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I do have one good thing to say about clowns in the movies....one of the greatest reviews I've ever heard of was for the movie "Shakes the Clown". Someone called it "the Citizen Kane of alcoholic clown movies...."
posted by Number at 10:03 PM [edit]

One of my co-workers was asking about the Cirque du Soleil....I said they put on a really good show, but that he should watch out for the clowns. For some reason, they have even freakier clowns than a normal circus....I think it's because they use some kind of European variety of clown. They're like something out of a Truffault or Bergman film, except neither of those guys made any movies about clowns, which is definitely a good thing. I would think that it's hard to be considered an auteur if you've made a clown movie......
posted by Number at 2:17 PM [edit]

So I'm driving home and I end up stopping at a light behing this lowrider. Once I got right behind it, I noticed that basically the entire rear window was filled with a nativity scene. I don't know how the guy could see out the back with all the stuff he had in there. How embarrassing would it be to get in an accident because you couldn't see past the Three Wise Men and the Virgin Mary?! On top of that, I think the seats were upholstered with velvet paintings of Jesus, but I wasn't able to get a good enough look in order to confirm that................

posted by Number at 11:04 AM [edit]

I had a brush with greatness the other day.....I was walking to my car when a couple of guys who were crossing the street came toward me. One of them approached me and asked me if I was interested in some "gold bouillons". I didn't really know what he meant by that because when I think of gold bouillon, I think of Fort Knox and big bricks of gold. I've never heard an 's' added to the end of bouillon either, but I didn't want it to seem like I wasn't "street smart", so I acted like I knew exactly what he was talking about. Then I noticed that the guy he was with was none other than Major League stolen base king, Rickey Henderson (I kid you not....). This added a whole new twist to the proceedings because Rickey is known for having a fondness for gold, and has the wherewithal to afford great quantities of it, so it's conceivable that he could actually have a few spare ingots lying around.....after all, this is a guy who kept a $1,000,000 bonus check framed and hung on his wall for months without cashing it (true story!). In the end, I decided to pass on the offer, but I did get some satisfaction in know that only in Oakland can you buy gold on the street from a future Hall-of-Famer........
posted by Number at 10:40 AM [edit]

I had one of those awkward situations yesterday that I hate having to deal with.....it happened while I was looking for a parking space. After circling around for a while, I found a really good spot, but there was a woman standing in it.....she was "saving" it. Now, I realize that she was there first, but if you don't have a car, you can't very well park, now can you? I had the feeling she would be stubborn too, and wouldn't have moved if I started backing in. While I could admire such persistance, if it came down to a Mexican standoff, 150 lbs of white trash can't compete with a ton and a half of Honda. Despite my obvious advantage, I let her keep the spot....yeah, she was weaselly for saving the space like that, but I would've felt a little weaselly myself if I took it, and I am militantly anti-weasel. Plus, I would've felt really stupid getting into an argument over a parking space, or having my car messed with.....it wasn't worth it, so I let it go. For curiosity's sake, I had to see the car that she was saving the space for, because I just knew it would be totally hoopty.....sure enough, it was a ghetto Cutlass Supreme with 2 hubcaps missing and zebra skin seat covers.....damn, I'm good...........
posted by Number at 8:34 AM [edit]

I love the new NBA Live for PS2.....the best thing about it is that Dr. J absolutely kills Larry Bird in the one on one mode...it's the big 'fro version of the Doctor, and he just dunks and swats Larry Legend's pasty ass right off the court. The game designers must have grown up hating the Celtics as much as I did..
posted by Number at 7:45 PM [edit]

I heard on the radio yesterday that the Ringling Brothers Clown school is closing down, which makes the world a much less creepy place to live.....now, if they can only do something about ventriloquist dummies........
posted by Number at 7:21 PM [edit]

