Abandon hope of political correctness, all ye who enter here.....

email HOME

Archives:

My brush with greatness.....

Back in the day, I worked at a video store.....it was just a mom and pop chain, and if you are running a smaller store, you need to find a niche to focus on because you aren't going to be able to have all the new releases like the big chains.. Some stores specialize in foreign films, some carry classic films....we choose to focus on adult movies and "urban" films. We felt this was the most dedicated audience we could cater to. Because of our reputation, we had people come from miles out of their way to sample our wares, including minor celebrities. Word must have gotten around because we even had visiting dignitaries come by for a visit.....the biggest was P. Diddy himself, Puffy Combs. This was before he had much of an entourage, back before J. Lo and when his white suits were of the sweat variety rather than Versace. He and his friends picked out a selection of kung-fu movies before deciding to check out the adult section....they wanted to rent so many pornos that we had to cut them off...we had our limits as to how many tapes a person could check out at one time, but it was rarely reached. We never thought anyone would want to watch 8 pornos at one time. So they took their movies and left...... and then days went by without them being returned (this was not shocking.....M.C. Hammer was always late too). We left several messages that went unanswered until we finally said that we would be forced to charged them for the purchase price of all the movies they hadn't returned.....the next day we received the tapes in our night deposit box, along with an envelope.....inside was an autographed pic of Puffy with post-it stuck on it....the post-it read: "here's something for your wall-of-fame....this should make us straight, right?". The note was better than the picture....I wish I had saved it.....and of course I hit them with about $100 in late charges, plus a $10 "could you be any more ghetto?" fee.......
posted by Number at 10:06 AM [edit]

I love the daily "guess the movie quote" on x's site, but why just acknowledge the correct guessers? I keep suggesting a daily "Hall of Shame" to spotlight everyone who gets it wrong, but so far, no go. x is one of those "positive reinforcement" types.....guess what type I am?
posted by Number at 10:05 AM [edit]

One of my co-workers was telling me about this place they have in his hometown.....it's a combination liquor, ammo, and porno shop-with a drive-thru, no less! We don't have anything like that around here....I guess this area's not as cosmopolitan as I thought....
posted by Number at 9:35 AM [edit]

A few quick Oscar notes:

I think they should bring in the Sandman from Showtime at the Apollo to yank people off the stage if they go past the 45 second time limit for speeches....

Is Bob Dylan related to Vincent Price?

I love Julia Roberts, but why did she have a bundt cake stuck to her head?

I hope somebody gave J-Lo a jump-start....I'm sure her battery ran out from leaving her headlights on all night.......
posted by Number at 9:12 PM [edit]

I'm thinking that I should try and be more friendly around work.....I take inspiration from a couple of guys here who bust out with an enthusiastic "Hey, buddy!" whenever they greet somebody....they usually end their conversations with a "thanks a bunch, buddy!" too. It's those kinds of little touches that make people feel like you are glad to see them and it puts them in a good mood. In keeping with that spirit, I will not address anybody by their given name today....instead I will use a friendlier substitute. Instead of "hey, Chris", it will be: "how's it going, chief!"...."what's up, Bob?" will be "looking good, boss!. I'm going to use a variety of terms until I find the one that suits my personality best. In addition to "chief" and "boss", I'm going to try "big guy", "pal", "bro", "slick", and "chum".....okay, maybe not "chum". I'm sure it will take some people by surprise because it's quite a switch from my usual greetings of "watch it, dumb ass!", or "get your head out of your ass!", but change can be a good thing. There's the added bonus of a built in cover-up if you forget someone's name too....this idea just keeps getting better. The only problem with it is that I can't really use it on women....they warned us not to do that kind of thing to women in the sexual harassment handbook.....


posted by Number at 8:55 AM [edit]

