Abandon hope of political correctness, all ye who enter here.....

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This weekend wasn't as bad as I expected.....

I was worried about the possible anti-Asian backlash that might be caused by the opening of "Pearl Harbor" last Friday, but I haven't seen any evidence that it's taking place. It's nothing like when "Platoon" came out.....that got a whole lot of people riled up. It wasn't really the pissy attitude I got from The Man that bothered me so much as being mistaken for being Vietnamese.....now that's insulting. With that in mind I'd like to take the opportunity to remind The Man that Korea is nothing like Japan. Korea is a friend to America, and as proof I offer up examples of crappy Korean exports that guarantee that there will be no pesky trade deficit like there is with those damn Japs! Where do they get off sending over quality merchandise like Sony and Honda that only serves to make American manufacturers look bad?! With Korea, you only get 100% guaranteed crap like Hyundai and Goldstar, that way there's always something non-American finishing at the bottom of the Consumer Reports ratings. Plus, we Koreans share a WW II beef with the the Japanese.....they took our choicest females to serve as "comfort women" for their soldiers during the war. It was kept very hush-hush in the history books too....I didn't even know about it until I got to college. Imagine how dumb I felt knowing that there was supposed to be pissed at the Japanese all my life and I didn't even know it. By then it was too late for the hatred to be ingrained, so it hasn't stuck. I do blame to incident for creating the fiery Korean temper though.....Korean men had to go without nookie for years, and with it being wartime and all, there must have been rationing of Kleenex and Jergens too, so all that pent up aggression must've caused irreparable damage.....sort of like an STD in reverse. For once it's not The Man's fault............
posted by Number at 1:12 PM [edit]

Who says that I don't have a soft spot for the kids....

I was catching some dinner tonight and we saw a bunch of kids in their formal wear for prom night. They seemed like they were feeling very adult because they were eating at a place that didn't have a drive-thru, and I didn't have the heart to break it to them that the only people who walk around in tuxedos are usually named "Jeeves" or "Cadbury". I even decided to do them a favor and give them some advice to spare them some embarrassment.....I went up to one of the guys and told him "I know you're feeling really grown up, but everybody knows that you are in high school so don't bother trying to order a beer". I think I got through to him and hopefully he passed passed the message along to his friends. A couple of my friends even made some conversation with the girls in the group as they passed by.....luckily, my buddies were only buzzed, not out and out drunk, so I didn't have to hear the phrase: "once you've had a man who can buy alcohol legally, you don't ever go back, baby". And the boys seemed to take my sage words to heart......someday, when they're older and wiser, they will thank me, just like I thank my sister for talking me out of wearing a "Miami Vice" tux to my Senior Ball.....it's my turn to return the favor to the next generation.....
posted by Number at 12:58 AM [edit]

I'm so embarrassed......

Today, Gab sent me her results from the test on Emode.com called "Who's Your Inner Rock Star?". I got a good laugh about her being told she was like Britney Spears.....I wonder if they'll let her start bearing her mid-riff at work? So I take the test, answering the questions as honestly as I can....the results come back and I'm told that the rock star I'm like is Randy Travis......Randy Travis??!!....WTF??!!!......I wasn't expecting Ice Cube or anyone like that, but Randy Travis??!! Needless to say, I don't consider myself country at all, so naturally I figure the test was screwy and that it was necessary for me to re-take it.....I even changed some answers to make sure the fluky result of the first test wouldn't be duplicated. I finished answering the questions and entered them in to find out that the rock star I resemble is......Randy Travis!!!! Holy crap, that's just not right! None of my answers involved any phrases like: "decorative belt buckle", "moonshine", "Wrangler jeans", "trailer park", or "honky tonk", so I don't know how I ended up being compared to a country music artist. Man, talk about a wake up call......I really need to get out more......

posted by Number at 11:42 PM [edit]

Damn, why do I always miss the good stuff.......

After work the other day, a bunch of people from the office got together for some drinks. I made a token appearance and then left after having a couple of beers....I'm trying to keep my alcohol intake to a minimum because I have enough vices as it is. So when we come back into work, a couple of the guys can't wait to tell me what happened after I left. It seems that weasel boy/son of Godzilla was telling a story about a trip he took to Japan. He was talking about being in Tokyo and feeling really big in comparison to everyone there and then joked: " I felt like Godzilla".....everybody started busting up, and him being oblivious to the fact that he is the son of Godzilla, he thought it was because of his story, so he plays it up by stomping and gesturing with his arms. Then one of the guys chimes in: "don't you mean the son of Godzilla?", and everybody really starts rolling. I feel like I missed out on witnessing a no-hitter or something like that....rarely do you see a person unwittingly cap on themselves using your slam, and I wasn't even there to see it!
posted by Number at 9:55 AM [edit]

