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The definition of inequity.....

I saw a couple of guys playing music together at the BART station the other day, and it seemed like a pairing that's not destined to last. One guy played the stand-up bass, while his partner played.....the tambourine! I know if I learned to play bass and had to lug my instrument around in a case the size of a coffin, I sure wouldn't want to split the money I evenly with a guy who played the tambourine. Just like Simon splitting from Garfunkel and George Michael dumping Andrew Ridgley, you can bet that tambourine boy will be getting the boot. I know that maybe I'm jumping to conclusions to quickly....I'll bet that tambourine boy plays other instrument too, such as the bongo drums and maracas....shit, he's practically the Prince of the BART station. But who can really blame him.....tambourine players always get all the chicks..........
posted by Number at 2:02 PM [edit]

I've mentioned the guy in the office who could go postal at any time, and you would think that the threat of him going nuts would be the worst part about working with him, but it's not. What really puts people on edge is the possibility of having to make conversation with him. I've never met anybody who can ramble on for so long without really saying anything. We've figured it out that his main problem is that he can't differentiate between what's important and what's not. It's what makes him such a crappy worker....he puts as much energy into ordering pens or changing copier toner that he does for a multi-million dollar transaction. The same thought process goes into his storytelling....he can't leave out any details because he gives everything equal weight. If he tells a story about what happened to him the night before, he has to start from the beginning of his day and mention everything that he did..."I woke up at 4:30....had a cup of coffee....I took such and such bus...."...like the Energizer bunny, he just keep going, and going......and going.....and going. If you say thing like "oh, really", or "that's interesting" just to be polite, it just gives him the opportunity to keep on talking. You can't even make eye contact with him because he sees that as a sign that you are interested and will continue rambling. The last thing you want to do is get caught alone with him because he feels obligated to make conversation with you, like he would be rude if he didn't. People in our department will wait for another elevator rather than get caught in one alone with him. It's even worse to be in the bathroom when he comes in.....as you might imagine, he doesn't understand that making conversation in the crapper is not alway appropriate. What makes it worse is that he's always holding in his gas until he gets to the bathroom and then starts cutting loose once he gets in there. Not only that, he then feels the need to say "excuse me" after every fart, then explains how he can't understand why he's so gassy and will ask you for possible theories. Ye gods, man, just let me do my business in peace! I'm mentioning this to help everyone understand the dilemma I faced the other day. Postal guy was doing some kind of inventory in the kitchen. There were these boxes of paperwork that needed to be logged and filed. It is a 1/2 hour job that he spends a week on. This meant that he was always in the kitchen......which meant that a lot of folks were going hungry and thirsty. As my bad luck would have it, I had brought in some tri tip to cook up on our Foreman grill. Keep in mind that I almost never bring lunch, but I did this week for the first time in months. I was very reluctant to do the cooking because I knew I would have to be in there for a while and that would give ample opportunity to start a conversation. I weighed my options.....I could either go hungry, or be forced to talk to Postal guy. I eventually decided not to eat......like the animal that gnaws its foot off to escape a trap, I chose the lesser of 2 evils.........
posted by Number at 10:59 AM [edit]

I've been known to occasionally have a drink.....nothing excessive, mind you, just social drinking. I very rarely get really messed up anymore, but I've found that even moderate amounts of alcohol can have an effect. For instance, there are times when I hang out with friends over a few beers and get a bit buzz going. I don't feel impaired, and I'm definitely not drunk, but sometimes I go out to my car the next day and find that it's not parked exactly straight. I'm not talking about scraping the wall, but more like slightly crooked. I very careful about staying in control, and I don't drive if I feel I might be a menace, but I have come to realize that I'm not at my sharpest when I've had something to drink. A case in point was last Friday....I went out with some co-workers for some drinks after work. Understand that a lot of my co-workers are pretty big drinkers, but I always try to leave before things get out of hand. I mostly stuck to beer last week, with one shot mixed in. I had a little buzz on, but I knew I wasn't in bad shape. I left the bar and started walking to BART thinking about how torn up those guys would be by the end of the night, and feeling proud of myself for keeping it together. Then, while I'm walking down the street, a guy bumps up against me.....I figure it must be someone I know because out of the corner of my eye I can see that he's Asian. I turn to him and try to figure out who he is, but for the life of me, I can't place him. It turns out that I don't know him at all, and that he was just trying to get my attention so he could tell me on the downlow: "hey dude, you fly is open"......aw shit, that was embarrassing. He was walking to the side of me, so I must've had the bottom of my shirt, or maybe even my underwear, hanging out of my fly. But hey, walking around with your fly open does not make you drunk. So I proceed to get on BART, and once I get on the train, I fall asleep. I do that every day, but I know that I have to be careful when I've been drinking because I go into a deeper sleep and could miss my stop. Luckily, when I woke up, I was still one stop away from where I get off, so there was no cause for me to panic......the woman sitting next to me was the one who was panicked, because my head was resting on her shoulder.....my only saving grace was that I wasn't drooling. I was a little discombobulated because I had just woken up, so instead of apologizing I said "hey, thanks". Again, very embarrassing. And therein lies the lesson for the day, kids......if you drink, you may as well go balls out because you'll probably end up acting stupid anyway. At least if you reek of alcohol, people tend to stay away from you altogether.....
posted by Number at 9:48 AM [edit]

