Abandon hope of political correctness, all ye who enter here.....

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The celebrity pool really seems to be drying up....in the past couple of weeks while watching the E! network I've seen profiles of Carmen Electra, Andrew "Dice" Clay, Scott Baio, the Olsen twins, and Joan and Melissa Rivers.....if you put them all together, you couldn't even get a decent episode of "The Love Boat"....
posted by Number at 1:56 PM [edit]

Someone was telling me the other day that they were going to a "tapas party" this week....I immediately thought "what kind of yuppie crap is that?!". It sounded like a poor substitute for the fondue party, which got me wondering why fondue hasn't come back into vogue yet. It was a great way to eat....one pot of cheese and one pot of chocolate...that's your main AND your dessert at the same time. But the best part was that it was like a grown up version of the game "Operation", only instead of trying to avoid setting off a buzzer, you had to keep from being set ablaze by the butane fire...now that's what I call a party! I think I'm going to try and pick up a fondue set....don't laugh, I'm serious! Everybody should start checking their mailboxes for their invitations to my fondue party. I know that x will say I've gone to far with my old skoolness when I start talking up fondue parties, but wait, I haven't even gotten into "swinger" parties yet........
posted by Number at 8:32 AM [edit]

I don't go out clubbing or bar-hopping much anymore, so when I do, I notice the mating rituals much more than I used to. I'm a watcher by nature anyway....I don't get involved as much as I observe and chronicle. I've come to the realization that you can't save people from themselves, and if you try to help, the assistance is not appreciated. There were a great many lost souls in need, but I couldn't do anything for them....if I could have, this is what I would have told them-

To the guy in the Frank Sinatra hat: Swingers came out in 1996, it's time to let it go.....to put it in words you can easily understand, "you're so not money".

To the chicks who were trying to dance funky in the middle of the bar: JUST STOP....I'm sure all your sorority sisters think you can really get down, but to us non-whitebread types, it is very painful to watch....it is also not possible to get funky to ABBA.

To the guy with in the suit wearing the red baseball cap: Find a better way to try and cover up your baldspot....the baseball cap with a suit look is bad enough, but at least choose a hat with lower wattage....and put a little bend in the brim too, it's so dorky to have the perfectly straight bill on your cap.

To the woman in the leopard print stretch pants: That speaks for itself.....

To the woman in the plastic-looking pants: Stop confusing me...I almost dropped some garbage in you pants because I thought it was a Hefty bag.

To the guys who were standing by the entrance to oogle the women as they came in and make lewd remarks: Realize that women will have nothing to do with you, admit to each other that you're gay, and go home together.

I could go on and on, but it would seem like I was hating, which I'm not.....like I said, I'm an observer....some day future generations may be studying these writings in Sociology textbooks.....
posted by Number at 8:51 AM [edit]

Speaking of brothers with 3 names, did anyone catch the Miami Vice reunion with Philip Michael Thomas guest starring on "Nash Bridges"? I'm surprised the producers were able to get him to do the show....after all, he probably has a busy schedule of dinner theatre to tend to. My sisters and I still talk about the time we saw him on some talk show back in the day when he showed off his new necklace....it had a pendant with the letters "OEGT" on it, to signify the Oscar-Emmy-Grammy-Tony awards he expected to win (yes, he actually said that with a straight face). Now I could be wrong, but I don't believe he's won any of those awards.....unless they have some kind of Caribbean equivalent. He probably traded it in for a new one anyway, with the new pendant having "PCA" on it to signify the prestigious People's Choice Award he won.....


posted by Number at 9:52 AM [edit]

I learn something from x every day.....before reading her review of "Save the Last Dance" I thought Sean Patrick Thomas was the guy who played Doogie Howser. Can you blame me?.....what kind of name is that for a brother?! At least if they ever make a movie out of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, he's a shoo-in for the role of Carlton.....

posted by Number at 8:40 AM [edit]

What can you do about those crazy kids?....