I really took notice today that the building I work in doesn't play any music in the bathroom, which I think is a damn shame. Now don't get me wrong, I hate Muzak and easily listening Kenny G-type crap as much as the next man (probably more), but considering how difficult it is to take a dump away from home under the best of circumstances, the last thing I need is to have strangers hearing my business splashing into toilet water.....and I have no desire to hear anyone else's either. I'm surprised nobody's recognized the problem and it corrected....it would take so little effort to give relief to so many. It's all in the details, people...it's the little things that count......
posted by Number at 2:32 PM [edit]

I've always been a big believer in the theory of evolution, but my belief has become even stronger now that I have seen actual evidence of other stages of man.....this evidence has been presented to me in, of all places, the gym....specifically, the men's locker room. It is there that I've seen many examples of the "Missing Link", the bridge between Neandrethal and modern man. These man-beasts still smell of the wild, and have some traces of animal left in them, as exemplified by the fur on their shoulders and backs. They apparently feel uncomfortable in clothing, because they remove them as soon as they can and proceed to walk around in a natural state for long periods of time. And although they understand modern customs enough to know that once they are out of the locker room, decorum dictates that they remain fully clothed, they remain true to their primitive roots and do without the modern constrictions of underwear. It was a little scary to see them at first, but I think we can learn from them as they learn from us.........
posted by Number at 10:02 PM [edit]

I didn't catch any of the Golden Globes.....I can no longer watch any awards shows for fear that I might have to be subjected to some of Joan and Melissa River's commentary. And if there's anything worse than having to listen to them, it's having to look at them....they're like some unholy mating of Barbie dolls and rodents, half plastic and half rat. I wish they had something better to do to occupy themselves.....it's too bad the new "Love Boat" went off the air, otherwise they could have been semi-regulars on that show, like Charo used to be on the original version.
posted by Number at 12:48 PM [edit]

I can't believe Converse is going bankrupt....the shoes Dr. J, Magic, Larry Bird, and Isaiah wore are going to the basketball shoe graveyard where British Knights, Pony, Pro-Keds, Brooks, New Balance, LA Gear, and Ewings (remember those?!) reside. That's a damn shame.....(although their shoes had gotten pretty crappy)
posted by Number at 12:29 PM [edit]

February 13th can't come too soon for me.....why is that, you ask?....because that's the day "Porky's" & "Porky's II" come out on DVD. What took so long?! After all, what movies are better made to be enjoyed with digital sound and 1.85:1 widescreen anamorphic formatting (altough 2.35:1 would be even better) than the first 2 "Porky's" movies? I'm just wondering if I should hold out for the inevitable Criterion editions...........
posted by Number at 9:45 AM [edit]

I was just looking over the entire list of entertainers at the Super Bowl for the first time this morning....it included the Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, Aerosmith, Ray Charles, Sting, and.......STYX!!! How the hell did they get in there?!.....was REO Speedwagon busy?! I'm pretty sure nobody's paying $1,000 a ticket to see that "Mr. Roboto" crap............
posted by Number at 7:44 AM [edit]

I've been invited to go on a skiing trip to Whistler, and I'm very tempted. From all I've heard, it's a great place to board and should be a lot of fun. The problem is that I might not be able to take the time off, and there are other factors to consider as well. I would only know a couple of people there, and I also get the feeling that it's some sort of unofficial religious retreat. The last thing I need is 4 days of brainwashing....who knows how much Moonie-ization I could incur in that amount of time. If I end up going, I'm counting on those of you who know me to look out for warning signs when I get back. If you catch me using terms like "fiddlesticks", something is very wrong, and you should get me to a safehouse for de-programming ASAP. Hopefully, it won't come to that, but I like to be prepared for anything......
posted by Number at 10:12 PM [edit]

I have a stack of about 30 DVD's I have to get around to watching......I tend to feel like watching the same things over and over instead of trying something new. I did get around to watching "Way of the Gun" the other night though.....that's one I've been looking forward to seeing. It wasn't bad, but to be honest, I wasn't able to watch it very closely. The reason for that is because I had to keep fast-forwarding past all the Juliette Lewis parts.....I find her very unpalatable. I liked everybody else in the cast, but she's just gross, and I can't stand watching her. For those of you who don't have a Juliette Lewis phobia, I guess I can recommend it, although it does drag (even with all the fast forwarding!), and it's not as cool as it tries to be. It's probably all the gun play that won me over.
posted by Number at 12:47 PM [edit]