I will no longer be a slave to Mickey D's......I have uncovered the secrets of the Shamrock shake and can now make them at my leisure at home....and no, it's not just a shake made with mint ice cream. Anybody wanting the recipe can email me (ask x if you want to know the recipe for the secret sauce). Oh yeah, I almost forgot that I don't have any email address linked to my blog.....sorry suckers, but you're just going to have make do with chocolate and strawberry!
posted by Number at 8:18 AM [edit]

I imagine some of you out there must be thinking: "Damn, why do you always have to be hating on the Man?!!"...I understand that it may seem like that, but I'm just calling 'em like I see 'em. Believe me, I get aggravated by every conceivable group of people, even (sometimes especially) Asians. When I get annoyed by Asians, I also feel embarrassed because they are a reflection of our culture and I am associated with them in some way. I just shake my head in shame whenever a rice rocket goes by....although I also shake my head when I hear a riding lawnmower puttering around because the two sound the same and it usually takes me a minute to figure out which one I'm actually hearing. Why would anybody want to do all that crap to their car?....you would at least think all those wings and shit would make the damn thing fly, but they don't. And naturally, the bad taste isn't limited to automobiles, it extends to pretty much everything.....haircuts come readily to mind. Rice boys have such hacked up haircuts that guys with mullets stop and say: "damn, that guy's got some jacked up hair!!". Now I'm not hating, just observing......
posted by Number at 10:50 PM [edit]

I've come to love watching the mating ritual of the drunken white guy.....I get to see it more and more because every time I go out with my female friends, they always seem to get hit on by cheesy white guys. If there's one quality that drunken white guys seem to have in common, it's persistance, because they simply don't take no for an answer. After the initial rejection, they still try to buy the girls drinks and will follow them out onto the dance floor and circle around in a seductive manner. There is nothing that amuses me more than seeing those kind of guys try to really get down. At least I've seen it enough now to know that it only resembles an epileptic seizure and that I don't need to call for medical attention. Every so often a guy is so dorky that I still get thrown off.....the other night I was about to give some guy the Heimlich maneuver until I realized that the convulsions and wheezing were just a part of his style. Actually, it might not be a bad idea to put asian women together with these kinds of guys because if they mated, the woman could pass along the good dancing gene on to their offspring....and the cheesy white guy could pass along...um..er....the beer-guzzling and male pattern baldness genes, I suppose.....
posted by Number at 9:23 PM [edit]

I saw this guy while I was walking down the street today.....he had a jowly neck that was actually wider than his head. I don't know what his first name was, but I'm pretty sure his last name was "the Hutt".
posted by Number at 2:44 PM [edit]

I was in line at Costco the other day when I noticed someone trying to get my attention from behind me...it turns out that it was a little black kid who was bowing and using asian-inflected gibberish. I was ready to smack him...I even pulled my hand back in full pimp-slap position, but I stopped because I started thinking that he was just young and didn't know any better. He probably didn't know that we are not as different as it seems and that there are a lot of things that we have in common. I decided to take a moment to reach out and try to bond with him, so I raised my fist and said: "F*** the Man!"......that was all it took for him to realize that we weren't that different after all. Race relations can be a beautiful thing........
posted by Number at 8:35 AM [edit]

Dammit, I wasn't able to get a Shamrock shake at McDonald's this year and now it's gone....now I have to wait another 12 months to get one....
posted by Number at 9:33 AM [edit]

On a side note, anyone on a flight to Vegas who continually utters the phrases "Vegas, baby!!" or "Sin City, baby!!!" should have to spend the rest of the flight stuffed in an overhead bin......
posted by Number at 10:20 AM [edit]

Now I know what a sandwich feels like.....

