Abandon hope of political correctness, all ye who enter here.....

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I hope nobody at work says something tired like "I'll see you next year!", or I'll be forced to bludgeon them to death with a coffee mug, which is the type of behavior they tend to frown upon at the office.......
posted by Number at 1:35 PM [edit]

We have this jar at work now.....whenever someone swears, they have to put a quarter in the jar. We started it doing it last Friday, and we already have close to $50 in there now. Despite being a prime contributor, I have no problem with it...there are a couple of people in our office who don't swear (and presumably, don't really like hearing it), and there are some of us who do tend to do it excessively, which is a bit inconsiderate. It's a hard habit to break, and by nature, people in my industry tend to swear a lot, but it can get to be a bit much sometimes. On some days you can come in here and it sounds like there's a Def Comedy Jam going on..........
posted by Number at 11:18 AM [edit]

Only in Oakland..........I'm getting into my car at the BART station and there's this flyer on my windshield. The flyer is for something called "One Stop Shuttle" and it advertises all of it's great uses such as shopping and check cashing (I'm sure it would take you to the nail salon and the bail bondsman too), but it's biggest calling card, and I'm quoting them here, is: "Low cost rides to most California Prison Institutions (State and County)". It's nice to know that there's a way to get people together with their loved ones in penal institutions during the holidays.
posted by Number at 9:26 PM [edit]

Just for clarification, I'm not the cheeseball x portrays me as......she's evil, you know.
posted by Number at 2:55 PM [edit]

I'm walking down the street today after work and I can't help but notice the big ole ass of the woman walking ahead of me. I understand that her ass is her business, but she was wearing these tight pants and every time she took a step it looked like a big wad of gum was being chewed. Yeah, I know I must be disturbed, but I just thought I'd share the reason behind my giving up chewing gum forever......
posted by Number at 9:45 PM [edit]

My dad calls me up because he doesn't know how to hook up the DVD player I got him for Christmas.....I am totally unsurprised by this. I used to think he feigned helplessness with all things technical just to get his kids to pay attention to him, but more and more I'm beginning to think he's actually clueless about those sorts of things. When I was shopping for the DVD player, the sales guy was trying to steer me towards something with more features (i.e. something more expensive), but I told him that he didn't have anything with few enough features for me. If it were possible, I would've gotten something with just a play button, a stop button, and an open/close button.....anything else will only cause my dad great confusion. I'm still trying to get him to understand how call-waiting works, although he does know how to hang up on 2 people at once, which I didn't think was possible. He just turned 65, and he's giddy about all the things he gets cheaper now that he's a senior citizen.....so giddy that he feels the need to tell me each and every discount he finds out about....EVERY SINGLE ONE. I say that he can do that, but in exchange, he can't make any complaints about the health problems he has as a result of getting older. You can't have it both ways. I can take hearing about every item on the Denny's Senior Grand Slam menu if it means the words "prostate examination" never come out of his mouth again......
posted by Number at 2:23 PM [edit]

So the other night I get invited to some girl's birthday party by the King....nevermind that I've never met her and have no idea who she is, but not having anything else to do, I end up going. I get there and there's all this food laid out, which is bad because it makes me feel like a total. I blow past the guest of honor (gimme a break....I didn't know it was her at the time) and track down the King. It turns out he'd DJ'ing the party, so I help him set up his equipment. Doing a little manual labor made me feel like less of a mooch, so in celebration, I take advantage of the free drinks afforded the DJ crew and proceed to get hammered. I haven't been drinking too much lately....my dad's visiting, and I still feel weird coming home reeking of alcohol when he's around. Then again, his vice is Vienna sausages, so you tell me what's worse? So I figured it was a good time to start drinking again in an effort to make the women there seem more attractive.....it didn't work (just kidding!). With a good buzz going, it was time for me to spin....keep in mind that the King only does weddings and the like so he has a cd mixer, not turntables, so I wasn't really spinning. Even so, I was able to confirm what I always thought.....that I know what to play to get the party going. I was totally getting into it....when people came up to make requests, I gave them the DJ move of sticking my index finger up in a "hang on a minute, I'm mixing.." way, then nodding yes in an aggravated fashion. I didn't care about the 4 fools who were waiting to hear some techno....nobody can dance to that shit anyway. As far as I was concerned, they could sit their ass down all night, or get with the program of hip-hop like everyone else. I got booty's shaking, and the crowd freaking each other....I think some guy's glasses got all fogged up from the heat. Maybe I should go professional....except I can only work parties that last less than an hour...I've figured out I've only got about 45 minutes of material. Quality over quantity, I always say.....
posted by Number at 10:45 AM [edit]