So my boss was telling a few of us that the weasel-boy who works in our office might be coming in late today because he was feeling sick. When I heard that, this is what I said to my boss: "You better be careful not to catch his bug while he's kissing your ass...."
posted by Number at 8:14 AM [edit]

My sister sent me a news clipping announcing the birth of Jermaine Jackson's new baby boy. You must be thinking: "BFD....he's the normal Jackson. Who wants to hear about him?" That's what I was thinking until I noticed the part she had highlighted, which happened to be the tyke's name......"Jermajesty". It's especially funny if you say it out loud.......
posted by Number at 7:44 AM [edit]

Does Jeff Van Gundy have the worst luck, or what? He already has to live down the image of his arms around Alonzo Mourning's leg, holding on for dear life during the fight between the Knicks and Heat a few year ago. Then he got his car blown away by jet exhaust last year....the only person who's car got totalled, by the way. Now he gets headbutted trying to break up a fight and ends up with 15 stiches for his troubles. It's too bad, because personally, I like the guy. I would recommend that he get about a hundred years of sleep though.....that guy looks like he's half basset hound right now. And it still kills me that his car that got wrecked....the car driven by the head coach of the New York Knicks.....who happens to make $3.5 million a year.....was a 1995 Honda Civic!!!
posted by Number at 2:25 PM [edit]

I was reading that Utah Jazz center Greg Ostertag demanded to be traded this weekend after getting into a spat with his coach. His request reminded me of the old saying "if a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?", only in this case, you would modify it to read "if a crappy player demands a trade, and no one gives a shit, has he really made a request?". It's too bad Ostertag changed his mind the next day and said he wanted to stay, otherwise he could have been traded to the Hornets for Derrick Coleman, who also wanted to change teams. Coleman, if you haven't heard, has been on the injured reserve list most of the year. His "ailment" has been, and I'm quoting the team here, "being a fat ass" ( I was paraphrasing there, but you get the idea). Making millions of dollars a year buys you a lot of cheeseburgers........
posted by Number at 11:23 AM [edit]

It's always nice to get away to Reno because it's dependable....nothing really ever changes there. It's nice to know that there's still a place where it's possible to breathe secondhand smoke 24 hours a day, eat red meat at every meal, and drink a vodka-tonic at 10:00 in the morning without anybody blinking an eye. I can't recall the last time I saw so many women with frizzy perms, and so many men with porn-star mustaches. I love to see all the middle-aged couples in line for brunch in their sweatsuits....if you gave them rhinestone-studded caps, they'd be looking like Salt 'N Pepa back in the day. The snow was great, and I won enough at the tables to cover my expenses, so it was a good weekend.....I don't even mind that I saw too many women with bare midriffs that shouldn't have been bared...

The only really interesting thing I saw in Reno was during our stop at the local Dairy Queen. Now, I would expect to see some Po' White Trash at the Reno Dairy Queen, but I wouldn't assume that everyone in there would fit the bill, so when we got in line behind this family of 4, I was giving them the benefit of the doubt......even after they ordered $2 worth of food to feed the entire family. What occurred next I am recounting without any embellishment whatsoever....if anything, I'm leaving stuff out because I can't remember it all. We were sitting down waiting for our food, when the mother of the family started railing on her 2 boys (I think they were both in the 10-12 year old range). She was yelling out really loudly, saying:

"not today!.....not today!......don't even start with me you punk-ass bitch!!.........I try to do something nice for you and this is the thanks I get, you ungrateful motherfuckers!!"