On the flight back from Vegas, we couldn't land and were diverted to another airport for re-fueling. While we were grounded, a guy came over to talk to his frat-boy buddy who was seated next to me....my personal space was invaded as they leaned over me to carry on their conversation about alcoholic binges and golf vacations. As if being smothered by white bread on both sides of me wasn't bad enough, I had to endure the innocuous conversation too....I think turkey and ham have it easy in comparison....
posted by Number at 10:13 AM [edit]

If you've never heard of Swank (the men's accessory company), it's because they are no longer around because they made lousy merchandise. My friend had a guy complain about a belt he bought. It was one of those cheesy, reversible belts that was black on one side and brown on the other.....what a concept, 2 crappy belts for the price of one! So because the belt could be worn both ways, it had really thin edges.....the thin edges made them sharp and the act of putting on and taking off the belt had caused the edges to saw through the beltloops of the guy's pants. I don't even remember what was done for the guy....I think my friend offered to sand down the sharp edges of the belt. That reminds me, I still have to send my proposal for the saw/belt to the James Bond people.......

posted by Number at 11:22 AM [edit]

I met up with the fellas last night to do our annual NCAA basketball pool.....since we don't get a chance to hang out much anymore, it was good to get a chance to shoot the shit for a while. It's like our friend D once said: "you guys always tell the same stories over and over.....and you always laugh like it's the first time you've heard them!"...she's right, and in fact that's now become a story..."hey, do you guys remember the time D said....". So while we were reminicing, I got to thinking back to when we first started hanging out. One of my buddies had just finished college and started working to put his English degree to good use . Someone told me he got a job working for Swank....now the only Swank I knew of was a porno magazine, so I started seeing him in a different light. He was very unassuming on the outside, but I figured he must be a freak down deep. Everything took on a different meaning...if he said: "I got a ticket for blowing through a 3-way stop....", I would start thinking: "blowing through a 3-way stop?!....is that some kind of sexual reference?.....should I pretend I know what he's talking about so I don't seem prudish?". Then one day some of the guys said they were going to go meet up with him for lunch at his work, so I tagged along....I was probably hoping that the editorial offices were at the same place they did the photo shoots. We end up at some mall and go into the Macy's located there and we see him setting up a display....I remember thinking "what the hell!". It turns out the Swank that he worked for made accessories for men, and wasn't affiliated with the porno mag of the same name. I don't know if I was disappointed or relieved......probably more disappointed because if he had written for a porno mag I could have given him grief for that forever. That would make for some interesting dinner table conversation.........
posted by Number at 10:38 AM [edit]

I usually ignore my older sister's advice, even though she's usually right....I'm getting back at her for having to spend my whole childhood having to listen to her boss me around. So she's been telling my about the SonicCare toothbrush for the longest time now....my dentist has recommended it too, so I finally broke down and got one....I must reluctantly admit that my sister was right again. It was just like she said....when you finish brushing, it feels like you just went to the dentist. The thing is really cool....it's like a lightsaber you use on your teeth. The only problem is when you take it out of your mouth while it's still running....it moves so fast that it splatters toothpaste all over the place. Maybe it's not a good idea to wave it around while saying "I'm your father, Luke...."


posted by Number at 2:03 PM [edit]

I'm getting more and more "Seinfeld-ian" as I get older, meaning my nitpicky-ness about women keeps getting worse. I totally relate to the way he let little things get to him, even though I understand how irrational it may seem. The woman with "man hands"-I could totally understand how that could freak a guy out....the woman who laughed like "Elmer Fudd sitting on a juicer"-that would drive me up the wall too. I've cut off some relationships for dumb reasons like that....keep in mind that there I had other reservations about the women, and a minor annoyance was just the clincher. One girl's problem was the "Flow-Bee haircut"....her hair looked like the woman's in the infomercial. She just wasn't too stylin' in general and it gave me this uncomfortable vibe, like she was Amish or something. There was another woman I call the "labored breather".....she didn't have any sinus problems or anything, but man, did she breathe loud! It's hard to get intimate with somebody who's breathing like they just ran around the block. It makes it easier to see why I'm still single, doesn't it?
posted by Number at 10:40 AM [edit]

A true story..........