After feeling inspired by the Nike commercial "Freestyle Rhythm", I decided to lace 'em up and hit the courts. Unfortunately, unlike the guys in the commercial, the dribbling I did off of my knees was purely unintentional, even after shaking off some rustiness. I still can stick the J though, and I can dish, but most importantly, I can clutch, grab, push, hook, slap, and if necessary, hack. How poetic that after years of being the quick guy complaining about the old guys who have to hack because they can't keep up, I have become the hacking old guy. Actually, I'm not that old, and I'm not that slow, but I take advantage of what the rules will allow. Keep in mind that I only play that way in an organized game....I don't play that way on the playgrounds....unless I'm guarding The Man......
posted by Number at 9:39 PM [edit]

I'm way behind schedule......It's already into the second round of the NBA playoffs and I am just getting around to presenting my awards for the regular season. I'm not going to bother with crap like the MVP or Rookie of the Year....everybody does that. I like to do something unique, and so with that in mind I proudly present the 2000-2001 NBA All-Ugly team. Let me begin by clarifying some of the criteria:

Ugliness of game does influence the judging, but it is not the primary factor in making team. It is a tie-breaker of sorts, only to be used in the event of a close vote. Pure physical unattractiveness is still the most important attribute for making the team.....simply being a hack-master like Chris Dudley (sorry x, but I just couldn't bring myself to say 'foul absorber') or shooting bricks like George Lynch isn't enough.

Excessive paleness does not count.....otherwise there would be a 30-way tie between every European player and Keith Van Horn.

The top 5 make the team, regardless of position.....it only seems right.

I'd like to start with a couple of Honorable Mentions:

The Urkel Award: Eddie Robinson, Charlotte Hornets. If Urkel grew to 6' 8", that's what he'd look like.....I'll bet the first time he suited up, he wore suspenders with his shorts.

The Bad Hair Award: Although there are a lot of guys with ugly cornrows, the winner is Austin Croshere of the Indiana Pacers for his slicked down bowl-cut. He must've really loved the movie "Dumb and Dumber". I refused to consider Scott Pollard because he's just an idiot looking for attention.

Now for the All-Ugly team.....

Olden Polynice, Utah Jazz: He looks like he got hit in the face with a bag of oranges.

Dikembe Mutombo, Philadelphia 76ers: Part of his inclusion on the team has to do with his feet being as long as he is tall, but it really is a case where his ugly game really helped his cause. The guy is painful to watch on the offensive end.....he is stop-motion animation come to life. When he has the ball in the post, it's sometimes hard to tell if you're watching a basketball game or "Clash of the Titans".

Greg Ostertag, Utah Jazz: The biggest doofus in the NBA.....he gets extra credit for being able to take out his teeth.

Sam Cassell, Milwaukee Bucks: He combines elements of 2 of the most beloved films in American cinema by having the ears of Dumbo, and the face of a character in the bar scene of "Star Wars". Ervin Johnson makes him leave the locker room before him so he looks good by comparison.

Popeye Jones, Washington Wizards: The team captain and one of the all time greats. It is so fitting that he was united with Michael Jordan with the Wizards.....he is to ugly what Jordan was to ability.

So there you have it.....The 2000-2001 NBA All-Ugly team. Congratulations to all the lucky members of the team!
posted by Number at 9:53 AM [edit]

I was just talking to someone about the addictive qualities of infomercials....I love them, but only for entertainment purposes. I'd never actually buy anything.....and I'll kick some ass if I hear any Flowbee cracks about my haircut. I'm really more of a fan of the older one's....they were extra cheezy. I bring this up because the other day I saw a guy who I could've sworn was wearing Blublocker sunglasses....they probably weren't really Blublockers, but the thought of a guy in a Beemer wearing infomercial sunglasses cracked me up. I got inspired to surf the net to see if Blublockers were still around and found this site: http://www.smdistributor.com/default.htm...it's the "AS SEEN ON TV" product site. They seem to have everything there, except Ronco products, which is a shame. I remember a guy I used to see on BART every morning who used the Ronco stuff you sprayed on your head to cover up bald spots. He basically covered his whole head in it and ended up looking like a giant Q-tip. I would see him every morning walking around with all this powery crap all over his head and just chuckle to myself.....is that really any better than being bald? Then one day he shows up with this full head of wavy hair.....apparently he upgraded from the hair in a can to the Hairclub for Men. I'd never known anyone who tried to cover up baldness before, but seeing this guy change from one day to the next just confirmed what I've always thought when the guys on the commercials said: "people thought I looked different, but couldn't tell exactly what it was...."....that's bullshit....how can you not notice something taking nest on the top of a guy's head? I became hypnotized by his new hair....I couldn't stop staring at it. He kept glancing over because he could sense me looking at him, but I still couldn't turn away. I did that every day.....it wasn't to show that I was on to him....I honestly felt bad that I caused him embarassment.....I was simply mesmerized by it, so I couldn't stop staring. Eventually, I stopped seeing him on the train....I think he probably started getting up early to avoid my prying eyes.....
posted by Number at 2:34 PM [edit]