I've stated before my feelings about the youth of today, but I don't think that calling your kid a "punk-ass bitch" is good parenting in anyone's book........



posted by Number at 9:42 AM [edit]

Homer Simpson quote of the Day:

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"


posted by Number at 11:41 AM [edit]

After hearing me whine about not being able to get any Doug E. Fresh, Gab stepped to the plate and offered to burn a disc for me....then she made the mistake of asking me what else I wanted on it. Once she opened those floodgates, I got rolling....here's what I came up with:

The Show- Doug E. Fresh
Ladi Dadi- Slick Rick
Roxanne Roxanne- UTFO
Roxanne's Revenge- Roxanne Shante'
Dream Team Is In The House- LA Dream Team
Itchin' For A Scratch- Force MD's
Ain't My Type Of Hype- Full Force
Five Minutes Of Funk- Whodini

That was what I came up with pretty much off the top of my head...I'm sure there's plenty I missed. I don't know if she knew what she was getting herself into, but she's got DSL anyway.....it'd take me forever to do it with my connection. Thanks in advance Gab, for feeding my yen for old skool........
posted by Number at 10:38 AM [edit]

Homer Simpson quote of the day:

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

posted by Number at 3:03 PM [edit]

This Hai Karate stuff is getting addictive....did you know they had aftershave and cologne in origanal scent, musk, and oriental lime (my personal favorite)? I checked out Ebay and a full bottle goes for upwards of $35.00!.....a gift set can get you over $60.00! It looks like I'm not the only one out there with a thing for Hai Karate.....
posted by Number at 2:59 PM [edit]

What the hell?!...I can't seem to get any Doug E. Fresh (and the Get Fresh Crew) on CD!!!...I'm going to have to start a write-in campaign to rectify that......
posted by Number at 2:07 PM [edit]

The last time I was toy shopping for something for my nephew I noticed that somebody wised up and made G.I. Joe full-sized again. I always thought this generation of kids was missing out by having the dinky version instead of the original, man-sized G.I. Joe. Then again, they're still missing out.....the new model doesn't have kung-fu grip....such a pity.....
posted by Number at 1:27 PM [edit]

Just a thought, but where the hell were the tempting Asian guys on "Temptation Island"?! Having an Asian guy or two would not only fill out another ethnic group, but also the "guys under 5'8" category. Where's the justice?.....
posted by Number at 12:42 PM [edit]

Have you ever plugged in domain names for funny phrases to see if anything comes up? That's what I've been doing in my downtime lately. I think of a phrase like, for example, "crack whore", and plug in "crackwhore.com" to see what comes up. I've done stuff like "fatbastard.com" and "corporateweasel.com", but the sites I get sent to aren't as amusing as I thought they'd be. So I moved on to thinking of possible names for a personal site and seeing if they are available. Unfortunately, my top choices of "haikarate.com" and "electricboogaloo.com" and being taken up by cyber-squatters (but boogalooshrimp.com is still available). Luckily, "asianloverman.com" is still up for grabs.........
posted by Number at 9:37 AM [edit]

Man, Temptation Island was worse than I thought it would be. I didn't realize they were going to turn it into such a game show.....very sleazy. On the other hand, I don't care about any of the participants, so what does it matter if their relationships go down the tubes?....they don't seem like the committed types anyway. I do know which guy should be the first to give in, and that's the skinhead looking guy. Sure, he's half-ape and looks like a serial killer, but he's got to deal with the shrill girlfriend with the hyena laugh.....just hearing her cackle makes me want to smother her with a pillow. I hate it, but I feel compelled to watch.........
posted by Number at 8:51 AM [edit]

Yes, I realize the concept behind "Temptation Island" is unbelievably sleazy, but I may be compelled to watch anyway. I don't think I'll need to see more than the first week because I don't think anyone will be able to hold out past the first show. I saw a clip of one of the guys saying "oh man, it's gonna be hard..."....and he hadn't even made it to the island and seen the seductive women yet.....that's one relationship that's going up in flames...and I do so love a fire in the wintertime.....
posted by Number at 1:12 PM [edit]

Homer Simpson thought of the day.....