Yesterday one of our managers received an interoffice envelope that was sent to him by all the people he supervises. He opened it up, and inside was a book, "Management for Idiots"...a little backround is probably warranted at this point.....the department's functions are being taken over by our NY office, so basically, within a couple of months the entire department is out of work (except for the manager, who will be recycled to another position he's not fit for). The good thing about knowing you are going to be let go is that you don't care anymore and you can let your true feelings show, which is what this entire department tried to do. So after opening up the envelope and seeing what was inside, this guy was totally clueless. He started asking everybody "what is this....hey, did anybody order a book?"....I understand that it's hard to see clearly when your head is up you ass, but even so, this guy is truly unbelievable. It just exemplifies what kind of crap we have to deal with over here. A lot of departments are being moved, which brings out a lot of extra weaselly-ness in already weaselly upper management. They use what I like to call "official lies"....that's the type of lying politicians do when put on the witness stand. You know when a senator starts an answer with a term like "to the best of my recollection....", that he's lying....and everybody knows he's lying, but since you can't read his mind, you can't prove that he's lying. Our management does that type of shit....I start tuning them out when I hear phrases starting with "I don't foresee that happening...." or "that is not in our plans..." or "we haven't made any final decisions on that yet...." because I know they're just trying to bullshit me. I'm so used to having my intelligence insulted at this point that I don't even flich anymore. I hear their crap a lot, especially when it's time to talk money. They constantly fear (and rightfully so) that I could be leaving at any time, and I'm leveraging for more money to get a better offer somewhere else (another valid point). They don't want to give me more money without getting me to commit to staying, which I will not do. When they make me an offer, they usually say something like "how does that work for you, because we'd like to have you on our team for a long time to come"....I usually reply with something like "I'd like to stay here too......but you never know what tomorrow will bring.....".....they really hate when I do that.......


posted by Number at 9:42 AM [edit]

I'm very disappointed today....One of my co-workers went on vacation and he assured us that while he was away he would box a kangaroo and capture it on video for us to see. We gave him the idea as a joke, but once he thought about it he really wanted to do it. He's pretty crazy...another coworker describes him as "a wrecking ball" because he just destroys everything in his path. He plays semi-pro football in his spare time so you know he's pretty agro....and he's always coming in on Monday with some story about getting kicked out of a bar or getting in a fight over the weekend. So when we read about some guy who had boxed a kangaroo we told him that he could probably do that.....the image of him flailing away with a marsupial seemed pretty funny. He thought about it and then started working out a fighting strategy that could be used to take on a kangaroo. Once he thought he had one that worked he told us he'd do it for $1,000. We told him we were only joking, but he was too worked up to let it go by that point. He kept saying "all I have to do is get in the first shot to stun him, then I could jump him and get him to the ground...then I'd have him". We told him he was nuts, but if he could set up something, we'd chip in to see it. He talked to some guys from his old hometown where he was going to be vacationing, and they said they'd put on the match. I have no idea where they were going to get a kangaroo, but they seemed really serious about it, so we were all excited about the prospect of it coming off. So he comes back into the office today, but he had no signs of being in a struggle....he dropped wearily into his chair and announced: "it didn't happen"....when we asked him why he said: "I was talking to a friend who knew about a guy who boxed a kangaroo.....the kangaroo kicked forward and tore off his balls.....after I heard that I called it off.....but I KNOW I could've taken him...."
posted by Number at 2:32 PM [edit]

An actual conversation overheard:

"Oh damn, I missed the Lakers/Raptors game.....Kobe and Vince!"
"I got it on VCR...."
"Yo, let me borrow that shit.."
"You need to remember to watch your shit when it comes on....I can't keep doing it for you...."
"Just give me the tape, fool!"