It has been the mellowest Christmas that I can remember.....even the Thrustmaster couldn't liven it up. Saturday was the annual Sunset Christmas, but that's been a much more low-key affair since the White Elephant gift exchange was abolished. It got to be a progressively uglier scene every year until the shit finally hit the fan a couple of years ago.....people took to lying about what they got so it wouldn't get stolen, or even refused to give up what their gift at all. Like a $20 gift makes that big a difference in somebody's life. I actually had a problem with the gift I got a few years ago, and I said something about it, but I was fully justified. I had gotten my gift stolen, so I picked another one out of the pile and opened it up. I looked inside and saw these little naked ladies twisted into weird shapes. I scratched my head for a minute, then I said out loud: "what the hell is this?!.....it's a bunch of naked ladies!". I heard a voice from the crowd mutter: "they're chopstick holders....". After taking a moment to put it all together, I exclaimed: "naked lady chopstick holders?!...somebody actually thought naked lady chopstick holders would be a good UNISEX gift?!". I started scanning the crowd to see if I could figure out who had said that they were chopstick holders, because that had to be the guy who brought them......I couldn't figure out who it was, so I asked the culprit to come forward, not only to take it back, but also so everyone could see exactly who it was would bring such a crappy gift. Nobody fessed up, so I ended up giving it to the most perverted guy at the party, and even he didn't think it was a respectable gift. In hindsight, I should have kept them, because they'd make a good conversation piece, or better yet, an awesome gag gift....not quite as good as the copy of Vanilla Ice's acting debut, "Cool as Ice" I gave out once, or Deion Sanders CD, "Primetime" that some lucky soul once received, but still a fine way to tell someone that they've been screwed........
posted by Number at 10:04 PM [edit]

Man, we got the go ahead to drink our beer at work......I feel like such a lush.
posted by Number at 1:49 PM [edit]

Speaking of fighting, I keep wondering why all guys think they can fight, no matter how big they are or how little experience they have at it. It must be something ingrained in males because I've felt like picking fights before, and I know for a fact that I can't kick any ass. Maybe it's because the chances are good that the guy I pick the fight with would also be lame and we could posture for a bit before things get broken up....guy fights get broken up quickly because nobody wants to watch a couple of guys flail away like sissies for any length of time....there's no entertainment value in that. Girl fights, no matter how poorly skilled the combatants are, go on as long as the participants are willing...why?, because girls flailing with each other is VERY entertaining. The only real instance I could see starting a fight is to protect a woman's honor from some asshole guy. I've seen fools grab asses and squeeze breasts of friends of mine, and that's just not acceptable behavior. I don't know if it qualifies as defending a woman's honor if it means I get an ass-kicking myself, but you've gotta do what you've gotta do. I do have a strategy I'll follow if I ever get into a fight.....I'll clench my fist, rear back, and then start kicking the guy in the nuts as hard as I can as many times as it takes for him to hit the floor....that is not a joke, that's the way it's going to go down. It's not fair and it's not honorable, but I don't care. The King said it best the time he pulled out his nunchucks on an unarmed opponent.....the guy said "put the chucks down and we'll settle this man to man".....the King replied "fuck that, I'm from Oakland, I don't fight fair!". I couldn't have said it any better myself..........
posted by Number at 1:26 PM [edit]

It's very festive around work today.....someone brought a big platter of cookies, and someone else left bottles of beer on everybody's desks (wth!). Our company Christmas party was last week, and I missed it.....no big deal because I heard it was pretty much the usual deal. What I did miss out on is my boss getting into a fight. Some guys were harassing some girl who works in our department and my boss stepped in to see if she was okay.....one of the guys was being a real jerk and it escalated to the point where my boss threw him through a door, knocking it off the hinges. Now, my boss isn't a violent person, but he has gotten into his share of fights....he was sharing his war wounds, which included being stabbed through the hand by a switchblade, and getting shot in the leg (okay, he was actually shot in the ass, but I was trying to do him solid by not mentioning that fact). It made me think about the violent life I've led and the scarring I've incurred.....namely the cuts I got on the inside of my mouth from my braces after being bitch slapped during a fight in junior high, and the 2 stitches I had to get in my hand after my college roommate shot me with a pellet gun while he was drunk. Not exactly "Boyz 'N the Hood", is it?.....
posted by Number at 8:31 AM [edit]

Well, I never thought I'd be doing something like this....it's all x's fault. She mentioned that I could provide commentary on her site (if only to be a scapegoat for any half-assed updates she might happen to post), and I started to like the idea of jotting down my random thoughts. Since people might take my introduction to her site as being a sure sign that it was going down the crapper (think cousin Oliver showing up on the Brady Bunch), I had to do it on my own. She suggested I check out Blogger.com, and it was so easy to use that even a technical lame-ass like myself could use it. I'll probably ramble on endlessly for a short time and then quit when it's out of my system, so enjoy it (or ignore it) while it lasts.....
posted by Number at 9:50 PM [edit]