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life.
Number one, 'cover for me.'
Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"

posted by Number at 11:22 AM [edit]

Okay, no more talk about cologne.....I realize I've run it into the ground. You'll have to excuse my long-windedness, but I'm trying to keep my xxxxx xxxxxxxx friend satisfied. (I had to modify my post to avoid possible litigation)
posted by Number at 10:23 AM [edit]

With all this talk of cologne, I must mention something I found out recently that disturbed me a bit. I received the book "The Ladies Man-Sexin' and Lovin' Leon Phelps Style" as a gift, and in reading it, he talks about splashing on his Cool Water cologne. Now it turns out that I have a bottle of Cool Water, which I have worn on occasion, and I was thrown for a loop when he implied it's cheesiness. When did this happen?! Why didn't anyone tell me?! I may as well have been wearing parachute pants. I guess it's not too surprising given that I'm not a big cologne guy anyway....as little as I use, I should expect whatever I have to become passe' before I finish the bottle. I have a friend who's a big cologne guy....he even wears it when he goes golfing or plays softball. He carries an extra bottle in his car.....for cologne emergencies I imagine. He doesn't carry jumper cables, but he does have cologne. I guess it's better for him to have his car go dead than to be caught unscented, but hey, different strokes for different folks. The reason he always needs cologne handy, at least in my opinion, is that he always holds out hope that a porno movie scenario is going to break out. By that I mean that if his car battery dies, he'll give himself a couple of sprays in case the tow truck is being manned by a driver/stripper....or on the golf course, the snack cart girl could be a Playmate who wants to get busy in the Port-o-let. Of course, none of his scenarios ever comes to pass, but he's an eternal optimist.....
posted by Number at 10:18 AM [edit]

On my way home from work yesterday, I decided to take a little detour to the local Walgreens to peruse their fine frangrance isle, just for kicks. Imagine my surprise when I found out they had a fragrance counter, with real perfumes and colognes, almost like it was Macy's. There was a woman who was working the counter, which I thought was kinda strange because I couldn't imagine too many people buying their fragrances there. I don't know about you, but at my local Walgreens, they probably sell more Brylcreem than CK1. I was wondering if they kept the Brut and Old Spice in the glass case, because that would be pretty hilarious if they did, but the cheesy fragrances were nowhere to be found. I figured they must have them somewhere, so I started looking through the store until I found what I was looking for.....the ghetto fragrance aisle! It was like a trip back in time....Old Spice....Brut....Aqua Velva.....English Leather....all the classics. They even had a Walgreen's version of Brut.....that's right, knockoff Brut....that's got to be some kind of sign of the Apocalypse. So while I'm standing there amusing myself, the woman who was working the fragrance counter comes over and starts unloading some boxes right next to me. Since I was there for a while, she asked me if I needed any assistance. I hesitated for a moment, then decided "what the hell, she's not doing anything anyway...", and the following conversation ensued....

r2: do you carry Hai Karate
saleswoman: excuse me...
r2: Hai Karate....it's an aftershave.
sw: I don't think so, but I can check
r2: don't bother, i didn't really think you'd carry it anyway...it's more of a european thing, real big over there....it's the official scent of Belgium, you know....
sw: maybe we should look into carrying it
r2: you should....
r2: hmmmm....now i have to think of something else.....what do you think makes a better gift, Brut or English Leather?
sw: um......i think they're about the same
r2: well, you can't go wrong with Brut, right?.....do you giftwrap?
sw: um, no....
r2: that's okay.....what do i owe you?
sw: it's $3.99
r2: $3.99?! i had no idea it would be so expensive.....thanks anyway.....

if you think I was being a jerk, think again....she got a break from work and a great story to tell her friends and coworkers....


posted by Number at 8:32 AM [edit]