One of my co-workers has a bartending job on the side....she works in a club on weekends. She's really hot, and guys hit on her all the time. Fools from other departments are always trying to find excuses to come by our office just so they can talk to her. Lately she's been telling us about all the stuff that's been happening to her at her bartending job. Apparently, she has been getting hit on a lot....by other women! A lot of it is only playful flirting, but there are a couple of girls who have really been coming on strong to her. The last time they came by the bar, they ended up sandwiching her and proceeded to start grinding. They were a couple of really hot Asian chicks, and my co-worker said that they were so attractive that she got a little heated. Now once the guys in the office heard that story, a trip to her club was organized for this weekend. If there's a possibility of hot chicks making out, you can be sure that guys will be lining up to watch. Me?... I'm passing....it probably won't happen, and the very idea of it kinda depresses me. I mean, think about it.....women are getting more action than me now....straight women, no less! Does that mean I have to look at girls as competition for other women?! Now ain't that a kick in the pants?........
posted by Number at 2:48 PM [edit]

I've had insomnia lately, for no good reason that I can figure out. I'm not stressed out or anything, and I don't even drink coffee, so I'm stumped as to why I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm tired all day and have bags under my eyes, but come bedtime, I can't sleep....even on the days I don't do coke or speed! Maybe it's all the damn Whatchamacallit bars I've been eating lately. I hadn't had one in years until a co-worker gave me one and now I can't stop eating them.....damn, they're good! They used to be my favorite when I was a kid......I can even remember when they first came out.....but over the years I've forgotten about them. At least it's good to know that something I remember fondly from my childhood is actually good.....most of the time I end up being disappointed when I re-experience old time favorites. A case in point was the quest that Gab and I went on last year to find Boo Berry cereal. We found out that they still make it, but it's not sold in very many locations. After a lot of legwork, we managed to track down a couple of boxes (....and some Frankenberry too!). I couldn't wait to try a bowl......I was so anxious that I didn't even bother with any Lactaid. I gobble down a few bites and realized what I'd been missing.....a cereal that tasted like crap!.....I could've gotten the same flavor by pouring milk over some Fritos and adding marshmellows. I should have known better than to mess with a fond childhood memory. I still haven't recovered from having my image of Speed Racer messed with.....that was my absolute favorite show when I was really little, but when I finally got to see it again I realized what a dumb show it was. The Mach 5 was cool, but everything else was incredibly stupid, especially chim chim and spritle.....those two were the most annoying characters on television before the Olsen twins came along. But even that traumatic event didn't cause me to lose sleep like I am now......I think I just need a vacation......
posted by Number at 12:13 AM [edit]

I can't believe that I passed up an opportunity to mess with somebody.....

A little while ago, I was coming home from playing basketball. During one of the games, I knocked heads with somebody and got a big gash on my forehead. I was gushing blood, but eventually it pretty much stopped and all I had to do is dap off an occasional trickle between games. So we finish playing and I head home, stopping at the grocery store because I was running low on staples like SPAM and Cheez Whiz. I'm waiting in line and I noticed a woman staring at me. It wasn't the "oh my god, they're moving into the neighborhood!" look that the middle aged white folk normally give me at the grocery store, but something different. Finally, she says to me "uh, do you need something for that?"......I was a little puzzled about what she meant by that, but then I reached up to my forehead and felt that some blood had been running down the side of my face from my cut. At this point, I started to think about what I should do to freak her out. I briefly thought about picking up something she was buying and using it to wipe away the blood, but that's downright rude, not to mention unsanitary......it's really not my style at all. Then I thought about mentioning something about a fight with my wife, an encounter with a jealous boyfriend, or a beat-down by a pimp.....but instead I said "oh no, I'm fine.....". Shit, I was disappointed in myself because I neglected to do what I was put on this earth to do.....no no, I'm not talking about messing with white people, I'm talking about giving people stories to tell. Let me elaborate on that......I don't mess with people to be a smart-ass.....okay, maybe I am being a smart-ass, but I also serve another purpose. I've learned that most people can't tell an anecdote for shit......they think that just because they've seen something out of the ordinary happen, that it makes an interesting story.......but it doesn't. That's where I come in. I provide the ending to the story, the punch line, if you will. Now if some housewife goes home and at dinner says that she saw somebody at the store who was bleeding, her family would say "and?.....", and she would have to say "and nothing....he was just bleeding". That's not a good story....although it could be. Now, if I would have reached up to my forehead, swiped away some blood with then licked it off my fingertips while saying "mmmm....good....", that makes it a compelling story. For a few moments her kids would have stopped ignoring her and might have even thought of her as relatively cool for a short time. But since I said nothing, I denied her a chance to tell an interesting story and maybe make her family life just that much better. That makes me feel bad because I know what my calling is and I failed to fulfill my obligations....I can't let that happen again. With great power comes great responsibility........
posted by Number at 10:06 AM [edit]

It's been really slow here at work, so we've needed to find ways to occupy ourselves. We started hearing commercials on the radio about the Clif Bar challenges, where they sponsor physically demanding endeavors that would be fueled by Clif Bars. At the end of the commercials they ask "what's your Clif Bar challenge?".....so naturally we emailed them detailing our quest to have one of our guys box a kangaroo. Their reply was basically "hey, good luck with that".....no sponsorship....not even a donation of Clif Bars. Apparently, they define a "challenge" as climbing a mountain, or some other run-of-the-mill crap like that. All their talk about being cutting edge is bullshit....otherwise, how could you turn down a man vs. kangaroo boxing match!