While killing some time before a movie at the Metreon this weekend, Gab and I were hanging out in the arcade watching the kids play that dancing video game, the one where the arrows on the screen show you how to move your feet (nevermind that it doesn't really look like dancing....even the brothers don't look good doing it).
We watched a little kid who pretty much sucked at first, then this teenager comes up, and after a while it becomes obvious that he'd played it a lot because he had all the steps memorized and knew everything before it even flashed on the screen. While I could appreciate all effort and expense he put into learning the game, I couldn't help but think that ultimately it was kind of a waste of time. He wasn't learning any real dance steps, and I got the feeling that if you put him in front of a girl, he'd piss in his pants and go running for the safety of the video screen. So after he went through a couple of levels, he picked another one and then climbed up on the machine and jumped down when the music started.....that's when I thought it crossed the line to being just plain sad. I wanted to set him straight right then and there because he obviously had the misguided notion that you can impress people with video game playing prowess, which just doesn't happen. Even worse, he was trying to impress GIRLS with his skills....that doesn't even happen in the movies (I don't count "Pac-Man Fever" as legitimate cinema, if anybody planned on using that as a rebuttal). When I was growing up, I can guarantee you that there were no slumber party conversations that included the phrase "he's really cute AND he kicks ass at Defender!". An arcade rates only slightly above a Star Trek convention as a place to go if you're looking to get laid, but if I tried to tell him that, he probably wouldn't have listened anyway, so I didn't bother. I guess every generation has to live and learn on their own.......
posted by Number at 11:23 PM [edit]

Just leave the man be.......
I was coming back from a movie with Gab and we had to stop at the corner liquor store near her place so she could pick up some cigarettes for her roommate. They were the fou-fou kind of English cigarettes, so it was taking a while to get it across to the woman working the counter exactly what we were looking for. While we were hogging the register, I noticed a man come in behind us and making a beeline for the magazine rack, where he proceeded to pick up a porno mag, roll it up so you couldn't see what it was, and rush to the counter to pay....except we were still keeping the woman busy, so he had to wait. He had to pretend he was thinking about what else he came in for....he even put his finger on his chin as if to say: "I know I'm forgetting something...". I figured the only other thing he might need was some tissue.... :x I almost started messing with him....I thought about saying: "this month's issue of 'Busty' is pretty weak... why don't you try 'Black Tail' instead?".....but ultimately, I just let him go about his business because I know he had some work to do....
posted by Number at 10:21 AM [edit]

Love is in the air.......there's quite a Valentine's Day atmosphere around work today. A couple of people have had flowers delivered to them and they are giving out heart-shaped cookies in the lobby. Even the caveman-type guys in the office are doing something special for their girlfriends, though we had to save one guy's ass when he had decided not to send any roses because he thought: "my girlfriend doesn't even like flowers". We told him he better be sure about that, so he checked with his girlfriend and she said "of course I like flowers, fool!".... a potential disaster averted. Another guy is going out with a girl he's interested in, but she just wants to be friends. I keep telling him no to be such a chump and to ditch the date and use the money he saves on dinner to use at one of those "special" massage parlors so he'd be guaranteed to get what he was interested in. He's been half joking about getting a "massage" anyway....it's probably only the expense that's holding him back. Instead, it looks like he's going the sucker route.........
posted by Number at 2:09 PM [edit]

Speaking of thongs, I got together with my family over the weekend because my sister was in town for a little visit and we got on the subject of thongs after I mentioned the article I had read. Out of nowhere, my mom chimes in by saying: "oh, I wear thongs...I have three of them". She started to elaborate on the subject, but I didn't really catch the rest of the conversation because by then I had covered my ears to spare myself further trauma. I finally had to interrupt her to say: "I don't care what you wear, but I really don't think I need to hear that my mom wears a thong"....I probably said it really loudly too because I still had my hands over my ears, and there was no way I was taking them off until I knew the coast was clear. Was I overreacting?....I don't think so. The words "mom" and "thong" don't belong in the same sentence together....even Sisqo knows that.....
posted by Number at 10:09 AM [edit]