I know my Hai Karate posts will get me chided for being "old skool" again, but I can't help it. It's not like I long for the good old days....I'm still trying to get over the shoulder tendinitis from having to twist the TV dial all the way around for years, and I have no fond memories of having wait an hour for a frozen pot pie to cook in the pre-microwave days. Old skool stuff just happens to be more amusing and more good natured fun than things that are modern. Plus, the memories of youth are a little fuzzy, so you can pretty much make them what you want them to be. And as I get older and take on greater responsibilities, the times when I didn't have to be accountable for anything keep looking better and better. Yes, it's embarrassing to know that I had a "Keep on Truckin'" t-shirt, and that I actually used the phrase "up your nose with a rubber hose", but those kinds of memories also make me chuckle just thinking about them. So keep expecting cheesy, old skool references, because that's what I'm all about....
posted by Number at 2:37 PM [edit]

Stop the presses!....I found a site that shows a Hai Karate commercial in all it's original cheesy splendor.....enjoy!

http://www.tvparty.com/emcomm.html
posted by Number at 1:53 PM [edit]

For anybody who's not familiar with Hai Karate, I'll describe it's signature commercial so you can get a taste of what it was about......I apologize because it's impossible to capture it's full cheesiness without actually showing the commercial, but I think you'll get the gist. The commercial starts with a guy splashing on some Hai Karate, which in turn causes a stampede of women to flock to him.....so many women, in fact, that he has to start fending them off using a series of karate chops. The idea being, of course, that a little Hai Karate will have you fighting off the women. It sold me....if 5 year olds wore aftershave, that's what I would've been wearing......
posted by Number at 1:28 PM [edit]

After mentioning Hai Karate aftershave the other day, I was reminded of a trip I took to LA about 10 years ago. We were driving down I-5 and we stopped at Anderson's, the place famous for their pea soup, to get something to eat. While there, I used the restroom, and on the way out I noticed that they had one of those metal dispensers on the wall. It turns out it was a cologne dispenser, and it had all the cheesy fragrances in it, like Old Spice and Brut (apologies to x). It also had a supply of Hai Karate in it, which stunned me because I figured it had to be a good 10 years since they had stopped making it. That means that stuff must have been fermenting in there for the better part of a decade.....which may have improved the smell given that it was Hai Karate. Then again, they could still be making the stuff for all I know....since I don't buy my cologne at Walgreens, I wouldn't have a clue. If anybody's driving down I-5, do me a favor and stop at Anderson's to see if the cologne machine is still stocked with the legendary Hai Karate......
posted by Number at 1:20 PM [edit]

We have a new guy in the office, and though I can't be sure yet, I believe he has some weaselly tendencies. He seemed okay at first, but I did notice that he got overly familiar too quickly....by that I mean that he felt comfortable joinings our conversations and smack talking right away. We're very informal around here, and it's nice that he thought he fit right in, but we were still feeling him out.....he didn't wait for an invitation. Then I noticed another thing, that he was getting overly chummy with our boss right away....wanting to hang out and buy him drinks after work and the like.....when you couple this with his laughing too hard at anything our boss says, and the "KISS ASS" alert in my head goes off. The worst part about him is his wardrobe.....the guy went out and bought a bunch of stuff with the company logo on it....that's right, I said BOUGHT! What a loser.....granted, it's nicer than the giveaway crap we usually get, but who buys company logo clothing. I think he did it as a way to brown-nose higher ups he doesn't know and can't talk to....he walks by, and they take notice of the fine young man who takes such pride in the company. That's the way it works around here.....ass-kissing is perhaps the most useful job skill....I get the feeling this guy will go far. Okay, I've convinced myself....he's officially a weasel.
posted by Number at 11:13 AM [edit]

