanese girls is the Oakland Coliseum. The Seattle Mariners are in town, and all the girlies are coming out to see Ichiro. I knew he was hugely popular in Japan, but I had no idea he was such a matinee idol. Me and a bunch of the boys went to the game, and a couple of the guys were getting whiplash from checking out all the women. Personally, I paid more attention to the hot dog that the King bought......it was the biggest one I've ever seen. I've seen plenty of foot-longs before, but they are usually the skinny, steamer type of dogs. Not only was this one longer than a foot, but it had the width of a polish sausage. I took a look at it and blurted out the thought that popped into my head: "holy shit, what do they call that thing....the John Holmes?!" In retrospect, it might have been more courteous to wait until he had finished eating it before saying that.......
posted by Number at 1:38 AM [edit]

I've been pretty speechless lately because it hasn't been the time to be a smart ass. A lot has happened in the past week that none of us will soon forget, and the effect has been profound. At the same time, this tragedy has brought the citizens of this country together in a way that I've never seen before. I personally have never been prouder to be an American and have never felt as connected to the people around me in my life. Yes, I've been honking at people waving flags on the roadside, and yes, I've looked into getting my own Old Glory to hang with pride....I can't stop humming "The Ballad of the Green Berets" either. What it comes down to is this......we as Americans can fuck with each other, but if anybody else fucks with any one of us, they're fucking with all of us. I was paraphrasing lines from "Porky's", and "Spring Break" right there.....hey, you find inspiration where you can.....
posted by Number at 9:58 AM [edit]

I not real big on awards shows, but I always catch anything that MTV puts on....they do awards shows like they should be done. Tonight is the music awards which means that I can look forward to seeing Britney Spears wearing next to nothing....she is maturing into quite a saucy lass. I know that I may sound a dirty old man, but the way I see it, it just proves that the people packaging her are doing there job even better than they hoped for. I've been swept up the promotional tide meant for pre-pubescent boys....maybe that's proof just how immature I am. Even so, I do realize that it's creepy for a man (I'm using that term rather loosely) my age to be leering at a teenage girl, but believe me, it could be worse. I can remember seeing girls like Alicia Milano in the movie "Commando", Nicole Eggert on "Charles in Charge", and Natalie Portman in "The Professional" and thinking that it would be nice if I was their age so I could drool over them without feeling guilty. At least I'm not the only one who thought that way.....we were talking about it in the office the other day, and most of the guys agreed that they thought those girls were hot even when they were pre-teens. That made me feel slightly less lecherous, but then they took it somewhere that I wasn't prepared to go.....here's what they started saying:

"yeah, and have you seen the Olsen twins lately?"
"oh yeah, they're looking hot!"

WTF!!... the Olsen twins?! Here I was feeling better about myself because there were other guys who felt the same way I did and then they go and make outlandish statements that put their judgement into serious question. Ah crap, now I'm right back to square one feeling hom sup again......
posted by Number at 2:14 PM [edit]

After hearing Afroman's "Because I Got High" for the 1 millionth time, I feel I should apologize to Shaggy for constantly claiming he was the biggest one-note hack in the recording industry. I stand corrected.....he's now #2.
posted by Number at 11:00 AM [edit]

I saw today that the readers of Espn.com voted Deion Sanders the least likable football player of all time, and I couldn't agree more. I'm not one to downgrade him because he didn't play a macho enough game and couldn't hit his way out of a paper bag.....I also give him credit for not being a cheap shot artist (although since he never tackled anyone, he couldn't really deliver a cheap shot anyway). Sure, he wore orange suits with matching bowler hats, sometimes underneath a fur coat, but that's straight comedy, not something worth hating him over. No, I couldn't stand him because he was the biggest fool who ever set foot on a football field. Before Deion, there was a time when atheletes were actually given their nicknames, instead of creating one for themselves. There's supposed to be a story behind a nickname, like a sportswriter coming up with the word "Magic" to describe a young Earvin Johnson's game, or even the moniker "Cadillac" being bestowed on Greg Anderson because he tooled around the his college campus on a bike. Deion changed all that, and even saw fit to give himself TWO nicknames! And then he turned around and said he was misunderstood because people believed he was the guy he kept saying he was.....what a chump. Then there's the fool-ass highstep crap he did when he was heading for the endzone. I could never understand why a scrub on the opposing team wouldn't just jump off the bench and run onto the field to clock Deion while he hotdogged down the sideline. I mean what would a guy like that have to lose?....if he wasn't getting any playing time anyway, that would be a good way to get some attention. I'm sure the coach wouldn't get too mad, even if Deion was credited for the touchdown and the team was penalized. On top of that, his teammates would love him for embarrassing "Prime Time", and would probably even chip in and pay any fine the league might impose. I can also guarantee, I mean with almost absolute certainty, that David Letterman's people would be calling too........
posted by Number at 10:23 PM [edit]