Stop the madness!!!.....what the hell has gotten into people? I was reading an article in USA Today last week saying that male thong underwear is increasing in popularity.....I don't think I want to live in a country where men would voluntarily wear a thong. Some saleswoman was even quoted as saying that the male thong would be even more popular if there wasn't an embarrassing stigma to going in and buying a pair....l don't buy that theory at all....men wear underwear for a couple of reasons: (1) for comfort, and (2) to cover the ass, not floss it, and thongs do neither. It's all part of some plot by the Europeans......they're always starting cheesy trends that we pick up on just so they can make fun of us for being so dumb and impressionable.


posted by Number at 2:45 PM [edit]

My boss was telling a story about how a woman spilled a drink on him at a club this past weekend and didn't apologize, so later in the night he stuck his foot out and tripped her so she spilled a drink on herself. That got me thinking about all the times I've spilled drinks on women and had nothing happen. Never once has a women taken off her blouse as a result of my spilling a drink on her, which happens all the time in porno movies.....I'm beginning to think those films aren't very realistic.......

posted by Number at 9:29 AM [edit]

I missed the All-Star game, which is disappointing because it ended up being exciting. I just can't get into it anymore.....I still have the last couple of games on tape somewhere that I've never watched. I used to watch it religiously, but I don't really watch the NBA at all anymore.....I guess I really am as old-skool as x says I am. I probably would've at least taped the game if I hadn't been turned off by the awfulness of the dunk contest the day before. Granted, I knew going in that it wouldn't that great given that Vince, Kobe, T-Mac, and Steve Francis all took a pass on competing, but it was worse than I could've imagined. It had an extremely high Cadillac factor....the Cadillac factor being my personal term for the degree that a dunk contest sucks, named in honor of Greg "Cadillac" Anderson, arguably the worst dunker to ever participate in the contest, and unquestionably the ugliest. It was just ludicrous.......
posted by Number at 9:00 AM [edit]

After reading my last post, it occurred to me that at one point I used the word "ridiculous", when I really should have used "ludicrous" instead, because I really love the word "ludicrous". Actually, I should take that back....I only love "ludicrous" when Mike Tyson says it, especially when he combines it with the phrase "my friend". There's nothing better than hearing him interviewed and having him punctuate his point by saying: "the very thought of it is ludicrous, my friend....."
posted by Number at 9:01 AM [edit]

I was talking to a friend of mine last week and she was telling me about the layoffs at her company that would be taking place this week. She said they were taking special precautions with one guy who was getting the ax because it was thought that he might be a candidate to go postal. We have a guy in my office like that.....he totally fits the profile. He's in his 40's, has no real friends, has no money, can't get a woman to talk to him (much less date him), and he's been laid off before and is deathly afraid of it happening again. He's pretty mild-mannered, but has shown flashes of a violent temper....on more than one occasion, he's ended a phone call by yelling "fuck you!", then slamming down the receiver. After I described him to my friend, she asked me "have you notified upper management about this potential problem?".....screw that.....let those weasels watch their own backs. I'm more concerned with saving my own ass because I tend to tempt fate in the matter. I'm always telling him "you're not going to go postal today, are you?", or "make sure you go postal when I'm on vacation?". Other people in the office joke about it too....I think that deep down, we all don't think he'd actually do it, but there's a small part of us that realizes it's possible, and by talking about it, it just reinforces how ridiculous the very idea of it is. After all, these things usually come as a suprise....you usually don't hear "oh yeah, we all saw that coming....." Of course, if my theory is wrong, I'm in deep shit.....it's always the smartasses who get it first....
posted by Number at 8:49 AM [edit]

At lunch today, we were walking by Big Al's on Broadway. Hanging outside was a big sign reading "your Valentine's Day headquarters!". For those of you who don't know what Big Al's is, let me say that it would be your Valentine's headquarters only if your idea of the perfect gift is a foot-long, strap-on double dong.....
posted by Number at 2:01 PM [edit]

When we where out picking up some lunch, my coworker noticed this guy in a Bill Cosby sweater......this inspired me to yell out: "what's up, Dr. Huxtable?!!", but the guy ignored me.......
posted by Number at 1:16 PM [edit]