I was at the gym yesterday and I saw perhaps the whitest guy I've ever laid eyes on. He had virtually no pigment....I'm surprised he could go out in broad daylight. It got me thinking about white folks in general, and the power that I, as a minority, have over them. The way things are in society today, I could literally preface every sentence I have with a white guy with "listen up, cracker". If I get any objections to the use of such a phrase, my rebuttal would be: "hey, it's a small price to pay for the hundreds of years of oppression my people experienced at your hands, so sit back and take your medicine, white bread!". I could even wear a "F*** Whitey!" t-shirt to work, if I wanted to. Is it right?....Is it fair?....of course not, but that doesn't mean it couldn't happen. Such is the great hypocrisy that is race relations....white people can't win any argument. How is it that a white woman gets chided for clutching her purse tighter when a group of young black men approach her? ....anyone who doesn't have their head up their ass would do the same. The bottom line is that if you look and dress thuggy, you shouldn't be surprised if people think you're a thug....it doesn't matter if you're black, white, asian, hispanic, whatever. Don't go calling me a twinkie either....I have no aspirations to be white....I hate mayonnaise, don't play polo, and wouldn't be caught dead in a Buick.
posted by Number at 9:27 AM [edit]

I've figured out that I hate kids....not in the sense that I don't want to have them, more that the current generation of youths aren't worth a damn. The "punk" factor is unbelievably high with kids nowadays.....they think the world owes them a favor. You know what the problem is? it's that this is the first generation raised under the concept of "time-outs" rather than good old fashioned spankings. Now I don't advocate child abuse, but I do know that the only way to keep me in line when I was a kid was the wooden broom handle my mom used to whack me with when I screwed up. There's nothing like getting your ass slapped so raw that you can't sit down for 2 days to teach you a lesson. You have to negotiate with kids now, which is ridiculous. If you're asking them for their opinion when they're five, is it any wonder that they're such know-it-alls by the time they get to high school. I think all kids should have to go through a "Scared Straight" program when they're in high school....I mean EVERY kid. I'll bet they stop complaining that their computers are only Pentium II's after they've been a convict's bitch for a couple of days. It should all be taped too, and played in a continuous loop all around school as a reminder to everybody that they're not as cool as they think they are. That's just one man's opinion.....
posted by Number at 2:52 PM [edit]

Like I've said, a few of my friends are becoming active in the church, and I can totally respect that, even if it's not my thing. It's led to some interesting discussions, such as what constitutes a good Christian. Is it the act of going to church on a regular basis? Is it following religious tennants to the letter? Is it just trying to be a good person? Can you still be a good Christian while getting illegal cable? The last one is an actual example of something we've talked about, because it's a real situation. It's hard to resist the lure of 160 channels, but isn't that the definition of temptation? That's the problem with organized religion....it creates too much hypocrisy. I would hope that doing the right thing most of your life and putting your fellow man ahead of your own interests every now and then would gain a person entrance to whatever heaven there is, but maybe that's not how it works, in which case, i'm screwed. On the other hand, if I did go to church, it would just be as a hedge in case everything really works like the bible says it does. I would think that any genuine supreme being could see through someone trying to backdoor their way into heaven, and I wouldn't get in anyway, so I don't bother. I have too many unanswered questions about heaven anyway, like how's the golf there? Would everyone who died before me get preferential tee times? Do I have to refrain from swearing? I don't have to live next to any Jehovah's Witnesses, do I? It's all too much for my limited brain capacity to fathom.....

posted by Number at 9:48 AM [edit]

Last week the Bayi Rockets beat the Shanghai Sharks. What is the significance of this event, you ask? Well, the Rockets are led by 7-foot Dallas Mavericks draftee Wang Zhizhi, while the Shark's star is none other than ESPN Magazine coverboy Yao Ming. Back in the day, I couldn't imagine ever seeing an Asian guy on the cover of a major sports magazine...it's pretty cool. He's not in the NBA yet, and he may end up sucking, but he gives hope that Asian Americans can have an honest to goodness basketball star they can look up to. Let's be honest....even though Asians love basketball, nature seems to conspire against us being good at it. Never mind that we're too short, and/or skinny....we can't even look the part (the advent of long, baggy shorts has been hell on the stumpy Asian guy). When I was growing up, I looked up to Bruce Lee, and that was it....there wasn't any other Asian guy who was cool. Even the brothers thought he was the shit. I can personally say that he kept me from getting my ass kicked on a regular basis because people were afraid to mess with me on the off chance I knew kung-fu. When people asked me if I was related to him, I usually said "he's my uncle"....never mind that I'm not Chinese....kids will believe anything. He made martial arts a part of popular American culture, which made all of the following possible: the song "Kung-Fu Fighting", "Hai Karate" aftershave, and Hong Kong Phooey....I don't hold all that against him though.....
posted by Number at 8:51 AM [edit]