I've also been debating with the kangaroo boxing guy here in our office about the best way to pummel somebody. He favors a 2 x 4 to the back of the neck, while I am a big believer in the bag of oranges. It actually should be a pillow case, not a bag, as x constantly points out to me. If you ever want to know the finer points of beating somebody with a pillow case of oranges, ask x......I know of no one with greater expertise on the subject. It is because of x's tutoring that I can win my argument with ease ..... a whack to the neck with a 2 x 4 may be effective, but where's the artistry in that?

The other subject that has been under discussion around here is jury duty, because somebody got the call this week. He had to go through jury selection, but they let him off because he said he favored one side over the other. I went through jury selection once, and I got excused too. I know what you're all thinking, that I blurted out a few "f*** whitey!"'s and they let me go. Quite the contrary.....I know how to play the game and I wanted to get on the jury to support the brother man who was wrongly accused by the white establishment. They introduced the defendant to all the potential jurors as we are read our instructions and when they did, he turned around and smiled and waved at us......what a nice guy!.....he couldn't possibly have been guilty of a double murder. I ended up being questioned and I thought I sounded very impartial....but I was still excused. I got a chance to ask someone why I didn't end up on the jury, and I was told that it probably wasn't because of anything I said, it was probably because of my shirt. I guess that made sense......the front of my shirt said: "Free O.J." and the back had "Don't Squeeze the Juice!"......some people just have a bias against sports fans.....
posted by Number at 10:32 AM [edit]

For some reason I keep getting all of these sex related emails that are trying to steer me to nudie sites. I don't know why it's happening all of a sudden, but lately I've been getting a ton of stuff sent to me. I've been trying to figure out what sites I've been visiting that would cause me to get so much nasty stuff.....it's not like I cruise porn sites or anything (shut up x!). I'm really sick of getting the one about penile enlargement.....I tend to wince everytime I read about surgery on the penis. Now I can't be sure that the penis emails are related to the sex site emails.....the penis people might just be playing the percentages and sending their message out to anybody with an Asian surname. Honestly, they are wasting their time with me.....I would never have a procedure done just to get a bigger wang. I read once that more people die during liposuction than any other type of surgery.....that's a really embarrassing way to go, but it would be 100 times worse to buy the farm while getting your penis worked on. The very thought of someone having to tell my mom that I passed away during penile enlargement surgery would be enough to keep me from doing it, even if it could help me fulfill my dream of becoming a porn star. Another problem would be that I don't think I have sex often enough to make having a humongous member worthwhile. If I shelled out for something like that, you can be damn sure that I would want to show it off. Forget about tight pants....I wouldn't wear pants at all. I'd be doing everything with my penis......shaking hands with it....using it to work the tv remote......playing pool with it as my cue.....the possibilities would be endless. Luckily, I don't have anxiety about my penis size.....I can be perfectly content with my 10 inches..........
posted by Number at 1:47 PM [edit]

Some friends of mine just left on a trip and will be gone for a couple of weeks. One of the guys wrote letters to his girlfriend, one for each day he will be gone, and is having me mail one a day to her. He gave them to me right before he got on the shuttle to the airport, so I'm walking around with this stack of envelopes. A girl I know was asking me what all the envelopes were for, and thought it was really nice when I told her the story behind them. I told her that it was just the way he was and mentioned that he used to bake treats to give to girls that he liked. She thought that was a really sweet thing to do and wondered why the rest of us guys never did anything like that. I replied back to her by saying: "um, we never tried it because it never actually worked....baking doesn't get girls". That led to the following conversation:

her: "what about flattery?....girls like that"
me: "oh, you mean something like 'nice boobs'?"
her: "not exactly....."
me: "what about 'hey, you must be the biggest freak in this whole place!' "
her: "that's not really it either...."
me: "oh, I think I know what you mean now.....something like: 'you're really pretty....almost as hot as your sister....and almost as good looking as your mom too!' "

her: "I'm speechless....."
me: "I tend to have that effect on women....."
posted by Number at 11:06 AM [edit]

Yes, I am back......or as I like to say: "Black by Popular Demand!"....except that I'm not black, and there is no demand. Actually, the 2 people that I know read the site have been bugging me to update, so I am trying to make them happy. At the same time my return will make the Man very uncomfortable, which makes me happy. Although I have been silent, I have been paying attention and am now ready to unleash the wrath of Buddha on those who would disrespect the Asian man!

posted by Number at 2:59 PM [edit]