There you have it folks.....ghetto TIVO......

posted by Number at 9:17 AM [edit]

I just caught some the Behind the Music about Vanilla Ice....I've seen it before, but I always have to watch it until I see the part where he insists that the basslines for "Ice Ice Baby" and "Under Pressure" are completely different. Then he gives an example of each one and proves conclusively that they are....exactly the same. Then I switched over to watch the West Coast Conference basketball tourney final and during one of the timeouts, I could hear the music that was being played in the backround.....it was "Too Legit 2 Quit".....Hammer Time!!! Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer on the same night...it felt like 1990 all over again.The makers of shimmery, baggy pants must be crossing their fingers that it's a sign that a trend is returning.....
posted by Number at 10:54 PM [edit]

Sometimes the people I work with really crack me up (although not always intentionally....). Lately, a few of my coworkers have been on a fitness kick, and get together to work out after finishing up at the office. One guy who's nicknamed "the Train"(long story) refuses to work out because he said his doctor told him that his genetics would not allow him to alter his body composition, so he figures there's no point in exercising....we know that it's a bunch of crap, but he insists that it's true (he has admitted that he might be paraphrasing what the doctor said though). He's not fat....he's actually a pretty small guy, but he has absolutely no muscle mass whatsoever and he's as soft as a marshmellow. So one day this guy I work with was talking about his body fat and how advantageous his roll would be if a plane he was in went down in the mountains and he had to live off his body fat. He said he'd last longer than anybody else in the office. Then we got on a tangent about what would happen if our whole department was trapped in the mountains and had to pull a Donner Party kind of thing in order to survive....we started theorizing about who would have to go in order for the rest to survive. One guy said "my choice would definitely be the Train....". The rest of us were kind of puzzled because there are a number of other people who are bigger and would seem to more logical candidates. When we brought this up, the guy said "I'm thinking about quality over quantity.....the Train hasn't done a lick of work his entire life....he'd be like veal". That comment just cracked me up......
posted by Number at 7:56 AM [edit]

Porsche makes a car that costs $300,000.....Gab thinks a guy could probably get lucky if he drove a car like that. I don't think "probably" is good enough...for $300k, a guy should be able to press a button on the dash and have a model come out and give him a blowjob....you've gotta get your money's worth......
posted by Number at 9:39 PM [edit]

I just got the coolest pair of shoes....they're the Nike Air Presto Cage's. They're not that good looking, and even though they're supposed to be basketball shoes, there's no way I'd use them while playing because they have zero ankle support. So in other words, I got some new, ugly, non-functional shoes...sounds great, huh? What they do have going for them are that they are the most comfortable shoes I've ever worn....they're like slippers I can wear outside. I feel like I should be wearing pajamas with the shoes.....come to think of it, maybe I should go out tomorrow in my pj's....it'd make me feel like Hef. I don't think I could really go through with it though...I only hope no one dares me to do it...
posted by Number at 11:58 PM [edit]

I forgot to mention that I actually had a friend who had cornrows for a short time (he's pretty goofy, so it actually suited him)....when he got rid of them, he just shaved his head. The problem with going bare was that his head got exposed to the sun in the gaps between his dreads, so when his hair was gone, he was left with a checkerboard tan pattern all over his head.....
posted by Number at 6:04 PM [edit]

Every time I see a guy with cornrows, I can't help but think that as far as men's hairstyles go, it is the modern day equivalent to the perm. Now, it's not my place to tell total strangers that their hair is jacked, but I wish I could warn them of the regret they will one day have because they went along with the crowd. At the very least, I would tell them not to get any milestone pictures taken until they change their hair. No weddings, graduations, yearbook pictures....those are memories that are supposed to last forever, so it's best not to make them a testiment to a less-than-perennial fashion trend. I only regret I don't have more pictures of my friend who had a perm....that would be some great stuff to whip out and pass around at a party. It's his own fault for hanging on the perm trend far too long....he was still getting it done after he was out of college and trying to become a professional. Another friend of mine got to witness a magic moment that I missed.....he was walking down Telegraph in Berkeley when he looked in the window of a salon and saw Perm Boy in a chair with his hair in curlers and his legs crossed while he thumbed through the latest issue of Cosmo....if only a camera was handy....I would pay almost anything for a picture like that...
posted by Number at 5:58 PM [edit]