"people say you look like MC Hammer on crack, Humpty...." I've been listening to old Digital Underground lately....whatever happened to rap that was fun? I should say fun AND clever, which excludes Sisqo and the like. Just thinking about Biz Markie makes me laugh (I wonder if he was in on the joke though)...."but you say he's just a friend..." that's some funny shit......


posted by Number at 12:23 PM [edit]

It's funny that x should mention the George Foreman Grill because we just got one at work today. There are a couple of guys who just swear by it. We want to grill something up, but there's no place around here to get any kind of meat.....except for Chinatown, and nobody's brave enough to roll the dice like that.....


posted by Number at 11:11 AM [edit]

We've been talking about the movie "The Last American Virgin" at work today. The ending was such a sad, but true depiction of what high school can be like. No John Hughes b.s. happy ending that would never happen in a million years....it was brutal....I never felt so sorry for a movie character. I was duped into seeing it too....I thought it was going to be like "Porky's".

posted by Number at 9:16 AM [edit]

The worst part about the whole non-cursing thing at work is that instead swearing, people are reduced to using the phrases "the F-word, the S-word", etc. I can live without swearing, but I can't stand having to hear grammar school versions of swear words. I really hate crap like "jiminy crickets"....if you're going to let off a little steam, do it right. I have a few friends who are ardent church-goers, and some of them I'm not always comfortable around because I have to watch myself, but others will curse like sailors, especially on the golf course, and I love that. Of course, I'm sure even the ones who swear don't need to hear me screaming "Jesus Fuckin' H Christ!!" when I hit my ball in the water, but I'm getting better about that....most of the time I can catch myself in time to say "Motherfucker!" instead.....


posted by Number at 10:10 AM [edit]

My last post about the guy I saw getting hit by a van didn't upload right and I lost it. It's no big deal because it wasn't that interesting anyway....not interesting enough to re-do it. The guy didn't even get hurt.....I was very disappointed. If I ever decide to write about it, expect a great deal of embellishment.

posted by Number at 1:49 PM [edit]

I found out this weekend that the husband of a friend of mine is a lawyer.....for an insurance company....and he sells Amway (okay, I'm just making up the last one)...that's got to make him some sort of Anti-Christ. He does have an air of danger about him....his Volvo has a spoiler (I'm not shitting you...it really does!).

posted by Number at 2:19 PM [edit]

So naturally, just as I was leaving the office on Friday, the last guy I see to on my way out yells "well, I guess I'll see you next year!" from across the room. Not having anything handy that I could throw at him, I let it slide. I cut him some slack for the sake of the new year and kinda turned it into a resolution....I resolve to try not to pound anybody into unconsciousness with a blunt instrument this year. Don't hold me to that, because I don't really make resolutions...if I did, I would probably be making the same ones every year. Things like "I will try to be more patient and understanding this year....I will get into better shape.....I will stop smoking crack"....you know, the old standbys. My only thing resembling a resolution for this year is that I am going to skydive. I was talking to a guy over Christmas who recently tried skydiving, and I said I'd always wanted to do that. I'm always talking out of my ass like that and saying I'll do something without ever making any plans to make it happen, so this is going to be different. It'll have to be one of those deals where I'm strapped to somebody's back for some freefall and then they pull the ripcord at the appropriate time. I have to find a way to make sure I'm paired up with a woman, because if there's a chance I'm going to plunge thousands of feet to my death, there's no way in hell that I'm going out piggybacked on a guy.....I'm not being homophobic or anything, it's just that the mess that would leave upon impact would be like some Mapplethorpe exhibit, and that's not the image I'd like to leave for posterity....

posted by Number at 1:34 PM [edit]